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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

8 months pregnant and caught bf on tinder

27 replies

RealB · 02/01/2023 00:07

So long post, pretty much as the title suggests, when i was 8 months pregnant my sister was happily swiping through her tinder and low and behold my bf face popped up, she screen shotted his profile and sent it to me. When i confronted him he lied at first saying it was an old account but it had shown he had been active that day! He relented and admitted to having the profile but claimed he never messaged anyone on it etc and it was a mistake wont happen again blabla...since then i also found out he lied about having had a sexual relationship with his good female friend before we met. He had previously claimed nothing ever happened between them but must have forgotten what he'd said the next time it was brought up! Its 2 month on and i still havent forgiven him and really dont know where to go from here...any advice??

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 02/01/2023 00:10

My ex did the same while I was pregnant. My friend showed me the profile. Turns out he was cheating the whole time but didn't admit it for months until something else came up and he got caught out again.

You can do better than this.

Guavafish1 · 02/01/2023 00:19

What a horrible thing to do, when you're most vulnerable.

His actions suggest he does not care nor respect you! Can you speak with you're sister irl and get the support you need?

For me, if my partner did this, it would be the end.

BigHeadBertha · 02/01/2023 00:22

I'd try couples counseling, since you're about to have a baby together. If it wasn't for that, then I'd suggest just moving on. Best wishes.

Original poster
RealB · 02/01/2023 00:31

I always thought if anyone did anything like that id be straight out the door but it feels more complicated than that now that im in the situation. Its a coupoe month on now and my dd is 10 weeks old and shes amazing! It should be a really happy time but i feel like theres just a dark cloud over everything. I dont know if i will ever trust him again and rn its like we are coexisting rather than being in a relationship and that is mainly down to the fact that i am so angry still and sometimes cant even look at him. If my sister hadn't caught him out who knows how far he would have taken it? Thats the kicker. Ive spoken to my sister and originally she said to get rid but now she doesnt think i should. Just in a state where i feel a bit lost tbh

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 02/01/2023 00:42

That's so low.
His actions, and yet here you are with the dilemma of what to do at this crucial time of your life and your babies life. Is he full of angst or just trying to brush it under the carpet? This situation is the opposite of what a good man would do.
The trouble is, where do you go from here... It takes a long time to raise a child and the years are long to be spent with someone who you know is capable of getting in such a low blow when you are at your most vulnerable. If this is how he can treat you, who should be the most important person in his world, that's pretty pathetic.
So you're now stuck trying to decide if you should break up the family or try to patch over the damage for a decade or two.
What a crap position he's put you in.
For me I think my choice, once I'd recovered enough to make one, would depend very much on his response to this. If he's minimising and justifying - that's rubbish. If he's shocked at himself and trying to repair things there might be a slim chance, but in all honesty I think my respect for him would evaporate and it would just be a matter of time before I called it a day.
I'd do it when I was ready though and given you've just become a mum you'll need to find your feet a bit first I expect.
What a toad, sorry that you're dealing with this.

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 00:55

Yeah...he cheated or he intended too.

Out of interest, when you told him you were pregnant, did he suggest getting married?
(Assuming you aren't expressly against marriage). If not...that was probably your first clue he wasn't desperate to stick around.

Workinghardeveryday · 02/01/2023 01:00

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 00:55

Yeah...he cheated or he intended too.

Out of interest, when you told him you were pregnant, did he suggest getting married?
(Assuming you aren't expressly against marriage). If not...that was probably your first clue he wasn't desperate to stick around.

Agree with cheated or intended do definitely.

Dont agree with the rest, sorry! It’s 2023!!

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 01:08

Workinghardeveryday · 02/01/2023 01:00

Agree with cheated or intended do definitely.

Dont agree with the rest, sorry! It’s 2023!!

Show quote history

That doesn't mean you don't still need to discuss it.

I'm not saying it has to result in marriage but if he doesn't even broach the topic (or shuts you down if you do) then he isn't a keeper.

Summer2424 · 02/01/2023 02:07

Hi @RealB Congratulations on your bubba.
Sorry you're going through this situation at what should be such an amazing time.
It's very hard to forgive or even forget. I hope he knows how much he has hurt you.

Original poster
RealB · 02/01/2023 09:55

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose tbh unless i tell him we need to talk about it to help me process its never even brought up. Hes said if we keep just having the same conversation we will never be able to move forward :/ his reasons are because of how i treated him when i was pregnant so he thought the grass may be greener on the other side. So full disclosure i was an arse during my pregnancy. The year before we suffered a silent misscarraige so this time i was an anxiety fueled mess expecting the worst and my hormones were all over the place so i could be quite bitchy sometimes and wanted to be alone alot. I did explain to him at the time that i was sure it was just hormones as i was never usually like that.

