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Original poster

What do I say to him. 20 yr marriage and no communication

17 replies

StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 01/01/2023 20:23

I’m getting the silent treatment again
no happy new year, a smile or a look my way
we recently stopped drinking alcohol- I’m 3 weeks and he is 1

I’m optimistic, looking forward and concentrating on good things
he is withdrawn, negative, moody, passive aggressive

I know now isn’t the time to make any big decisions although I can’t imagine this being any fun moving forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 10:55

Day time bump as I can’t imagine I’m the only one.

it’s the lack of caring I find the most difficult and plan to get out of this house more on my own 2023

OP posts:
Worriere · 02/01/2023 10:57

How long has it been like this?

Wouldn't you be happier making plans to leave? I had a husband like that. I was far happier on my own, no one to bring me down or criticise my decisions.

Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 12:08

Since I gave up drinking

OP posts:
Mrstumbletap · 02/01/2023 12:18

If you both had a vice that made your marriage happy, and when it's gone there is no happiness, there wasn't much of a marriage anyway.

You are better off without the booze, but are you better off without him?

What happiness does he bring you? What benefit is there to staying together?

Iwanttoslowdown · 02/01/2023 12:20

Has the booze been masking the real problems?

freeandfierce · 02/01/2023 12:23

I could have written this four years ago when I gave up the booze. Helped me see things very clearly and I managed to get out by the September. Not sure how I put up with that treatment for so long but explains why I drank!

Worriere · 02/01/2023 12:38

So it's only been going on 3 weeks and you've been together 20 years? How were things before 3 weeks ago?

Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 13:45

Mrstumbletap · 02/01/2023 12:18

If you both had a vice that made your marriage happy, and when it's gone there is no happiness, there wasn't much of a marriage anyway.

You are better off without the booze, but are you better off without him?

What happiness does he bring you? What benefit is there to staying together?

Quite

im certainly better without the booze, it’s 22 nights sober tonight for me.

I feel positive, I’m looking to wards the future, I’m attending meetings and doing my home work
he is none of these things, he has retreated in to a silent lump. Our teens are also receiving the same treatment and none of us want to ask him what is wrong.

OP posts:
Dery · 02/01/2023 13:54

But this surely: “So it's only been going on 3 weeks and you've been together 20 years? How were things before 3 weeks ago?”

Alcohol may have been papering over cracks but if there’s been a lot of good in the previous 20 years, that may be more indicative of the quality of the relationship overall rather than the last 3 weeks.

Mari9999 · 02/01/2023 13:56

Maybe he is experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms.

Worriere · 02/01/2023 13:59

Dery · 02/01/2023 13:54

But this surely: “So it's only been going on 3 weeks and you've been together 20 years? How were things before 3 weeks ago?”

Alcohol may have been papering over cracks but if there’s been a lot of good in the previous 20 years, that may be more indicative of the quality of the relationship overall rather than the last 3 weeks.

That's what I was getting at really, just didn't expand enough.

Was the relationship always like this but alcohol disguised it? Or is he having a hard time with these changes and could come through it? Does OP want to wait and see which it is? Are they just on different paths now and OP would be better away from him?

So many unknowns if they're both now sober and haven't been for the rest of the duration of their relationship.

Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 14:06

Dery · 02/01/2023 13:54

But this surely: “So it's only been going on 3 weeks and you've been together 20 years? How were things before 3 weeks ago?”

Alcohol may have been papering over cracks but if there’s been a lot of good in the previous 20 years, that may be more indicative of the quality of the relationship overall rather than the last 3 weeks.

It’s certainly something I’d be interested to look deeper in to but I just don’t know what to say or where to atart

i know I’m being selfish not asking him what’s wrong but a huge part of me is trying not to drink for tonight, doing my homework and working on me for a minute.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 02/01/2023 14:28

I think you should concentrate on your sobriety for now, once you have a year or two you will be able to think more clearly about what you want.

Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 14:28

freeandfierce · 02/01/2023 12:23

I could have written this four years ago when I gave up the booze. Helped me see things very clearly and I managed to get out by the September. Not sure how I put up with that treatment for so long but explains why I drank!

It’s such early days for me. He does look after us as a family in other ways, it’s just with no emotion

I’d happily work things through and can see positives in what I do. I suppose I need to ask if he has checked out of the marriage first.

OP posts:
Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 14:30

Luckydip1 · 02/01/2023 14:28

I think you should concentrate on your sobriety for now, once you have a year or two you will be able to think more clearly about what you want.

I agree and this is what I am doing but I need to break this silent treatment in the house as I can’t concentrate properly.

I appreciate I’m 4 days in on new medication as well so maybe it is me more than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 02/01/2023 14:38

Worriere · 02/01/2023 13:59

That's what I was getting at really, just didn't expand enough.

Was the relationship always like this but alcohol disguised it? Or is he having a hard time with these changes and could come through it? Does OP want to wait and see which it is? Are they just on different paths now and OP would be better away from him?

So many unknowns if they're both now sober and haven't been for the rest of the duration of their relationship.

Show quote history

I think he is struggling
he wouldn’t admit it to me though

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 02/01/2023 14:45

Talking about being 22 days sober suggests alcohol has played a big part in your life and possibly his life too. You’re very early in a process of change, not the best time to be thinking of further significant change.

Alcohol is a depressant, it dulls emotional response, you may be seeing through sober eyes the impact alcohol has had on him - it’s going to take time for him to relearn how to feel, express and cope with emotions. Do you have other emotional supports in place for your own change process? He may not be able to engage emotionally for a while so having support in place for you is important. You may also find the initial positivity/euphoria wears off for you as you start to go through life from a sober place. Giving up alcohol can be very challenging with lots of conflicting feelings and it becomes easy to project onto others the reasons for your own struggles.

I’d give it time for you both to adjust, then see what might need work on your relationship. Maintaining sobriety should be your main priority because that will make further constructive change more possible.

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