Advice on work relationship please!

[g3nuine]

Hi Everyone,

So I hope someone can give me some guidance & advice here. I am very fond of a co-worker...we have great chemistry together....like really strong & can talk for hours about anything. We make each other laugh a lot & are very good company!

I am male & currently single BTW & was not even looking for a relationship at all as quite happy & content being single (until she came into my life that is!).

She says she has an other half who does not live with her but never talks about him except she once told me what he does for a living (different industry on way less money than both of us make). I get the impression that things are not great on that front for her as she comes in to work in a very downbeat mood some days (which makes me very sad to see I just want to hug her & make her feel better). I manage to cheer her up though when our schedules align and we can spend some quality time at work together.

We are both childless & do not want any either so no children involved.

Now the thing is for many months we keep chatting a lot & the chemistry is really strong most of the time. She is also very friendly towards me & concerned when I am feeling down (high stress job so lots of feeling down moments for both of us) we both support each other when things are bad at work by talking a lot to cheer each other up. There is a constant mutual attraction & at times she pulls herself back from getting closer to me & I do the same with her when I would really like to come way closer into her personal space for obvious reasons .....!.

She knows exactly how I feel about her as I have told her several times & she thanks me for my kind compliments & laughs but I understand she is also respecting her current relationship although I can read between the lines by some things she says it seems like the relationship is troubling her & she prefers to spend time on her own than with her other half...something is troubling her deeply but she just does not want to say...I do not want to pry & put her under any pressure.

Now I think I should just continue to be a good friend & see how it naturally develops & be the best version of me to show her I am worth her time & attention. I will not do anything intentionally to affect that as I really value her friendship & our little chats she is such a lovely person to talk to & so nice towards me.

The heartache is that I think we are meant to be together & my intentions are very genuine & I would like to put a ring on her finger & eventually get married as we seem so compatible in many different ways!

I would really appreciate some women's advice & perspective on this please.

How do I move forwards without putting any pressure or upsetting her & forcing her to choose between the 2 of us ?

I just want us to be together romantically & be happy is that too much to ask?!

You've told her how you feel and she hasn't reciprocated. Unfortunately I think you have your answer.

There's no kids involved.

She earns WAY more money than her partner.

Sounds like she isn't trapped in any way at all. If she's with him it's because she wants to be.

And I think you may be clutching at straws here.

Would you really want to be with someone who behaves like this with a colleague behind her long term partner’s back?

They don’t have kids, aren’t married, don’t live together. If she’s so unhappy with him she’ll leave him. If she wants to be with you she’ll dump him and ask you out. Neither of those has happened so get some self respect and stop embarrassing yourself by declaring your feelings to someone who’s just playing with you.

We are going out together in the new year though after work for a drink though...why would she agree to this if what you say is true?!

I read it as I am being considered as a replacement is that a fair assumption ?!

If I am clutching at straws here why is she still so friendly towards me though for so many months & the chemistry is still very strong?

Surely she would have friend zoned me by now?! We are even going out for drinks after work! Why would she agree to that if she had no interest?!

I think you're her plan b

For your own peace of mind, put your cards on the table, listen to what she tells you then you take it from there. No point torturing yourself with everything she says or does or doesn't do or say.

you’ve told her how you feel, if she wants anything to happen she knows it’s there and she can say. Leave it at that. If you keep bringing it up you will look pushy, she may just need time to figure out what if anything she wants to do.

Jesus. You want to ‘put a ring on her finger’ when you hardly know her? How someone is at work isn’t necessarily how they are the rest of the time.
But also, she isn’t trapped, but she is bordering on an emotional affair with you?

Advice- back off and let her finish things with her boyfriend and make a move toward you if that is what she wants

I hate to say this but its possible that she sees the after work drinks as just that - after work drinks with a colleague/friend. You imply that she doesn't often mention her partner and that you feel things aren't going well. Maybe she doesn't mention her partner because it's awkward for her when she knows how you feel about her? Maybe she finds it easier to keep things on neutral topics rather than her relationship and tries to avoid discussing the relationship.
You also mention the fact she hasn't friend zoned you - she has. There is currently no romantic connection between you other than the chemistry you feel. She has not implied she feels the same. I have plenty of colleagues who I am friends with and share lots of aspects of my life with during chats at work etc. But we are colleagues/friends, those chats and friendship dont assume a romantic connection.

