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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with a problematic ex?

7 replies

Witsend375 · 01/01/2023 20:55

I’m at my wits end. My ex husband likes to play (mind) games and after several years it just feels relentless as well as tiring, annoying and infuriating. I thought he would have stopped this by now as he’s got a gf and they live together. Does it ever stop or do I just have to wait until my kids are 18 and then cut him out of my life completely?

I admit, at first, I tried to be friendly and flexible with him but that obviously didn’t work out as he took advantage of it and it all went wrong. And I think he’s really pushing for a reaction at the moment because I’ve set up stronger boundaries after some events last summer. I don’t talk to him anymore when he picks up the kids or I drop them off, and he can only contact me by email now and I’ve blocked him everywhere else. Sometimes I feel like I should confront him but then I just remind myself that the best thing to do is not to react. But is it? Or should I play his game and just tell him that he can’t see the kids if he’s late, for example? But then it would just be the kids and I who would suffer… and I have a feeling that he would enjoy playing the victim of not being able to see the kids… So do I just keep on not reacting for the next several years? Please tell me how to cope with this all. I just feel so worn down at the moment.

and sorry for being so vague. I’m trying to be as unrecognisable as possible, and I don’t think the details really matter as I’m only trying to find out the best ways to deal with him. But we live in separate countries now due to logistical factors out of my control. I basically work full time, have no family support nor time off. Kids are not in danger because he’s ultimately a Disney dad although he doesn’t see them very often.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Talon01 · 01/01/2023 21:03

Have you done mediation at any point

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 21:09

No point in confronting.

Keep your boundaries strong.

With regards him being late I guess it depends on whether it's an in inconvenience to you or it's doesn't really have an impact.

GreenSunfish · 01/01/2023 21:11

Keep all communication to email, you’re doing the right thing by not reacting (these manipulators love a reaction), try not to rely on him for childcare (for work for example). Unfortunately even when they have new partners they still love playing wind up!!

Witsend375 · 01/01/2023 21:13

We did. The mediator was great.

OP posts:
Witsend375 · 01/01/2023 21:16

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 21:09

No point in confronting.

Keep your boundaries strong.

With regards him being late I guess it depends on whether it's an in inconvenience to you or it's doesn't really have an impact.

I can’t really plan anything because I don’t know if he’s coming or what time. Sometimes things go smoothly though. It’s not very often though.

I will keep my boundaries strong.

OP posts:
Witsend375 · 01/01/2023 21:19

GreenSunfish · 01/01/2023 21:11

Keep all communication to email, you’re doing the right thing by not reacting (these manipulators love a reaction), try not to rely on him for childcare (for work for example). Unfortunately even when they have new partners they still love playing wind up!!

Thank you. I will do that however frustrating it gets at times.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2023 21:21

Ah well you give him until his allotted pick up time and then go out and do plan B.

If there is anyway you can get a babysitter to look after them when he is due to have them that takes all the power back.

You need to get to a place where it makes no difference to your life/plans if he collects or not.

Shit for you but that's what he wants for you to have zero
Child free time.

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