I need to stop being stupid

[Newuser15]

Hi everyone
Happy New Year! I need some smart advice on how to stop being so utterly stupid.

I've posted before but name changed for this one.

Basically, I got pregnant very early into a relationship with someone I had known down the years but we hadn't really got it together. Well not long after starting to see each other I got pregnant. An amazing blessing and my daughter is my world. But as the months went on (the really difficult ones post birth) he wasn't particularly supportive or helpful in terms of looking after baby, doing any nights with her or supportive of my mental health. I was exhausted and as I remember it now quite numb to a lot of things and felt like I was just existing from day to day (mix of exhaustion and annoyance/ resentment at him). (I now think I probably had some post-natal depression). He would be quite short-tempered with me over silly things like not making chips all the same size, missing a contraceptive pill, the time of day I took the pill, and also bigger things like me not liking to leave my baby to cry (I never did but he wanted to). Also stuff like why I hadn't ever cooked like dinner party stuff for friends and the fact that I didn't really drink (and he drinks at least a bottle of wine every night)
In the end it got to the point where I was unhappy.. I told him I was, we tried but ultimately around a year ago I told him it's best he moves out. He started looking for a place to buy and moved out in September.

Stupidly, we were still sleeping together between February and November this year.. not loads but a few times a month. I know, I know... totally stupid but we talked about it and it suited me, and him, no doubt.

Anyway.. (I'm sorry this is so long), the sleeping together stopped about a month ago and (yes, again, stupidly), I asked him about it on Christmas Day. He said it had to stop, he's moved on, he wants to meet someone else and to be honest was pretty harsh about it. It totally devastated me. I wish it hadn't.. but it did. I've been so upset about it since then and today I think he is out on a date. I feel absolutely crushed. Broken. But I know deep down that he wasn't particularly nice to me and never once supported me with housework or looking after baby and just lived like a single man most of the timehe was here. Also I think he's a functioning alcoholic.

So what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so hurt and bothered by this? I feel insanely jealous but also really angry- he's not treated me very nicely, nor his daughter, slept with me while it suited him and now wants to move on, and call the shots on when he gets to see his daughter.

I know this reeks of low self esteem but I think part of the issue for me is that he is my little girls father and I never wanted things to be like this.

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading.

In fairness, he's absolutely right to feel that having sex with one another needs to stop. You're no longer in a relationship, and you'll be far better co-parents without an intermittent sexual relationship complicating things. Yes, he's your child's father, but he's no longer your partner, and you were (rightly) the one to end things and have him move out, because you weren't happy. Maybe you're just mourning that now that's it's finally ended. Maybe some therapy to move on from this?

He’s done the right thing. At least he isn’t using you and is being upfront. Getting pregnant so soon into this relationship was probably not a great idea for you or your baby. He’s not taken any of it on board and seems to have moved on xx

It's unkind of him to rub salt into the wounds and say he wants to find someone else, no one needs to hear that. Decide for yourself that enough is enough, and when grass isn't greener, I expect he will come back to try it on with you again! You can also move on, stay strong and don't fall into this trap again.

Its natural to feel hurt & heartbroken when you've experienced rejection, which is what's happened 💐

Let's face it, you weren't really separated if he was still in your bed, so you've got to deal with that sadness too. He's done you a favour though, you can now start to move forward.

But if the date goes badly, he'll be back. Thats when you'll need to be strong to prevent this becoming a recurring thing.

Thanks everyone.

Yes, things did move quickly and I didn't know him well enough. I suppose I had hoped somewhere that we could get back together (why, I don't know) and this just feels like the ultimate rejection.

I think it's right, @PortableVirgins that I am probably mourning the end as I didn't have any sense of sadness or regret when we ended or when he moved out. I'm feeling it all now.

This too shall pass.
You’re in mourning for the loss of whatever you thought he could bring into your life. Sounds like you’re better off without him and at least he’s being honest.
It'll take some getting over but he’s done the right thing & stopped leading you on.

