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Relationships

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Original poster

When do you know its over

21 replies

Newyearnochange88 · 02/01/2023 08:49

Dh and I have been having issues for months. I said to myself I was going to see how things were until Christmas and then decide as we have 2 young children and I didn't want to spoilt Christmas for them

Decided to really try for the new year and I'm 2 days in and on the verge of tears already.

Dh has worked nights since the day after boxing day so I know nights are hard, but we have barely seen each other. When we have its descended Into arguing.

Examples include

I spent a good few hours yesterday looking after the children and tidying the living room and playroom up (moving presents etc) DH came down and asked what I'd been doing all day as it still looked a mess

Dh came home from work early yesterday as youngest Dc (14 months) woke up. Dc's nappy had leaked so he was soaking wet, I was changing him and getting him dressed when DH came up, asked if I was OK, but over a crying child I didn't hear him so he the started shouting at how I just ignore him when DC is crying

Dh woke up midday ish yesterday so I took him a drink up. Dh was on his phone so because I then went to walk out to go back to the children he had a go at me that I didn't get into bed for a cuddle

Again yesterday, youngest decided to give me a lay in until 8 (unheard of) so I wanted to make the most of the extra couple of hours sleep as DC has been up at 530 the rest of the christmas break. Dh wanted other things and sulked when I said no. Then when DC did wake up i thought dh was asleep so I didn't say goodnight, he called me rude for not saying anything.

All of this sound petty but it's constant little digs about everything I do. I can't do anything that he deems is right, and if it's not done his way its not right. I am drained.

OP posts:

XmasElf10 · 02/01/2023 08:52

When you are starting posts saying “when do I know it’s all over?”

Have you sat him down and clearly explained that you are on your last legs with this relationship and if you don’t start getting along together better you will leave? If not I’d start there, maybe he just needs to be shocked into making some more effort.

Original poster

Newyearnochange88 · 02/01/2023 09:03

The thing is hen's constantly telling me I'm not good enough for him, how he could do better etc. Its always me apologising for everything but what he doesn't realise is I have got to the point where I can't be bothered anymore and actually i'm not sure this is what I want.

It was noticed by family and Christmas that everything I say he argues with, and i just don't want that anymore.

In my work life I'm well respected and confident, but at home I'm just a shell of who I want to be because I'm so worried about upsetting dh but whatever I do ends up in an argument anyway

OP posts:

wyntersuhn · 02/01/2023 09:09

I think you know. Hugs xx

MintJulia · 02/01/2023 09:12

Sweetheart, it was over the first time he told you that you weren't good enough for him and he could do better.

If that is his view, he doesn't care about you, it's all about what he wants. He's trying to underline you, destroy your confidence. Don't let that happen. Get out now while you still have your career and your self worth.

I'm so sorry 🙁

MintJulia · 02/01/2023 09:14

undermine you

Outtasteamandluck · 02/01/2023 09:15

You have another (man) child. Christ sounds exhausting.

Guess the crux is, can you afford to split ?

Original poster

Newyearnochange88 · 02/01/2023 09:44

I earn an ok salary so would be tight but ok
Biggest outgoing at the moment is youngest nursery fees as we both work full time so they're in full time nursery but would find a way somehow.

I just don't want to go to having my children every other weekend but it's not fair in any of us living like this especially not the children

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 02/01/2023 09:48

The thing is he's constantly telling me I'm not good enough for him, how he could do better etc.

That would end it for me. What an idiot.

MintJulia · 02/01/2023 14:13

Newyearnochange88 · 02/01/2023 09:44

I earn an ok salary so would be tight but ok
Biggest outgoing at the moment is youngest nursery fees as we both work full time so they're in full time nursery but would find a way somehow.

I just don't want to go to having my children every other weekend but it's not fair in any of us living like this especially not the children

My ex could never commit to EOW. In the end he settled on 7 hours most Sundays.

Ds stays with him about 25 nights a year. What would your h actually want?

weathervane1 · 02/01/2023 14:16

I think you can decide by taking a few days to yourself, remain zero contact and ask yourself "how do I feel". It'll be scary at first perhaps but my guess is you'll feel independent, able to breath without walking on eggshells and then think to yourself "this is how life could be... and I only get one chance at life"...

You other half on the other hand will struggle I reckon!

butterfliedtwo · 02/01/2023 14:17

Ofcourseshecan · 02/01/2023 09:48

The thing is he's constantly telling me I'm not good enough for him, how he could do better etc.

