Separating from someone you love

[AbigailLouise1]

We decided to separate a few weeks ago. He has a house ready to move into mid January. I still love him very much but the problems between us are too big to keep putting us both through. We can’t communicate. He earns £32k a year, but is always “skint” (he gives me £200 weekly towards bills. Sometimes less if he hasn’t got it & I work full time too). No household maintenance gets done unless I do it and pay for it (eg I fitted a 2nd hand kitchen myself - despite him being in the building industry and should be able to do some things himself). Intellectually we’re incompatible and I find myself irritated by having to help him do basic things. He’s never remembered a birthday, never surprised me with anything, no weekends away, date nights, or even a takeaway night just for the two of us. I feel like I’m his mother and he’s a lazy teenager.

BUT - I do love and care for him - he’s not a bad person, he’s a likeable guy, friendly and everyone who meets him loves him. Im anxious about how he will manage on his own. I could easily stop the separation for his benefit so I know he’s ok, but I know things will never get better for me. I’ve had 4 children and I feel I’ve spent enough years looking after others.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Why do you feel responsible for a fully fledged adult?

Because - and this sounds awful! But he’s not very bright. His heart is in the right place, just doesn’t know how to use it 😩

He needs to stand on his own two feet, you don't have the time or energy for another teen to manage,

I sympathise OP, there are elements of my current relationship that are like this and I feel VERY conflicted - it’s difficult. Go round in this loop of trying to reconcile myself to the bits that are incompatible and finding myself again and again caught between a rock and a hard place, half thinking to leave, half thinking this is my life partner and not being able to contemplate not being together. Also a very lovely person with many positive qualities.

I was like this with my exH of 7 years! He also has no social life... When he met me he was coming home from work at 7pm, eating and going to bed. Rinse and repeat. I was particularly worried about how lonely he'd be.

Off his own back (wouldn't when I asked him FFS) went to counselling and now has a varied and busy social life!

It's kinder to let him start to gain independence imo

Has he ever lived alone then? How did he manage before he met you?

Im sure that he is more than capable of figuring out how to wash his own clothes or cook meals and pay bills etc - amazing really what people can do when no one else is there to do it for them!!

Well, a divorce is a big transition so I think it's natural to have all kinds of thoughts going through your mind about it until you reach a new normal.

That said, it sounds like you're just not compatible with this guy so you're doing the best thing for both of you. This way you both get a chance to find someone who's a better fit for you.

I'd stay away from him so the transition can fully occur. He's not your problem anymore. Good luck!

You'll be so much happier without him, you sound lovely

I've not been through it but can empathise as I'm considering something similar. Such a difficult place to be. Wishing you luck.

Absolutely going around in a loop!!! This is it. It’s been like this for years. I’m getting older, I’m tired enough of the stresses of my older children without having a grown man draining me too.

It’s just so sad 😞 thoughts are with you x

Thank you x

You’re doing the right thing. It’s not a good relationship for an adult when you’re basically mothering him. He might not be very bright, but organising a date night, putting a reminder in his phone to remember your birthday etc isn’t something you need to be bright for. He just doesn’t make the effort, and that won’t change. Presumably you don’t want a relationship like that, which is why you ended it. Don’t go back, as you’ll regret it. You can still love and care about him, and not be in a relationship with him.