This will be your year! Embrace 2023 with fortitude, bravery, resolve and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
it’ll work out. You’ll see.

Yes @GroggyLegs that's it.. I am mourning the end of whatever it was, plus on top of it he is telling me he wants to find someone else, and on top of that, he's very likely doing that right now.

All while I look after our child 24 hours a day, every day.

It's really hard. And so upsetting.

I very much doubt the date will go badly. He's obviously determined to find someone else and will pull out all the stops. And I highly doubt he will be back given he actually said to me 'I'm sorry that I don't want to sleep with you anymore'. Cheeky b£#&@**

You were probably emotionally dependent on him and desperately hoping he'd magically turn into a good partner and father. It was never going happen so he's done you a big favour. Give yourself some time to grieve and move on to better things.

Thanks @Warspite. I'm just annoyed he decided it all on his terms and quite clearly wasn't going to say anything and just let it fade.. as much as it can when you have to be in contact regularly.

I'm trying to be positive and plan good stuff with my little one. I'm sure I will move into the anger phase soon.

Yes @Choconut.. my auntie died 3 weeks ago and my mother has been horrendous to me the last few months to the point where I have gone NC with her.. and so yes he was some sort of support for me too. But obviously he doesn't care.

Yes! Fill your diary with great activities and meet up with others.

My motherly advice would be to concentrate on yourself and your DD.
Furthermore I would counsel you not to kick over the traces with a new relationship too soon.

Give yourself time to grow, dedicate yourself to your daughter and find out who you are in the coming months/year.
You can do it. This is your time. Embrace it.

Hope you haven't recently missed any contraceptive pills and been taking them correctly.

You need to review what you’ve written and understand that you REALLY don’t want him back.

You said “ he wasn't particularly nice to me and never once supported me with housework or looking after baby and just lived like a single man most of the time he was here. Also I think he's a functioning alcoholic.”

You’d known him for years but hadn’t got together. Then not long after starting to see him you got pregnant and during the course of your relationship he showed you that you are quite different people with different ideas on child rearing and partnership, so you asked him to move out.

However your comments that “he is my little girls father and I never wanted things to be like this” and “I had hoped somewhere that we could get back together” show an almost idealistic view of what you think/hope your relationship should be.

It won’t be this though as you know from experience. He will never be a good partner for you.

So what the hell is wrong with me

The fact that you think something is wrong with you, and nothing else.

You've been treated poorly, and you hurt. You kept going back because that's an example you've been set (your parents' unhappy relationship? Their relationship with you as a child? Somewhere along the line, you've learned that love means feeling shitty and recovering, repeatedly) You've done exactly what many people do, there's nothing unusual about you.

Nurture yourself. Give yourself time to recover, without the attitude. How would you expect an unhappy friend to deal with you saying to them 'What is wrong with you??' You wouldn't do it, would you, because it's mean.

Thank you.
@Warspite ironically I had been focusing on my daughter and improving me and my mental health. This has massively knocked it.
And I have absolutely no desire at all for another relationship, or even to chat to anyone, I am just not interested, nor do I even have the time! So that won't be happening for a very, very long time.
@TroysMammy I stopped the pill but we used contraception every time so that's definitely not a worry.
@Speakingofdinosaurs Your message really resonated.. I had a lot of time last year to weigh all this up and I had no doubts whatsoever that I was doing the best thing for me and the little one. As said before I probably didn't grieve the end of it all and now as he was so blunt it's just hit me. I probably did have an idealistic view of what the relationship could be.. we had been getting along really well, he was being really supportive, helping me out with a few things and actually doing things like days out all together as a family which probably gave me an idea of how it could be.. but he just shut that right down.
@Watchkeys thank you. My parents split when I was a baby so I didn't see any drama to be fair but I know that this has its impacts too. I will think about what you said.. I think I am just angry at myself for letting myself be walked all over and him seemingly being able to call all the shots. That's it I think.