I have perused my relationship with my DM over the festive period as I have done many times before, I’m really just venting here I guess but would love perspective from other people about this.
I’m almost 40, only child, DM and DF still together, I have a great relationship with my DF. My relationship with DM has always been difficult.
I see women my age with their mothers and it’s almost like the mother/daughter relationship has evolved into a friendship as well, walking arm in arm and laughing, gossiping and chatting about life. I’ve never really had this with my DM and I don’t really understand why.
for context, I know my mother loves me and I was a very much wanted and loved child, she would do anything to help me if I needed it and she is a wonderful grandmother, I can only describe it as feeling like she keeps me at arms length, never anything more than superficial chit chat, if I start to talk about anything serious I can tell immediately she is uncomfortable and almost glazed over. If I ever want to just have a quick vent about something that’s annoyed me she will basically ignore me then say that anger or annoyance is pointless and just change the subject, this was a key feature of my childhood too, anger in any form was not allowed, I was told that nice little girls don’t get angry and even now she invalidates any negative emotion I feel by telling me I’m overreacting or I’m being too sensitive (I’m generally really a positive person, not quick to lose my temper or moan), this all seems so ironic to me as I distinctly remember her having an explosive temper when I was a child and teen, this would lead to her screaming in temper at me, pulling down my pants and smacking my bare bottom and chasing me to smack me with her slipper (she actually fully denies any of this ever happened and says I’m imagining it or dreaming, my dad thinks I’m mistaken too as he never saw her smack me, I am most certainly not mistaken)
most recently I invited my parents for New Year’s Day dinner, my mum just said “I’ll pass, just in case I’m coming down with something” now I know nobody needs a reason to refuse an invite to anything and if they already had plans I wouldn’t have an issue but I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to spend time with you child and grandchild who otherwise would be alone on New Year’s Day. I sometimes wonder if the issue is that she just doesn’t like my company.
i know she had a child before me with a previous partner who died, I’m not supposed to know this but I discovered the information as a child and my dad told me, I sometimes can’t help but wonder if she thinks of me as a poor consolation prize, I know it’s not kind of me to think this but I do wonder.
The above information is just the tip of the iceberg of her not telling me things, I understand that the above is most likely incredibly painful for her and the reason she won’t discuss it but she has expressly told my dad that she never wants me to know, ditto with other family stuff, like the fact her sister is unwell-she doesn’t want me to be told, she seems incredibly uncomfortable talking to me about anything personal, I don’t know why.
I’m not an over sharer by any stretch, but I’d like to think I will be open and honest and have the kind of relationship with my child where we feel emotionally close, it hurts me that she doesn’t want this with me.
i sometimes feel like I’m begging her to have a friendship with me but in all honestly my mil seems to want to be closer to me than my own mother.
Has anyone else had similar? how did you navigate it? Did things ever change?