To stay for DC and security and it end up ok?

[Eyeeyeeyeeye]

I’m 33, dc are 6,2&1.

DH and I are on the cusp of splitting, my choice because of gaslighting and other shitty behaviour (lazy in our relationship, different priorities, not very responsive to my well-being or needs, lack of boundaries with others but not actually cheated or overstepped the mark, emotionally unavailable, forgets anniversaries, crap gift giver, refuses to book off mother’s day or kids birthdays etc).

We do get on well and raise the kids like a well oiled machine. He doesn’t physically hurt me or manipulate, control or coercive etc. However is great at spinning when I’ve expressed a disappointment in his actions to where he’s more offended that I am upset at him and spins the whole conversation.. example- I was 9 weeks post partum with our 3rd baby (toughest birth of them all) and he offers for me to host a play date to a mum at school while he’s at work, I explained I felt that was crap of him because if I’m hosting I should be offering and I don’t have the capacity to care for someone else’s child and I couldn’t believe he’d do that to me, his reply, “what am I trying to imply here.. that I’m flirting with the mum? She has 3 children and needs a break, why can’t I just think of other people?!” He said he forgot we now have 3 DC and I that I might be the one that needs the break. He will jump to huge conclusions of what I’m doubting or thinking in him and spins it.

Anyway.. other than the gaslighting and boundary issues we work ok. Is that enough though? It will devastate our families lives (DC and our own) if we split, I’m a SAHM, he’s offered to move out and rent while I keep the mortgage and bills on however I know I won’t be able to afford it all, he works odd shifts on odd days so I can’t get a job because of lack of childcare (he’s not willing to change jobs), no family or friends that can help (they all work full time), benefits won’t help enough to cover mortgage and bills and we can’t sell because the house isn’t budging on the market (we tried to sell earlier in the year and even dropping the price didn’t help and if we dropped any further we’d be left with mortgage penalties higher than equity to leave).

Has anyone else stayed and mulled through for the kids and security and it actually ended up ok?

From a financial position I’d stay put and make a plan for the future. I’m saying this as a separated lone parent. Get back into the workforce, get childcare sorted out so that it becomes a normal expense, start saving and getting very familiar with costs etc. This will also give time for the children to become older and easier to manage.
Nothing has to be done in a hurry as long as there’s no danger. Take stock of your current situation and consider what you can do to make the future easier

Gas lighting is a form of control.

I would start with looking for a job. I say this a fellow SAHM.

Does it need to be all or nothing? In your shoes I’d be making plans to separate, so getting back into the workplace, looking at childcare independent of him and seeing what financial support you’d be entitled to down the line.

Lacking boundaries and gaslighting at no small thing - it may be difficult to go right now but I’d be moving in that direction.

I think to say splitting up will devastate your lives is catastrophising. You may well be much happier out at work, having mental peace in your own home, and your children might be perfectly happy in childcare (nursery/breakfast/after school club?) and being raised in a happier emotional environment where both parents are happy.

Have you looked into what benefits you would get?
You only need one motivated buyer to buy a house - maybe the timing just wasn’t right.
Your H may not be willing to change jobs at the moment but he might find he has to (or has to arrange childcare) if you arrange a split - that’s his issue to work out, you don’t need to carry that.

Just keep an open mind and explore options.

This is all very familiar to me, unless he changes, you will one day be leaving there is no doubt.

You could try relationship counselling or private therapy, but at the same time do as the other posters have suggested.

Make sure you know where all the money comes from and goes out (I didn’t), and I’m in real danger of get financially screwed over now we are divorcing.

Have you as yet sought legal advice re separation and divorce?. You and he need to be apart. His gaslighting of you is psychological abuse designed to make you question your own version of reality. That is an emotionally dangerous man you’re with there.

Do not remain in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children either, they are no basis to stay with him. Why would they and or your families be supposedly devastated as well if you split up?. They are too young to be so and your parents are not married to him. You are and you are unhappy. How does being married to him for the next 3 months, let alone 10 years feels to you?. My guess - utter crap.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. This is no relationship example to be modelling to your kids and you would want better for them in their own relationships as adults. You’re both showing your children damaging lessons about relationships and happiness and that a happy relationship is not their birthright.

