Need to hear the truth

[Stuckinarut2017]

Happy new year all!

Mum to 2 beautiful kids (5&9m) We live abroad with DH. After DD I suffered terribly with PND. MH is not taken seriously here,rather "get on with it" attitude. This affected our marriage alot. We argued and fought constantly. We went for counselling which helped as it gave DH some perspective about how the move and PND had been difficult for me. Things improved slightly but there are always things that upset me in our relationship/family life. Firstly DH is very cold and not romantic.No cuddles,kisses etc. No sex in a year!! Our life is also a mess-no organisation or planning with anything. When I try and suggest things to be more organised he isn't on board. He is incredibly lazy so I'm doing more than my share of household duties.we live in a tiny flat which is constantly a mess and yet he refuses to help sort it out. We are more like flatmates! I know life is tough with small kids but I feel like a hamster on a wheel in a bad relationship.I have had a gut feeling for a while that he isn't bothered about the marriage and he is waiting for me to finish it so he doesn't get the blame. I've considered leaving but it would mean uprooting 2 small kids back to the uk. Not to mention a custody battle. I wouldn't stay here as no friends or family. I guess what I'm asking is what others would do? Any advice?

He sounds totally useless, this is no way to live your life.

You might experience a hard few months or year if you leave but things will rapidly get better.

What are women's and legal rights like in the country you are in?. Is this country very male centric in terms of such?. Can you be specific about the country you are in, if not at least in which continent.

if you are both miserable your children will be too - what are they learning from your relationship and lifestyle?

what will they learn if you stay?

what will they learn if you go?

Are you able to give an idea of how things would work if you were to leave and more back to the UK - it isn't always as simple as it sounds

Little kids are easier to uproot than older kids - even if there’s a language barrier to start.
I would speak to your DH and be open about your feelings and how the move impacted you and how you plan to move home to be with family and friends. I would say you’ve given it your best shot and would be keen to work with him around child arrangements -

My friend has just moved away (however he was violent) if similar to uk law you need to prove the move is best for the children and that can also include your well being.

Bite the bullet and move home is my advice. You are living in a foreign country with a man who doesn’t like you and it’s not even for a nice lifestyle because you are in a tiny messy flat. Is this what you want for your children forever?

That's what I worry about-the example for our kids. We live in Europe and yes it's more male centric. His family are great and very supportive which makes me feel awful that if we did split I would damage other relationships. When I think about it, I always put my happiness and wellbeing last. Parental leave here is different, you can be at home for up to 4 years, so if we did move home, I'd have to find work ASAP and stay with family till we get on our feet with accommodation etc.

I agree you should end the relationship and moving back to the UK sounds best but moving countries with shared children is not straightforward.

You could be treated as having abducted them under the relevant Hague Convention if you do it against his will (see eg www.gov.uk/guidance/international-parental-child-abduction and www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/specialised-sections/child-abduction).

You should try and get legal advice so you can properly understand where you stand legally and how best to proceed.

The main advice for most countries is that you will need to show that the children are better off living in the UK with you rather than where you are. You will also have to show how contact with their father will be maintained.

It is virtually impossible to relocate children internationally unless you have a court order. Therefore you will need to sort this out before you move and a lot of countries won’t agree to it at all or unless you have stable housing, support or income when you move. All much easier if he is on board with the move.

British courts ( if asked) will generally return children who are brought here without legal permission.

It’s tough.
But I don’t think there is a long term future and you’ll separate, it’s just a matter of time.
In a way - now would be easier for the kids as they are still small, and will adjust to their new life faster.
Whenever you decide to do it - you’ll need to plan carefully. I’d line up a place to stay and a job in the U.K. Figure out schooling, etc. And only tell him while you are physically in the U.K. and you are in the possession of the kids passports.
Fighting on a foreign soil, with different laws, etc isn’t great. And you will be at a disadvantage.

Can you not leave him but still live in that country?

Yes,technically I could but I have no friends or family here so no support. I'm also not very keen on life here.

Go home. Quickly. It sounds awful.