That would end it for me. What an idiot.

Yeah, absolutely this. Don't accept that as your life, OP.

Guavafish1 · 02/01/2023 14:36

It's over when you just don't care, he sounds like heavy dead weight.

Its time to off load and plan for your exit/freedom.

3487642l · 02/01/2023 15:01

It sounds like his criticism is relentless and you are alwsys under the microscope, and I'm guessing he doesn't examine his own behaviour in the same way? What you describe could be a pattern of coercive control; a pattern of constant undermining and nit-picking. It takes a toll on your mental and emotional well-being, and it can eventually starts to affect your physical health. Look up Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?, you can download a free PDF online. Look up the section on the water torturer, it can be the hardest type to identify as abusive because, as your say, the instances seem petty. And generally it is really unlikely that a man like this will change. So yes, you might want to work out of you can leave sooner rather than later. Sorry you are going through this,
it sounds absolutely exhausting.

category12 · 02/01/2023 15:09

He sounds horrible.

Echobelly · 02/01/2023 15:13

The thing is hen's constantly telling me I'm not good enough for him, how he could do better etc

That's when it's over. He feels contempt for you, and that is the #1 sign of a relationship that's done for.

Oh, he'll deny it if you try to leave - he wants the cuddles and the hot drinks because it suits him, but he doesn't want to give you anything in return, so he just does you down saying you need him more than he needs you when it's almost certainly the other way around.

Watchkeys · 02/01/2023 15:24

I think that if he says he can do better, I'd be saying 'OK, I'm ending the relationship so that you can do that. Lets talk practicalities in the next couple of days.' and then leaving the room. Your problem isn't him. He's expendable. Your problem is your feeling that you're 'supposed to' stay with him. Where does that come from?

TheShellBeach · 02/01/2023 15:28

Sorry, OP. He sounds selfish and bad-tempered.

I hope you find a way to split up with him. It sounds like he never considers your needs at all and just uses every opportunity to have a go at you, often for nothing important. I couldn't live like this.
If you have a daughter would you want her to be in a marriage with a man like this? What would your advice be?

Twen · 02/01/2023 15:38

This sounds draining and you deserve better. And you can find it. Don't let anyone make you feel so low they have no right. The behaviour of your husband is shitty.

I've had a few bad relationships and never regretted leaving. They don't get better and how dare he speak to you like that!

GoT1904 · 02/01/2023 16:21

We see so many LTB's on here and I do think sometimes people are too hasty to say it... But in this case I think it's absolutely necessary. He has eroded all of your self worth and talks to you like shit. Telling you he can do better?! Go on then pal, try...

Partners shouldn't shout at each other like that. I know nobody is perfect and we are all guilty of snapping, I'm sure.. but he is way out of line in both his expectations of you and in the way he addresses you. He sounds so full of himself but very critical of you.

You won't regret leaving him OP. Genuinely, I don't think you will.

Even if he had DC EOW, which he may not, he would then see exactly what goes into looking after them. You could use your free time to see friends and start to build your self esteem back up. Sending love. It sounds so hard. Xx

365names · 02/01/2023 16:33

warn him the following - that if he EVER says he can do better without pulling his finger out and appreciating you that it’s over.

The next time he says ‘I can do better’ you say

That’s fine - I’ll book an appointment for this week and I can get the ball rolling for us. And do so. And mean it.

you are a single parent already

you are a single parent who takes a man-child a cup of tea and he can’t even have the manners of a small child to say thank you

he sulks to get sex and when he doesn’t gets more

he doesn’t come in and run you a bath and say ‘right love, book ans earphones in the bathroom / I’ve got this now and then I’ll sort dinner for tonight before I head for a sleep’

working nights doesn’t mean you come in and do fuck all

Strugglingjo · 02/01/2023 18:18

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation, although we are not married we live together and have done for 7 years. I have 3 boys (from previous relationship) and then went on to have a daughter with him.

I'm stuck and don't know what to do. My 3 boys don't like the way he is and my family also don't like him. I cant talk to him about anything as he twists what I say and makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong. There is so much thats happened and is going on I don't know where to begin. But I do know when he smokes weed he is the loveliest person ever. But without it, I can truly say I don't like him 1 bit. I'm so unhappy and so are my children

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