Good but unloving marriage. How normal is my situation?

[BearKey]

Happy new year all.

I'm new to MN so apologies I don't know all the acronyms, or if I'm posting in the right group. I am interested to see how many of you are in a similar situation me and I should be grateful for what I have, or feel like there's a bit more to life.

My DH and I have been married 15 years. We have 2 school age children and a lovely home. He is a good man, a good father and a partner with household and kids stuff but he's not remotely romantic, or particularly loving, and can be quite thoughtless because he's just not someone who is thoughtful of others or puts him self out to make others happy. This is the opposite of me who is always trying to make others happy, often to the detriment of what I want or need.

On the surface we have a good marriage and a lovely family and life, but underneath there's hardly any romantic connection going on, we are more or less friends, co parents and housemates. We are intimate rarely, and although we do go on a date every few months, even that's not really romantic and feels a bit forced. Neither of us have a particularly high sex drive so not massively bothered about the lack of that side of things, but I would very much like our relationships to be more loving, and to feel like I'm actually cherished and loved rather than a mate.

My question is, how normal is my situation? Should I just be grateful for what I have and get over the 'romantic view' of what a marriage should be. He is a good man and I don't want to break up my kids happy home. Or is there more to life and I'm missing out on something by staying?

I have discussed this with him a couple of times, and he makes a bit of an effort for a while, but it's just not in his nature so he falls back to normal soon after. I have half arsed suggested counselling but not to any serious level, and we couldn't afford it at the moment anyway.

Thoughts?

What was he like before you got married? Is this something that has happened over time or was he always like this? I cannot imagine him being unromantic and you thinking wow this man is amazing I am so in love with him, because you crave romantic gestures and there is nothing wrong with that. Was he always hands off, no little touches as he walked past you? No stroke of the arm or kiss on the back of your head?

I am going to ping you @BearKey because MN can move fast in terms of responses. What is his parents' relationship like? What about yours?

Or is there more to life and I'm missing out on something by staying?

If missing out means a new romantic partner, don't count on that. The chances of meeting Mr Wonderful who would be a great step dad, reliable, loving etc is extremely small. Sounds very pessimistic but if you read the stats 2nd marriages have much higher failure rates than first.

However is there more to life than how you feel now - probadly. It's likely that you are both in a rut, caused by parenting, working and general life stuff. Do you plan any adventures together? Even if some years away? Do you have your own aspirations?

A couple I know found the primary school years the worse but as their children became late teens it reinvigorated their marriage. They had more time & money and their relationship blossomed again.

Have you read Esther Perel's books or watched her videos/podcasts?

I think there are several versions of long term relationships that feel lacking ,no one answer and people vary in their response .
You use the word "unloving" in your subject title .That's a big way to feel ,a lot to miss .
Should I just be grateful for what I have and get over the 'romantic view' of what a marriage should be
Personally I don't think wanting intimacy and a sense of connection is romantic.
I do think things are a question of balance ,you may cope with those "lacks" if there are other compensatory factors .But if those dwindle the danger is growing resentment directed at your DH.

I don't particularly believe in 'love languages,' but some men aren't as demonstratively romantic as women are. If he knows how to do it enough to make an effort for a short time then he should keep it up, though.

OP this time last year I was trying to decide whether or not to leave a loveless marriage. We'd been together 21 years and it had fizzled out, he didn't seem to care for me anymore. Feeling was mutual to be honest.

We are now separated, each living with our parents and sharing DD and my life is a mess. I very quickly (stupidly) got involved with a man with whom I shared an amazing chemistry with. He truly made me feel alive and I thought all was well until he ended it recently after 6 months.

I am absolutely devastated and the person that's been there for me is my ex husband! He's been a constant source of support and checks to see how I am daily. I now realise that he does and always did love and care for me.

My advice would be to think very carefully, if I could turn back time I would not have left our marriage.

Could you not reunite whynow ?

This has crossed my mind many times, but I think I would be going back for safety and comfort. Plus I don't think he could ever forgive me for moving on so soon after we split 😞.

whynow I now realise that he does and always did love and care for me
that's quite a game changing realisation .You've been apart for such a short time it's almost like a temporary blip in your marriage,and you got together with someone else after you'd separated .

For him to be checking in with you sounds as though as he wants to be in touch with you . Perhaps you could discuss the idea of getting back together ? Safety and comfort are part of a relationship after all .

Or are your feelings towards him not warm enough ?