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, we have spoke about ‘the long term plan’ of separation (we have a fixed term deal that lasts another 4 years so we have to wait for that the end so no penalties paid) and we’re both on board as heartbreaking as that is (planning on separating without the DC knowing) but it’s meant being around him is incredibly difficult at the moment and I suspect for the next 4 years also).

I definitely can’t get a job in the mean time (not for another 2 years due to childcare), it’s physically and financially impossible- unfortunately I can’t make money from thin air and my job was only as a support worker which is just above minimum wage and unsociable hours, even if I get a job in a supermarket or cleaner (which I’ve had before) I still can’t afford to pay for 2 children in nursery aswell as before and after school clubs for older dc. I will earn no more than 16k a year.

I think if it's going to work you have to accept him for who he is - lying, gaslighting arsehole - and have a shallow relationship with no depth and few expectations. Stop having sex/romance so you don't care if he has poor boundaries with others (or at least it doesn't affect you in the same way ie risk of STD's) because if he knows you're planning on splitting then chances are he'll double down on trying to line someone else up. You organise everything that allows you a nice life - ie buy your own presents, organise any outings yourself, do things on your own if he is flaky and always ends up having to work or having alternative plans. Basically have a practical marriage where he provides financially and you keep everything running apparently smoothly and nicely.

We're in something similar and have found a way to make it work.

By then your children will be 10, 6 and 5. You in turn will be further worn down by his continuous abuses of you, and in turn then and they will absorb all this shite dysfunction around them like sponges. You will likely find more "reasons" to stay; i.e fear of him, fear of the unknown, I do not want to be alone, its Easter, its Christmas, the children are now all in school so their schooling and or friendship groups will be disrupted etc. None of these either are reasons to stay with such a man.

And you certainly cannot remain with him because of some financial penalty on a fixed rate mortgage!. You're hanging yourself by your own petard if you do that. That is no basis at all to stay with such a man, a man who gaslights you as routinely as breathing. Do not think that your kids will not pick up on this because they do and will.

Speak directly to your mortgage provider about your mortgage terms and see for yourself just how much it would cost to leave the fixed rate early. It
could likely be less than you think. I would also urge you to seek legal advice as soon as possible re the property and children as although he may play ball now, there is no guarantee whatsoever that he will not turn nasty on you, and in turn them. Do you not qualify for UC, tax credits and or childcare vouchers?.

There is rarely a good time to leave but leaving now whilst they are younger will be of more benefit to you and in turn them than when they are older and have more understanding. This relationship is no legacy to be leaving them, it really is not.

It depends on the scenario. I know of two women who are miserable, both had affairs but have stayed in their marriage for the security/finances. Both women don't work. One husband knew, his wife even left him for the affair partner but the affair partner didn't leave his own wife, so she came back. The other is cheating with a married man but no parties know. But no one is really abusing anyone and it seems to all work. If you are being gaslit and abused, then I would say it's worth getting your ducks in a row.

It likely works more for him than you Choconut because you're still there cleaning up after him and his messes.

I sincerely hope you find it within you to break free of him, I really do. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and if you have children showing them this example of a marriage serves to emotionally harm them.

would you want your children to be in this kind of relationship? If so, crack on as you’re showing them that this is normal behaviour and something to put up with. I would definitely leave as wouldn’t want my children to have this sort of relationship as a starting block for them.

With respect, divorce is not going to devastate lives. That's a needlessly dramatic spin. Nobody's dying here, you're just talking about living in different places.

Can you really not afford as a unit the childcare?

Do you actually know all the finances?

What are about your pension and self esteem and an escape route?

Can you look at retraining?

Has your husband money for his hobby and social life? If so he needs to sacrifice them as he chooses not to change jobs.

He is keeping you very much trapped isn't he?

This!
Perfect answer if you truly have to stick around for another 4 years. In something similar myself except., as always at New Year, I’m questioning everything again.

Sorry- tried to reply to Choconut’s reply- spot on.

Could you retrain whilst at home this year OP? Lots of opportunities online for eg:

https://digitalmums.com

trains up mums in social media then you can work freelance online is one idea...