I second plan b.. Op.. A great saying I heard was "if they wanted to be with you, they would" case closed

Sorry, not a woman’s advice (ie I’m not a woman), but you want to put a ring on her finger?? You hardly know her!

Bro, you are infatuated. It’s okay, we all get infatuated from time to time. It’s a work thing. It happens. Bottom line is- go find your own girlfriend, don’t get embroiled in love triangles. If and when she becomes single, then you can see what is the what.

Being friendly, laughing and deflecting when you tell her how you feel and going for after work drink IS being friend-zoned! So far your proof she's into you too is the fact she's friendly, chatty and treats you like a good work friend who she enjoys talking to. You are assuming that she feels the 'chemistry' and 'mutual attraction too.

You are creating a narrative of her being unhappy in her relationship in your own head based on impressions, a presumed mutual attraction and reading between the lines. Nowhere does she seem to have confirmed any of this - you just desperately want it too be true.

You are only being her friend in order to try and get into a relationship with her - which has rather Mr Nice Guy vibes. How are you going to react if this drink is because she wants to tell you privately outside work to back off, or she's engaged, or has split with partner but not to read anything into that.

Please be careful assuming what you so desperately want is also what she wants. I see no indication of that. Just a close friendship at work to pass the time.

I think deep down you know the answer but are clinging to things . She has no children with her partner , she is not financially dependant on him , she knows you have feelings for her - so she has no reason to stay with him and not be with you .

You say she has to pull herself back from you - is this the case or is she pulling back because she doesn’t want to? If she doesn’t talk much about her partner is that because she doesn’t want to hurt you as she knows you have feelings for her ? Are the drinks a ‘date’ or is she being nice and wanting to keep you as a friend ? Sometimes people do click , but it doesn’t mean it’s romantically.

You sound very taken by her - but this may not be the case for her , you have told her how you feel and she did not reciprocate. Is it that she’s “ forbidden” is that making it more attractive to you ? The idea of two people desperately wanting to be together but can’t ?

If I’m wrong - I will say this : stay away until she is single . Infidelity destroys people . It could all work out for you and you get the girl and sail off into the sunset but you then leave an innocent man to deal with the repercussions. He will be destroyed. It will affect him long after you two are off on your happy new life together. It will destroy his self worth and leave him unable to trust and affect his relationships in the future and it’s downright cruel.

My dad left my mom for another woman 14 years ago. He cheated on her - claimed nothing sexual but who knows . He and the woman have long since broken up yet my mom is still affected . It has affected every single one of her relationships since . Her most recent partner cheated on her - well , we think he did and he was with someone else straight after and they had a few split ups during the relationship where he was with other women after and we’re sure he cheated . She went back again and again because her self respect was destroyed. She probably, partly drove him to seeking something elsewhere because she was obsessive about him cheating , always looking for it because she expected it and drove him mad with accusations constantly. Her trust was destroyed by my dad and all these years later she still hasn’t found happiness and I 100% believe my dad leaving her for another woman is the cause of all this. Every relationship has ended due to her being unable to trust , others haven’t cheated but she’s destroyed the relationship with accusations and a constant search for proof of infidelity because she cannot trust anyone .

This woman will be on MN in a few weeks posting about how her “work bestie” is giving her weird vibes and tried to kiss her at an after work drinks. Queue people saying that men and women can be friends. In my opinion, this is the sort of thing going on in the heads of 80% of the men women believe to be their “best friends” 😂

To the OP, kindly, you are being weird and an after work drinks is not an indicator that your feelings are reciprocated. If you’ve already told her how you feel (already overstepping professional boundaries imo) and she’s not done anything then there is your answer.

Please don’t try anything on with her lest you lose your job for sexual harassment.

Why do you not start dating women?
Perhaps her low income bf is enough, and who knows what is going on behind the scene between them.
Keep it as a work friendship.

Don't be the best version of yourself. Just be you. Don't try to put a face on your true self because eventually the mask will need to slip. This applies to any relationship.

Next point - reading between the lines is simply you trying to write the narrative you want. Stop doing it. You told her how you feel and she's not interested.

She's a friendly chatty person, no doubt she's like this with everyone. It sounds like you are lonely and have latched onto her. Please listen to her, back off and find someone free to be with you