Couples therapy - did it actually help you?

[Yumchips]

Hi

Just wondered about the experiences of anyone who tried couples therapy with their spouse. Did it help the marriage, improve communication? Or even if you ended up separating, did the therapy provide the setting to help make that decision? Thank you to anyone who can share their experience.

It certainly helped us.

Our couples therapist was the person who picked up on my rather severe PPD, which my midwives and GP had missed. Just that nudge to look after my own mental health (and the coaching the therapist gave to my DH to support me) helped us a bunch.

The therapist also helped us look at our schedules to build more couple time into our weeks. We both work full time and have 3 young DCs, so we’re very busy, and while we’re a great team, we were definitely drifting apart emotionally. I’d say our issues aren’t « fixed », but have improved, and we are hopeful that we can continue the positive trajectory.

As long as there is no abuse in the relationship, I 100% recommend couples therapy.

Well, yes and no. It depends what you mean by "help".....

My husband and I had couples therapy many years ago. We'd been married for 20 years already and I thought we'd got a solid relationship, but it all went wrong. We couldn't really work out how it gone wrong, every time I tried to discuss things my DH didn't want to talk, he'd literally clam up and just walk off.

My DH was in a job role which paid for us to have counselling, we were able to choose a therapist, we chose someone who was (at the time) relatively well known (they had written books on couples therapy) and therefore I believe they were quite experienced as a therapist. DH would not accept a female therapist as he thought they would be "on my side" as he put it, I was just willing to accept anyone who might facilitate talking and working through things.

I assumed a therapist would enable us to see each other's point of view, help us start talking to each other and slowly make compromises to build our marriage back together. It didn't happen that way, so if that was the goal, no, it didn't work.

But as we went to sessions I started to see DH in a different light. As DH began to trust the therapist more, he began to reveal his real thoughts on our relationship.....it was an eye opener. On our final session the therapist asked us each to talk about our ideal future together, how we'd be with each other, what we'd be doing, how our 'perfect' relationship would look and so on. I said all the things I thought were normal....sharing things together again, perhaps travelling, being 'in love' again, working alongside each other.

My DH outlined a completely different picture. It was all about him....how he would advance in his career, move house/area, gain promitions and so on. When asked about my own role in this new life, DH had to think before saying I'd be "pottering about somewhere in the background", perhaps keeping the house tidy (!!) and gardening??!! I didn't feature in his life at all, he seemed oblivious to the notion that I might share in his future.

I would have never have got this information without the therapy. It made me realise I would never have the marriage I wanted, it was a 'dream' which wasn't going to happen for me. It hurt but it was a lightbulb moment; we stopped therapy and and I filed for divorce immediately. It wasn't the outcome I expected or wanted but it showed me clearly what I should really do and gave me the courage to do it. It was very hard, I had to let go of my own hopes for the future but I haven't regretted that decision.....DH became ExDH and I have done many things with my life subsequently which would not have been possible if I had stayed married.

As I said at the start, it depends what you mean by therapy "helping".

Thanks, I appreciate both responses. I suppose I started this thread to make sure I manage my own expectations. There's working towards the ideal situation and needing to balance that against the chance that it may never happen.

Therapy can be very painful and l found we got worse before we got better. But somewhere in the process things began to improve. We also had a guy . I already had personal counselling with a different person so was a bit aware of the impact of it and how you need to stick it out when the going gets tough. Dh found that as its like..this was supposed to make us better but it has made us worse!!
So maybe agree beforehand that ye won't run at the first hurdle.
I know a few couples who have had it and are doing extremely well. Both couples were in a very bad way but all committed to the process.

It really helped us and our marriage is much stronger as a result.

I went into it expecting it would help us separate but it actually helped us so much we are still together and much happier due to understanding each other better. We had drifted into not communicating properly and it helped us get through that.

My parents went to couples counseling about 18 years in the marriage. DF was high earner, extremely charismatic and cheating. DM was SAHM. DF charmed the female therapist to the point the therapist told DM that DF worked hard and was entitled to have a mistress and she was just going to have to accept it.
They divorced a few years later. He left her.
Family therapy was even worse.

Not helpful. Like with pp he charmed the therapist (male btw).

My STBX is good at playing the victim and appearing both rational and very fair. As the therapist has to treat you both equally, if you have a manipulative partner, it's likely that the therapist will inadvertently become a tool of his abuse and then outside the therapy use the therapist's responses to confirm he's right and you're wrong.

If there's no manipulation in the relationship I think it can be helpful.

It (Relate) was a waste of time. Ex enjoyed the sessions and talking about himself, but saw no reason to act differently or even have a conversation at home.

The counsellor appeared to see no problems with our relationship - we looked a nice middle-class couple) - although we barely spoke outside sessions.

Couples therapy is not advised where there is any abuse, including emotional abuse or coercive control.

The aim of therapy might vary - many marital therapists will be very blunt that their role is not necessarily to prevent divorce but to ensure both persons needs are being heard and understood, what goal each has for the relationship and that the problems between them are brought to light and clarified. If it then seems like they can be overcome and importantly that both parties WANT to overcome them, then they work on solutions.

I know one couple who have stayed together and attribute this to understanding and changing behaviour through therapy and another couple who came to a joint understanding that they were no longer right for each other.

Stop being a SAHM. It's an absolute con unless the role is respected.

I WFH. I unload the dishwasher while I wait for my tea to brew. I fold laundry during meetings where I am mostly there to listen. I use the time I save commuting for the family not just myself.

The bar is so low for men.

Put your baby in nursery and find a job. See if he steps up when you're working working outside the home. If not, get rid of him.

Oops sorry wrong thread!

Similarly to a PP, it was helpful for me to realise that the marriage was over and we were best going our separate ways. He did not value what I brought to the marriage.

It was also helpful in that I knew I'd tried everything I could to make it work and wasn't just "giving up cos you can't be bothered" as he frequently accused me.

No.

We had a young & presumably inexperienced counsellor who was totally taken in by my H & his agenda.

I wanted to talk about intimacy - as in, how to achieve better communication, emotional honesty, a more open style of listening.
The counsellor heard "intimacy", assumed "sex" & the entire session became all about H's sex drive, & how my role was to service it. Absolutely zero focus on my needs, or even anything I wanted to say.

I gave up, played along to get to the end of the session, & he is now an ex-H.

If anyone here suspects they are in an abusive relationship - do NOT do to couples counselling. Professionals recommend that it is avoided when one of the couple is an abuser. All that will happen is they will manipulate the counsellor, their partner, & ramp up their abuse outside of the sessions by weaponsing any vulnerabilities their partner has disclosed.