We had a great relationship before, always lots of banter and he was my best friend pretty much so part of me thought he would just ride the wave with me and things would go back to normal once we had dd.

Fast forward to now and i feel like my old self again, so it was just hormones! Difference is now hes complete f*** everything up

OP posts:
Original poster
RealB · 02/01/2023 10:03

@Workinghardeveryday i agree hes either cheated or intended to also atm. Hes adamanent he never would have taken it any further...but why join tinder in the first place then? Heads a wreck tbh. Why do men do these things, if your that unhappy just leave

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 02/01/2023 10:04

He’s a lying arse and you deserve better. You do realise he’ll do the same again if you have another child don’t you - it’s only a matter of time before he cheats if he hasn’t already. Dump him. Make sure you claim maintenance for his child.

YoSofi · 02/01/2023 10:06

You’ve caught him lying twice. There will be more lies that you haven’t caught yet.

Please leave him, you will never trust him. He’s proved who he is and what he’s capable of - you can’t believe a word he says.

Workinghardeveryday · 02/01/2023 10:07

@RealB The way I see it is you have 2 choices.

You stay and work on your relationship - can you realistically do that? You would need to trust and not resend him or it’s just not going to work.

Or you throw him back in the sea and find someone trust worthy…

Sorry this happened to you, how utterly selfish of him x

Allelbowsandtoes · 02/01/2023 10:22

RealB · 02/01/2023 09:55

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose tbh unless i tell him we need to talk about it to help me process its never even brought up. Hes said if we keep just having the same conversation we will never be able to move forward :/ his reasons are because of how i treated him when i was pregnant so he thought the grass may be greener on the other side. So full disclosure i was an arse during my pregnancy. The year before we suffered a silent misscarraige so this time i was an anxiety fueled mess expecting the worst and my hormones were all over the place so i could be quite bitchy sometimes and wanted to be alone alot. I did explain to him at the time that i was sure it was just hormones as i was never usually like that.

We had a great relationship before, always lots of banter and he was my best friend pretty much so part of me thought he would just ride the wave with me and things would go back to normal once we had dd.

Fast forward to now and i feel like my old self again, so it was just hormones! Difference is now hes complete f*** everything up

I think this tells you all you need to know. If he's not willing to talk about it then he's clearly not willing to do the work on himself, nor is he acknowledging the awful impact this will have had on you. And if he really doesn't think its a big deal then what's to stop him doing it again?

Personally I think you should end things now. The longer you wait, the more your child will get used to having him around and the more it will affect them when the relationship eventually goes wrong- which it will do.

Be strong, and good luck in whatever you choose to do. You're worth more than this ✨️

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 10:36

BigHeadBertha · 02/01/2023 00:22

I'd try couples counseling, since you're about to have a baby together. If it wasn't for that, then I'd suggest just moving on. Best wishes.

When a man is prepared to cheat on his partner, what makes you believe that employing a third party to tell him not to cheat on his partner is going to have any effect?

Original poster
RealB · 02/01/2023 10:47

Its quite a complicated situation in that i also have a 5 year old dd from a previous (very abusive) relationship, i left when she was 8mo and he cut all contact with her then met my current so when she was 1. Hes all she knows, she calls him dad and they have a great relationship. This was supposed to be when our family was brought together but its obviously not gone the way i had hoped.

For anyone who has been in a similar situatuon what was the outcome? Did they eventually go on to cheat etc or is there anyone its worked out for?

OP posts:
23mum · 02/01/2023 10:57

Sorry to hear this! I understand it's complicated but in my opinion, it's a sackable offence. If he's prepared to cheat/ intend to cheat/ whatever you wanna call it when you're 8 months pregnant with his child, then I should imagine he will always be prepared to cheat on you. What an arse. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it all works out

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 11:13

RealB · 02/01/2023 10:47

Its quite a complicated situation in that i also have a 5 year old dd from a previous (very abusive) relationship, i left when she was 8mo and he cut all contact with her then met my current so when she was 1. Hes all she knows, she calls him dad and they have a great relationship. This was supposed to be when our family was brought together but its obviously not gone the way i had hoped.

For anyone who has been in a similar situatuon what was the outcome? Did they eventually go on to cheat etc or is there anyone its worked out for?

I had a very similar situation when DS was 6 weeks old. He was so sorry at the time and I didn’t want to be a single mum. Eventually he left me for another woman several years later and they are very happy together, and I’m a single parent anyway. Nobody can predict how it will go and I really believed in forgiveness. But it turns out given the right opportunities, once a cheat always a cheat. He might not have found anything special on tinder yet but he’s shown that once she crops up he’s up for a chat.

Bedazzled22 · 02/01/2023 13:45

Its a horrible situation and one I have experience of. DP was discovered by chance on tinder - was sorry, never met anyone, he was lonely etc etc. This wasnt first time either - fast forward few months family sharing revealed him on another ….

