My DH said some awful things to me last night

[Crazyindiechick]

He had been drinking. Now I'm thinking I'm fed up of living like this. I've changed who I am to fit round him.
I don't even recognise myself.
He's outside smoking - would rather have a cigarette
Is this the end of my marriage.

Is this always how it is?

Unpleasant when he's drinking?

Does he drink a lot?

Unpleasant when he's not drinking?

Only you can evaluate how bad it's been.

There are several issues here
Is this normal behaviour for your DH. Is he always nasty when drunk. I am a believer in alcohol lowering your inhibitions and that it doesn’t change your personality.
Also you stated you changed yourself to fit around him. Ultimately that is an unhealthy way to live. I think one of the fundamentals to a healthy, happy relationship is that both people get to be themselves in it. Not being yourself eventually wears you down and you feel lost.

How often does he get drunk and say awful things to you.

Hi thank you for replying guys.
This happens every few months, 6-9 months as he's teetotal the rest of the time having had drug addiction problems in his 20s abd 30s.
Just before lockdown he got drunk at a family party and on the way home (we were being given a lift) he started shouting at me and our DC 'it's my home it's my money'

Even if this was the first time it happened it would still be a game changer for me. I forgive and move on with colleagues, neighbours etc., and i can do this to a lesser extent with friends and family, but not with the person sharing my most intimate space. If that person says hurtful things then he needs to immediately recognise this, apologise and never ever do it again. No second chances, no "aw, it was the drink". Love isn't mean/cruel/hurtful. It feels safe, secure and thoughtful.

Is this the end of your marriage?

I'm fed up of living like this.

If this is the case, then there's no reason not to end a relationship in which you and your children are being shouted at by a drunk. **

Not necessarily the end but certainly time for a serious sit down and talk and an acceptance his behaviour must change.

It sounds like he has some built up resentment too, so equally important to discuss that calmly and fully and he needs to work through it if he's still committed to you, your marriage and whatever working/living arrangements you have.

You mentioned a passed drug problem, sometimes alcohol can be quite triggering for recovering addicts as most people would use drugs after having alcohol for that extra something. Many addicts have multiple addictions, if your husband is only like this when drinking it may be the fact he has a drink problem also, especially if he seems to get in this state every time he does drink.

There are people who believe drunks say lots of things they dont mean, am may be just lashing out. I have never really bought that argument - if he keeps saying the same kind of things I would tell him he needs to stop completely or leave.

He's just told me a job I'm due to start is worth s**t - I've been wfh self employed since lockdown.
He's trying to make me part of the problem.

I know it takes two sides but I'm feeling so fogged up.
Am I being unloving - is this why he's saying these things?
Maybe I need to post in more detail. I don't know what to do

I've booked a 30 minute call with Relate - £30 - on Tuesday - to make sure I'm not the problem

Congratulations on your new job.

If he's undermining your confidence, you are not happy in the relationship, and the same patterns of behaviour keep happening, then maybe it's time to look at splitting.

No, he's saying this because he's an abusive git and this is who he is. Drinking, smoking, drugs - you deserve better.

Let me save you £30. It's not you. You are not the cause of a fully grown adult being unable to control himself. The fact that you are even questioning yourself shows a level of self awareness and sense of responsibility that the tantrumming man toddler doesn't deserve. Move forward without him and don't look back. Good luck to you.

Can I also echo Crunchingleaf here. Alcohol may be factor, but it doesn't seriously change who someone is. Someone who is fundamentally nice, will be a nice, but probably an annoying drunk person. Nasty drunks are also usually nasty people. I often believe alcohol and being drunk is more of a personalty enhancer than a personality changer.