This is going to be a long one so apologies in advance.
My whole life has been a series of people close to me letting me down in ways they shouldn't and this has meant I now trust no one and now as an almost 30 year old adult it is affecting my daily life because I can't trust anyone's intentions.
When I was 4 up until I was 11 I was sexually abused by my grandfather who was my mothers father. My parents both worked nights and so I was either looked after by my nan and grandad or my older sister.
I am the youngest by quite a bit with my brother being the eldest, he went into the army when he was 19 and I was 11 so our relationship was odd in the fact that I would see him for a couple of days every 6 months or so where he would spoil me by taking me out shopping or with his new girlfriend on days out.
My sister is 8 years older than me but has some learning difficulties and these make her quite immature. She doesn't deal with frustration well and so when dealing with 8 year old me not wanting to do something would get very physical and I have many memories of being dragged upstairs by my hair and crying myself to sleep. She would sometimes apologise in the morning and sometimes not. I vividly remember my parents having a conversation with my sister when I was around 9/10 telling her to stop hitting me as I was wetting the bed and starting to get very anxious and they had attributed this to how my sister was treating me when she was babysitting me.
When I was 11 before my father woke for his night shift and before my mother started hers, my mum was attempting to take me to my grandparents for the night and for the first time I refused to go. She questioned why over and over and I refused to tell her why. Finally she said if I couldn't give her a reason then I was going, so I told her everything! She burst into tears and was inconsolable, I stood there confused not knowing what to do. She didn't offer me any hug or tell me everything was going to be alright she simply asked if I wanted to go to the police. I was a terrified 11 year old girl so I said no! When my father woke up she told him I had been sick and she had to stay home with me. The next day she invited my grandad up to our house while my dad was out and while I hid upstairs in my parents bedroom. She told him what I had said had happened and asked him if it was true, he said no and then turned to talk about something on the tv. I know this because after he left I came down to ask what had happened and this is what she told me. She then told me we couldn't tell my dad because he would kill my grandad and it would cause massive issues in the family.
So I stayed quite. As I got older I would still be forced to see him, not alone but at family gatherings and I would do my best to stay away from him. Once on a visit home my brother questioned why I had cut my grandad out of a family photo I had on my bedside table, I lied that the photo didn't fit in the frame, he was really mad at me as the photo was from one of his passing out parades and he adored my grandfather, all the boys in my family did. I ran downstairs upset and pleaded with my mum to let me tell him because I didn't want him to be upset with me. She said if he I told him he would tell my dad and he would then divorce her. So I stayed quiet.
When I was 14 my grandad died. I attended his funeral with the rest of my family at a Catholic Church. After the service and after everyone had left the church where my grandfather was left so people could go in and pay their last respects privately. My uncle insisted each one of the grandchildren went in one by one to have one last moment with their grandfather. As it came to my turn I looked at my mum with eyes as to say please don't make me do this, please come up with some excuse, anything! She said nothing. So I did as I was told and stood looking at my grandads coffin, alone, just me and his dead body, this still haunts me to this day.
After this I got horrifically bullied inside and outside of school by people who were meant to be my friends. They would arrange to meet me somewhere and then all be waiting with eggs and flour. Or they'd all pin me down and take my trousers down or bag me as it was called then.
I can see now that because of things that had happened previously I had no idea how to set boundaries or to see when I was in an abusive relationship and get out and this continued for much of my adolescence and early 20s.
When I was 17 my dad got cancer and after a short illness he died. He was 52! I was broken. My dad had his faults for sure, he had the worst temper know to man and if he felt a certain way the whole house did but for all his faults I knew he loved me. So his loss was a big one but as I approached turning 18 I kept it alll in and never properly grieved.
I spent the next 4 years getting drunk ALOT and working, I did anything to stay out of the house away from my mum and sister. When I turned 22 I moved out and the relationship with my sister and my mum improved with some distance, I moved in with a girl I had been friends with for a while, she was quite controlling but it worked well for the most part, that is until I fell in love with her brother. She was furious and wanted me to move out if I was seeing her brother, I promised her I would stop because I couldn't go back to living with my mum and sister. So I called off but soon we kept seeing each other in secret because we really did love each other. Unfortunately he was terrified of his sister and after the fallout of her initially finding out we were together he didn't want that again so we kept it secret.
Until I fell pregnant!
The fall out from this was horrific! I was 23 and he was 24 and not ready to be a dad he was quite immature. I decided to keep the pregnancy and go forward on my own. I was kicked out of the house I shared with my friend and had no choice but to go live back with my mum and sister.
As the pregnancy progressed he decided he wanted to be involved and without the involvement of his sister we got back together and are still together now 8 years later!
Unfortunately I had awful PND and motherhood brought back horrific memories of my childhood that I couldn't stuff back in my head anymore. I decided to have the conversation with my mum that I had held off for so long.
In this conversation my mum admitted that she knew I was telling the truth about what my grandad did because he also did it to her!
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she had knowingly put me in the hands of a pedophile!
Since then I have moved away from my home town and only see my family once every few months but even this takes a huge emotional tole and my mum insists on phoning every week.
My children adore her and my sister so I keep that relationship open for them really.
But after all this I just hate people, I can't trust anyone's intentions and I can honestly say it effects every single relationship I have in any form. If I could live just me with no human contact, that would be my preferred scenario.
I try really hard for my kids sake really but I really struggle. When I write it all down it seems I've spent my life being a victim, I try hard now to carry the victim mentality with me anymore but if anything it's meant I've now gone too far the other way. So to prevent me being a victim I've kept everyone as far away as possible so I can't be hurt again. It's really not healthy but it's what feels good for me. Anything else now feels highly unnatural and a lot of effort.
Am I going to be like this forever or are there things I can do to make this better?