“ Playing The Victim”

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

DH hasn’t said this for a while but he did in an argument tonight & I hate it! As far as I’m concerned, trying to explain how you feel is not playing the victim. I end up so frustrated because he’s so difficult to argue with! My DMIL used to say that DH’s Dad was the same. Any advice how to react if he says this?

He’s maybe trying to shut you down before you say anything. Why don’t you ask him if he’s trying to shut you down and if so why?

He’s trying to minimise your reactions and your feelings, because he clearly thinks his opinion is the more important one. You’re perfectly entitled to express your feelings and he’s out of order for saying this.

No advice but hoping to hear some. I get exactly the same from DH. Or ‘’oh, and then you turn on the tears’. I totally get it OP.

I would tell him 'it's because I'm not a fucking victim that we're having this conversation, a victim would put up with this shit and I won't!', see if that does the trick.

He can try to shut me down sometimes which is why I get so frustrated. Tonight’s argument was a bit different because I absolutely could get where he was coming from but he expressed it badly. I think communication is a problem. DH has low self esteem & can get very defensive.He’s gone upstairs so I texted but he replied, asking me to please not text & to leave him alone. That’s my “ thing” if you like, as I know he’s entitled to a break but I still feel I have stuff to say!

Anyone else?

Do you feel your Dh treats you as his equal?

I agree its probably just a way of shutting you up.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I think he is abusive towards you and this has indeed been learnt from his father. His stonewalling behaviour ie shutting you down is also a behaviour mired in abuse. He wants absolute power and control over you. This is nothing to do with he having low self esteem, he is using you to put down to make his own pathetic self seem better. He will do a number on your self worth totally if you do not get away from him.

I would seriously consider your future within this relationship because you, and in turn your kids, will merely be in for more of the same from him. This is who he is and such men do not change. Please do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him as it’s never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Consider also contacting Womens Aid.

He's shutting you up, and it's working, sounds lke he learned it from his dad.

Poor self esteem or not, it's unacceptable and I would be asking him to join you in making efforts to improve the communication in your relationship at the very least.

Is that fair though? He's gone upstairs as he doesn't want to keep arguing and you're not respecting that as 'it's not your thing' as you want to keep argument going?

To say

I need a break from this conversation I'm going upstairs/round the block and let's pick up when I come back and try to sort this out

Absolutely fine.

To say, stop playing the victim

Not fine.

He’s gone upstairs so I texted but he replied, asking me to please not text & to leave him alone. That’s my “ thing” if you like, as I know he’s entitled to a break but I still feel I have stuff to say!

If he's gone for a break, then it's not OK to text him. Maybe write down what you want to say and wait for him to be ready to talk again.

I do find it very difficult not to go after him or text him & I know the importance of having a break with DD14, as she is relentless in an argument & I just can’t take anymore.
I think basically resentment had built up on DH’s part but he hadn’t expressed it so then it came out more forcefully than perhaps it should have done. As I said earlier, I could see where he was coming from but I didn’t feel able to give my side as he was just too wound up.
Not sure it’s abusive - we went through a very rough patch a few years back & DH has admitted he behaved very badly due to money worries - but now it’s very rare that he makes me feel like he did back then. I guess I was his emotional punchbag. I told him tonight that he was putting me in the wrong no matter what I was saying & that he seems to find it difficult to admit when he’s in the wrong without sounding sarcastic or saying something like “ Oh I’m in the wrong again, that’s what I’m good at” which is another thing that frustrates me!

But why are you going after him to continue the argument? You've said yourself it's relentless when your dd does it to you?

I don’t know! Maybe I think I just won’t get to say what I really want to say unless it’s at the time. I didn’t go after DH tonight but I did text. It’s not to continue the argument but to say how I feel. But I know I stop listening with DD & DH does the same with me.

Sometimes people need a break from the argument and you have to leave them for a bit to gather their thoughts.

That’s ok but he went up for the rest of the evening, had no tea etc. Guess everyone is different.

So write down what you want to say in a text, but don't send it. Then you have what you want to say saved, and can talk to him again at a calm time.

I would say to him: OK, if you need a break from a discussion we're having, I won't pursue you with texts, but removing yourself is a "to be continued" not the end and we will talk about it more the next day.

Surely it's better to talk again when you're both calmer than to keep going?

Why would he come down? It wouldn't just be for tea would it? It would be 'tea with continued relentless argument'?

Did he say playing the victim in the argument or in response to the text?

I couldn't cope if you were texting me when I had removed myself to get a break

My ex was the same. Communication got so bad between us that we couldn’t even communicate face to face and would do it via email. That’s not normal in a relationship. We have been split over 10yrs and do get on well (well we did until we both started dating now things are a bit strained but sure we will get back to being friends one day) but we still end up having to communicate via email. There’s a lot of emotion and anger inside me that’s built up over the years and that comes out in an argument. So walking away is fine, my ex does that, but he never wants to continue the conversation again. That’s it, end of and then if festers and builds. I’m in a new relationship, very early days so of course no arguments yet but I’m going to make sure we can communicate and have an argument where both parties get to say their piece without storming off. My biggest red flag will be someone ignoring me as my ex ignored me for days after an argument, once it went on for 6wks. 6wks! That’s why he’s an ex

frylite it was during the argument- we have talked about it all this morning & I’ve told him it’s completely unacceptable.

I feel if you are upset within a relationship the other person should try to resolve it with you. This should be done in the spirit of openness and honesty from both sides. If one partner refuses to do this then there will be problems either in the near future or as anger stored up over many years. I would really struggle with this behaviour as it’s frustrating and tbh I feel he is being manipulative. Withholding a resolution to an argument is bad behaviour. Obviously if he’s said sorry and it’s been resolved then I wouldn’t keep it going but that doesn’t sound like what you are doing.