Ready to split but what can I do to protect the kids?

[alphasox]

As title really. I lay in bed cuddling my gorgeous DC (5) this evening and feeling so bad I’m about to rip their world apart. They already have bad separation anxiety and I can barely leave the
for an afternoon. If we have to share custody my baby will be destroyed. I think DC (11) will be ok but still it’s not great for them. How can I help them through this? Maybe we should tough things out until the youngest is a bit older and can understand? Any experience and wise words would be very helpful.

Children cope better with divorce than you think. It will be more harmful to keep at the marriage if you are unhappy, me and my siblings suffered so much trauma because my parents didn't divorce sooner.

Also you're just postponing the opportunity to meet someone more aligned to your needs

Why are you splitting up?

Generally the younger children are the easier they adjust and on paper I’d be more worried about an 11 year old as that can be a tricky age. But I can hear your anguish and can only offer sympathy.

I have no words of wisdom OP, but I can offer solidarity as I'm in exactly the same position. I'm reminding myself that it's more important they have two happy, separate, parents, than unhappy married parents. I want to model a better example of what they should expect from a relationship, and what they shouldn't put up with.
It doesn't make it any easier, and I agree - the prospect of shattering their worlds in the near future is gut-wrenchingly awful. Sending positive vibes to you.

I agree with PP in many ways the younger the better. Not always of course. But children are more flexible and less rigid in their world views.

It sounds as though 50/50 might not work for your youngest. However, if that is what their dad proposes you can only suggest that this is something you build up to over the course of the year. As it wouldn't work for DS on day one.

It's a hard balance as generally it's often excessive amounts of handover and switch over that make things hard as generally it's the transitions that cause the kids stress as everyone gets used to them. So the less transitions the better. So generally longer chunks of time work better then lots of short ones. So you will to monitor that closely.

In some ways working on this and the separation anxiety gently needs to happen. Or you do face a very difficult time rebuilding your life if you are never able to have anyone else look after Ds.

Children are also incredibly perception and I'd wager a guess that he is partly anxious as he is subconsciously aware you are very sad.

It's only a big deal if you make if one.

'Your dad and I are going to get a house each.we decided that we argue too much together so it's just a better idea. So you'll have two bedrooms, and two gardens so wont that be fun! You can stay eith me some nights and dad the next qnd get that cat we've always wanted!'

Job's a good'un.

Also, best to go before your older kid has exams!