Is he distraught, really sorry that he didnt support you through pregnancy and realises he wasnt there for you and he let you down?. Is he reaasuring you and demonstrating you can trust him? If so you might have a chance.

if he just wants to move on and gets defensive talking about it then it will happen again. Sorry to say and awful when you have children…

EarthSight · 02/01/2023 17:41

any advice

Not really, but I do have some thoughts you might want to consider.

If he's on these apps, it's likely that either he's either happy with you and is trying to have his cake and eat it by continuing to shag other women, or, he's really unhappy.

If he was there to just browse, he wouldn't have any photos uploaded. He's uploaded a photo of himself so that women can get a good look at him, decide to swipe on him and start chatting which I'm sure which would lead to sexting at the very minimum, with a good possibility of sex.

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think most men who were genuinely content, mature, sexually satisfied and ready for fatherhood would do this. It's usually the action of an immature pleb who is having a panic about fatherhood and his youth slipping away from him. Is he planning plenty of lads weekends away as well for when the baby's born, or lot of late nights working so he can avoid as much baby care as he can?

I note that he's your boyfriend, not your husband. Do you want to get married? Have you talked about marriage? Was the baby planned? How long have you been together?

I'd be surprised if he turns out to be a motivated, hands-on Dad. Decent men don't cheat or go looking around especially when their partners are pregnant.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/01/2023 16:30

RealB · 02/01/2023 09:55

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose tbh unless i tell him we need to talk about it to help me process its never even brought up. Hes said if we keep just having the same conversation we will never be able to move forward :/ his reasons are because of how i treated him when i was pregnant so he thought the grass may be greener on the other side. So full disclosure i was an arse during my pregnancy. The year before we suffered a silent misscarraige so this time i was an anxiety fueled mess expecting the worst and my hormones were all over the place so i could be quite bitchy sometimes and wanted to be alone alot. I did explain to him at the time that i was sure it was just hormones as i was never usually like that.

We had a great relationship before, always lots of banter and he was my best friend pretty much so part of me thought he would just ride the wave with me and things would go back to normal once we had dd.

Fast forward to now and i feel like my old self again, so it was just hormones! Difference is now hes complete f*** everything up

It's a shame it didn't take long for him to lose patience and start looking at greener grass. It doesn't say much about his emotional stamina.
Believing problems should be swept under the carpet and forgotten in order to move on doesn't say much for his emotional maturity.
The question is whether you can tolerate a relationship where your partner is a fair weather friend and you have to bury stuff rather than get to the bottom of it and really clear the air when it's an uncomfortable topic.
For most people that would be soul destroying eventually/come at the expense of your self esteem.
It is tough, with your older DD in the picture the decision isn't simple for you.
That said, although they get on great he isn't going to be giving her a great education on what a man can do when it comes to the big things in life and the emotions involved.
If you were not long out of a very abusive relationship when you got together it wouldn't be a massive shock if this man also has some unhealthy attitudes in the mix. He is who is he is, the package, fun times but untrustworthy when the going gets tough, and disinterested in facing up to the reality of what he's done to you, your bond with him and how that affects the family dynamic. The question is, do you want this for you and your children? Some women tolerate this for all kinds of complicated life reasons, but it's not something anyone would aspire to obviously.
Really sorry he has let you down like this.

Daisytigermay · 04/01/2023 18:13

In my experience I found messages on my ex husband’s phone because it popped up on the screen , he hadn’t worked out how to hide it . I had given birth 5 days before finding this and mentally blocked it out as I was exhausted with 3 children under 4. Unfortunately i caught him again and again over a 6 year period and calmly one day I packed his belongings best thing I ever did I wasted too many years. The life I am living now is finally the one I deserve wishing you all the best 💐

qpmz · 04/01/2023 18:40

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 00:55

Yeah...he cheated or he intended too.

Out of interest, when you told him you were pregnant, did he suggest getting married?
(Assuming you aren't expressly against marriage). If not...that was probably your first clue he wasn't desperate to stick around.

Marriage doesn't equal a keeper or whether they love you more. Plenty of happy couples don't get married.

Marmitepot · 04/01/2023 18:57

Ahhh so it was your fault because you were hormonal/stressed when pregnant and weren’t very nice to him 😲.

If my partner isn’t nice to me it doesn’t make me want to sign up to Tinder ffs.

He is morally and emotionally immature and this will not end well,it’s just a matter of when. IF you can bear are sleeping with him please triple up on contraception. Bringing another child into this will only make it harder to leave.

I feel so sad for you,it must be so hard and this must have slightly put a downer on these lovely early weeks of your new baby. (Something you will remember and will be pissed off with him for down the line).