Why do people end up in relationships which follow patterns from their childhoods?

[SwanZee]

You see it all the time and I've never really understood it and find it confusing and wonder how and why this happens.

I have just recently after reading a book realised this is what's happened to me.
As a child my needs for attention, love and affection weren't met. I was ignored, excluded and my needs weren't something to be addressed. this was normal. It's just the way things were and I didn't know better. I never knew it wasn't right till a long time later in my life. I didn't realise how my childhood has damaged me so much.

My dp does exactly the same things - he ignores me, doesn't talk to me, he frequently doesn't even have eye contact when he does, he doesn't show affection, if I'm ill I still do everything in the house and kids and he won't even ask to help or ask if I'm okay. It's like I'm just invisible and I don't matter. Just like how it was when I was a child. It's taken me so so long to realise this isn't normal but my question is why have I ended up with someone like this.

It doesn't make sense. From the millions of people on the planet I ended up with someone who treats me just how I was in childhood. I don't get it. It's not like I went around actively looking for an abusive person. How does this happen? I find it absolutely phenomenal.

Because it’s familiar, because it feel safe, because it’s all you know..

I did the same but thankfully 10 years ago I finally had the strength to leave the marriage, still on my own but better that way.

Counselling too, lots of, when you’re ready.

I hear you. You would think it would make you push for the opposite and I am sure for many it does. I grew up with a borderline alcoholic father who was verbally and physically abusive to my mum in front of me and my siblings. I am now with someone who is also a heavy drinker (although he is not abusive when sober or drunk). It is something I am not happy with yet here I am and have been for years...

You're like a sponge when you're a child, you absorb your surroundings including relationship dynamics that you see growing up and internalise it as this is how things are, that's all there is out there for you or as much as you will ever deserve and get.

If the people supposed to love you the most treated you like that then there must be something so inherently unlovable about you or that's how real love is like.

It's the relationship model you were given.

It takes a lot of work (or luck) to avoid recreating it unconsciously.

It might also be wanting a do-over with our parents or make up for our childhood by repeating the pattern and then trying to change the outcome thus resolving the hurt by saving them and then they thank us for helping them change for the better. Trying to love them into becoming better. If I only loved them harder, did more, said something or didn't I might have influenced the outcome of how things were with my parents, so I will go now as an adult armed with more information and so much guilt and shame and try and rewrite things with this person that reminds me so much of my parent(s).

It's a fucked up way of wanting to heal yourself or understand your parent(s) better and we keep revisiting and reliving it because we stubbornly think we can heal our wounds by changing this damaged person.

It happens because this is what you're comfortable with. This is your normal.

Because it’s the template you’ve been given, unfortunately.

Therapy can really help stop this.

What type of therapy do you think will help with this

Because it doesn't seem so unacceptable as it would be to someone who grew up in a loving, warm family. Because you don't notice it so obviously in the early days of a relationship. Because you don't have clear boundaries so you don't know when someone has crossed them. Because when someone is actually caring it feels like too much and you run away from it. Because you deep down don't feel like you deserve loving and caring because that was what you were taught when you were a child. Because you don't have the tools to assert how you want a relationship to be early on, so you fall into these negative patterns. Because abusive and avoidant people can spot those who have fragile boundaries and know they can exploit these people, so they get all their needs met, and can be controlling and unkind without having to give anything themselves; abusers know that their partners will go all out to keep the relationship going, because that's what they did with their parents to keep them happy. Because when you live in a dysfunctional family you learn to put others first, partly because it's less painful than acknowledging the neglect you experience, and partly because it can sometimes elicit the tiny bits of attention and approval you do get. Because we are programmed to repeat earlier family patterns in a futile effort to finally resolve them (Freud's repetition compulsion).

It's not your fault that you are in this relationship. The good news is that you can change it if you really want to. Learn about attachment theory, about boundaries, about abusers. Do the Freedom Programme, get some good quality therapy, work on your self esteem, start to change your self talk to make it more positive, gradually learn to be kind to yourself so that you expect more from others.

Are there any books you'd recommend. I feel so stupid that I've only realised now. I skim past all the threads about abusive relationships thinking that's not me.

A therapist who specialises in working with people from dysfunctional family backgrounds. Ideally who works relationally.

Counselling Directory
Psychology Today
BACP

All have lists of therapists. You can search by specialism and location. Speak to a few people before you choose one. Only work with someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Don't work with anyone who makes you feel inadequate, dismissed or intimidated, that will just reinforce past patterns. Ideally work face to face rather than online.

I read from a mumsnetter before that people who come from emotionally healthy families can spot these red flags immediately.

My own theory is people who can't spot these red flags are because they have never been surrounded by emotionally healthy people to know what's right or wrong in these types of relationships whether it's personal relationships or friendships. Unfortunately many are very forgiving, can't hold firm boundaries and can't walk away so easily despite it being toxic and so consuming hence why it's a vicious cycle of sweep it under the carpet, forgive because it's familiar and afraid to be alone. You have no self esteem and confidence and was always taught to accept your position of being a doormat.

