Been seeing a man for 9 months (both mid-40s) When he initially approached me it was with the intention of building a long term relationship. I had made it clear that I was looking for a longterm relationship or marriage and he had agreed and said this was what he was looking for too. Because of this, emotional connection took quite a high priority in the getting to know each other phase (before we had sex) and we confided a lot in each other about our lives and spent a long time, in person, talking. For eg we used to meet up for lunches and dinners and spent 3 hours talking and then go home. I talked a lot about a past abusive relationship, my struggles with drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism, my insecurities about finding someone who would love me, feeling fundamentally unlovable, going to a therapist. They were equal conversations, in that they weren't all about me. I thought at the time he was saying equally open things about himself and maybe they were open but I am not him so I don't know what revelations he would consider were very open or not. The whole approach was quite friendship-building and felt comfortable and connected. We had sex within three months. While it was great, he did not seem to want to have it that often. He preferred spending time with me, holding hands, kissing, stroking, lying in each other's arms etc, than actually proper PIV shagging, which I found confusing (although we did have sex about once a week.)
Anyway, the last month he has been distant due to some family issues with his parents which are not entirely clear to me. One minute he will say he does not want to bore me with them, the next he'll allude to events happening like illness (eg his mother is in the hospital) and he has temporarily relocated to where he grew up to deal with these issues. He has been back about 5 times to the area where we both live in the last month, three for work, and has only seen me 1 of those times. He has been in touch via text every other day asking how I am, or checking how things are going. We have spoken on the phone about 7 times this month 😒which is really not very much compared to before.
I asked him about it on the phone today and we had a conversation that I just can't understand. He said that I have a lot more freedom than him at the moment and he can't get away as much as I can to spend time with me right now. That this month I have given him the feeling that he is constantly letting me down and he hates feeling like that, and until he can move back to our area, he can't give me what I am looking for. I said that I was happy to press pause on things and see what happens in a few months and he said no, he did not want to "press pause," he wants things to keep going, and he would do his part in managing my expectations better around seeing me and speaking to me and "not be so ambiguous."
I don't know if this is a brush off or not, or he's doing some kind of soft phase out. I took the conversation back to the topic several times and gave him several get outs (like above) but he did not take them. He mentioned us going on holiday together in February which I took as a positive.
As we were closing out the call we were talking about our new years resolutions. He told me that he felt it would really benefit me next year if I drank less or stopped drinking. That I should "take it from him" that burying my head in the sand with work, stress and coping mechanisms like drink, were much worse in the long run. I felt really judged by this, as this was something I actively confided in him about at the beginning of the relationship on his instigation and request for me to be open and lay my cards on the table. My problems with drinking were a topic of frequent discussion between us, and this felt like he was stepping outside of the safety of the relationship to "advise" me like a stranger. I don't know if I'm describing it properly or if there is a name for it, but it's like someone close to you taking something you've spoken warmly and confidingly about many times before and talking to you about it one day as if it's the first time, or an observation or a judgement.
When I said I felt quite judged, he said he was sorry but he meant it well, he was "telling me as a FRIEND, that stopping drinking would be a good new year's resolution to have." I was really shocked by the friend remark. I said I didn't know we were friends! He said "you know what I mean, I was just trying to explain the reason I said what I said."
In the past I have had a habit of being quite duped in relationships. For eg, I can't see an obvious brush off, or an obvious player or typical "line" or future faking. I always look on the bright side and I over-empathize and attribute people with positive intentions.
I know the question is what do I want? I don't mind the sex being steady and infrequent, as long as the emotional intimacy is as it was.
What would you take away from this situation?