Lonely but in relationship

[JustLonely]

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 5 and half years. It started as an affair, he left his wife and now he is divorced, has a lovely home of his own and has lots of access to his two sons (15,11). He stays in my house most nights (I have two children 17,12). He doesn’t stay in mine when he has his boys for the weekend. His boys do not know I am his girlfriend, his ex wife doesn’t know I exist. His boys think I am his friend from work, our children have met twice. He goes on holiday with his kids and me with mine, he has Xmas dinner with his family and me with mine. He goes on days out with his kids and I go somewhere else with mine.
I feel lonely and sad. I feel like I am a single person almost. I would love him to move in with me but know that will never happen as he has told me so. I can’t talk to him as he will tell me that if I don’t like it then to go, like it or lump it type of thing

looking for peoples opinions please

thank you

He has told you to like it or lump it.
That's your choice then?

Sounds like the relationship is no longer working for you.

If he is not willing to compromise, then maybe this is the end.

His response to your needs are very unkind. Seems like he has a pretty nice life and is throwing you crumbs.

I guess it is yeah. I love him so much though but I’m so lonely

Ok, I shall go and have a stern word with him and tell him to pay you more attention.

He told you this is all you're getting, not sure what more to ponder?

It started as an affair. What did you expect getting with a selfish man?

It sounds more like limerence than love. Love works on both sides. What you’re describing sounds very one-sided.

New year, new you. Maybe get a new job and have a completely fresh start.

What's OPs job got to do with it? She needs to dump this prick and move on. And keep her mitts off married men in future.

What's OPs job got to do with it?

I assume, maybe wrongly, that because it started as an affair that he’s a work colleague.

And he told his kids that she’s a friend from work.

@JustLonely

he isn’t caring as he does not know it upsets up
your relationship needs work as you clearly can’t communicate

so you have alot of thinking to do

I can’t talk to him as he will tell me that if I don’t like it then to go, like it or lump it type of thing

Your feelings are being roundly dismissed by him, so you are, in fact, alone with them. The question isn't 'Why won't he give you what you want?', but 'Why won't you give you what you want?'

He doesn't offer you the relationship you'd like, so you need to accept that, and that that's not going to change. Be happy with what you have, or find something else. Your happiness is your responsibility.

Did your feelings get dismissed when you were a kid? You've learned somewhere that that isn't something you walk away from.

Sounds like he wasn't happy with family life with his wife and has now set himself up as a single divorced man who can dip in and out of family life with his children. Plus the benefit of a girlfriend in tap. That suits him. The take it or leave it attitude speaks volumes about his level of care for your feelings.

It doesn't suit you because you want a blended family. You are in charge of your life. Perhaps time to move on and find someone emotionally available to the type of relationship you want and will meet your needs.

I was married to an emotionally unavailable man like that. Makes no difference living with them or not. They want independence and no demands on them. Not a good candidate for a 'normal' relationship.

@Watchkeys , spot on as ever. I ended up with a man like that because I was trained to have my feelings dismissed as a child. Therapy has done wonders for me. Now with a securely attached partner who cares about my needs.

My parents’ marriage ended because my father was repeatedly unfaithful. In the end, my mum gave him an ultimatum - if he didn’t stop having affairs, the marriage would be over. My dad wanted to stay married but not strongly enough - he declined to give up his then mistress and my mum and dad’s marriage ended. However, my dad was adamant that now he was free of the obligations of marriage, he wasn’t going to bind himself to someone else and he hasn’t. Sounds like that’s where this bloke is at.

My mum went on to meet the love of her life in her mid-50s and had a very happy second marriage.

This.

Give the man his credit. He's told you and shown you exactly what the deal is. He is not stringing you along with the hope for more.

And what he is offering is not what you want. So your choices are to stay and be unhappy and feel used. Or leave and find someone who is actually worthy of your love.

Honestly, you sound like you are pretty much still his mistress. That's the role you have in his life. It suits him but not you.

“Honestly, you sound like you are pretty much still his mistress. That's the role you have in his life. It suits him but not you.”

This.