Good news is there's therapy and you recognising this makes you take control of the situation on how YOU want to live your life with respect. It's not your fault and it's not on you but to recognise this will help you and your children to grow up in a family where the main role model doesn't take bullshit, to be someone with firm boundaries, to be assertive. Most importantly to have confidence and know you deserve better than this. Good luck.

And while you think, understandably, that you want attention, and to have your needs met and prioritised, it’s a sad fact that for many of us who shared a version of your childhood, that we’re in fact unable to deal with attention or being prioritised when it happens. I know that when someone pays me attention and shows that they’re thinking of me, I get panicky and withdraw, and, nastily, I think less of them. Working on this in therapy, obv.

Pete Walker. - Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving
Lindsey Gibson - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults
Melody Beattie - Codependent No More
Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That

These are all good starting points. Also Emma McAdam on YouTube is very good at learning about processing emotions and learning about your triggers. It's free and it's worth watching.

I would recommend once you've read these, though, spending some time building a different and healthier kind of relationship with a therapist which can act as a different kind of template for relationships in general (not just romantic relationships) going forward.

Please don't feel stupid by the way. We mostly only know what we've been taught. We don't feel stupid not knowing how to speak Chinese if we've never learnt it or lived in China. It's the same with relationships and boundaries.

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I guess it feels like home or “right” to you in some weird way. Theoretically you’re trying to heal your old wounds by putting yourself in the same situation but hoping that this time it’ll work out, he will realise he’s wrong and show you all the love, respect and attention you deserve and then your childhood wounds will be healed. it’s incredibly rare that’ll happen though. I guess he’s also battling dysfunction from his childhood but that doesn’t make abuse ok and you can’t fix him.

The positive is that you have now realised and can take steps to change things going forward.

Relational Therapy
Internal Family Systems
Psychotherapy

Have a look at attachment styles, it's about how you relate and bond with other people in your life and is developed in childhood, influenced by how your earliest family relationships are.

As to why we repeat these unhealthy dynamics, it seems to be basically attraction to what we feel is most familiar, plus there's a theory that when we pick these unhealthy partnerships we are trying to right the wrongs we felt growing up and finally get that validation we missed out on from our familial relationships.

I think this is very astute.

I think that it takes a huge amount of strength but mostly crystal clear insight to not repeat patterns and like pp have said, when it’s normal and safe, you just don’t know.

I also think that if you see a different way of living at a young and influential age, you can maybe gain some of that insight.

I came from a violent and aggressive DV household. Most relatives lived in this environment too. But I noticed other relationships that were kind, loving and who actually cared gently for each other.

So I kind of got the mindset that was the kind of life with someone that I wanted.

I was brutal with this path. Any single slight hint of behaviour I found even remotely irritating or worrying then they were gone.
I made a huge meal out of getting to know them over long periods of time, so didn’t sleep with them for sometimes months into the relationship, vetted them as a friend first, spent time on my terms with them.
Admittedly I was fucking hard work.

I met my now husband.
I knew quite quickly that we just fitted. His family were of the gentle, kind loving camp and him, the way he was with me, with others just drew me in.
23 years of marriage and 30 years together and we are polar opposite to my upbringing.

Again it was a long vetting process, 7 years before we married, 10 years together before we had our first child.

I took risks but with future planning stuck firmly in my head. Of course it can all go horribly wrong, people are devious, narcs and abusers can also play the long game before the mask slips.
No way was I going to live the misery that I grew up in, I’d rather be alone.

No, I wouldn't say so.

My dad was military and had a short fuse and would regularly fly off the handle while my mum allowed it. It took for my brother to be sectioned for him to understand his behaviour was out of order for all those years and calm down. He is also a functioning Acholic and regularly admits it. He's no where near as bad as he was before anyone thinks I'm slagging him off he's a much better father now.

My partner is the complete opposite he's extremely laid back, he does shout but only when dc do something silly like run across the road without looking. We rarely argue. He also rarely drinks. I purposely went out looking for the opposite.

Yes, although one might say that therefore had a direct effect on your choosing a life partner, that you went for the opposite. Though it is working out for you, so no probs.
I'd have thought just being aware of this going on would be enough to cure it.

I wasn't aware when I left home and went to uni decades ago that two I were 'involved' with were similar to my parents and the same thing was playing out a bit. There may in some cases be an urge to 'fix' the problematic relationship of the past, or by being away from home, needing to find the comfort blanket again, even if it isn't that comfortable. Agree about the whole following a template thing, too.
A way to get around this is to not see those parents as senior figures any more, but this is hard if they are dominating characters and there weren't many other adults in your social circle as a teen.

There are several reasons.

Some people see it as normal or at least "it didn't do me any harm". It takes a lot of work to admit and accept that your parents were abusive .

Some people are left very vulnerable,with low self esteem and poor boundaries . Add in starving for attention/love and it's easy for an (or several) abusive partners to sneak their way in.

Some people grow up thinking abuse,shouting,trampling all over boundaries etc. equal "passion" or worse love. For example, a lot of the abuse mum threw my way was because "she cared and she loved me. Did I want for her not to give a crap and let me do whatever I wanted?"

Some people grow up thinking that love needs hard work (always only on their part) that they need to earn it and prove they deserve it.

These are just a few reasons and for many people it's a mix of all of these and many others.