Let down again, dating over 40 is soul destroying!

[MarthaBlue]

The guy I've been seeing for the past month or so just cancelled on me for tonight, very last minute. I've not seen him since the 18th of December now and I am thinking that is probably it. I'm early 40's and dating has been awful, soul destroying really.

I dated a guy from 1.5 years a couple of years ago and then he ghosted me. I had really thought we might make a go of it. Heard later he was on the dating apps within the week looking for someone younger as he now wants kids.

I do get younger men interested in sleeping with me but I've had quite a few friends go down that road and none excepting those who they had kids with stuck around. I do get the feeling that 99% of the time they think you will be desperate and grateful and thats just not a dynamic I want.

I'm also not keen on older men and really would prefer someone my age give or take a few years but I just feel like even if men my age fancy me, and are up for seeing me they are still keeping their options open for someone younger, thinner, prettier, more fertile and as soon as one such woman bites they put you on the back burner even if you have been dating for months. I guess I suspect that is what has happened to my current guy, had a better offer!

I know I need to just keep plugging away but its so hard, these men say all the right things, act the right way but its just for show to keep you on the go while they hope for someone better. Its depressing, I'd pack it in but I don't want to be single anymore I've been doing that for so long and now I just want a partner.

My friend has invited me round last minute, she is in the same boat as me so at least misery will have company!

probably it?

that would be IT for me

unless he is dying in hospital

better alone than in bad company - if you accept him after this - he will take you for granted even more

what was the reason for him cancelling?

hope you are fun with your friend, why not go out and flirt all night long?

Yes maybe head out with your friend and have some fun.

I'm sorry single men are so shit so often x

That's rubbish cancelling on you last minute, I wouldn't give another chance either unless it was an emergency.
I'm same sort of age as you, not come across any that wanted children but they do seem very fickle. Perhaps you could go out for the evening you might meet someone!

You don't fancy men of your age. Fair enough. Men of your age don't fancy women of the same age. Fair too.

@taxpayer1 Sorry? I clearly say I want men my age, why not try reading instead of jumping to conclusions 🙄

Reading comprehension not your strong point is it?. OP clearly says she wants someone her own age.

Yeah I think that is it his reason for cancelling is he's just not feeling like it tonight and he was vague about any future plans saying we'd catch up "in the new year some time" obviously not dying to see me.

@ MarthaBlue -
I dated a few chaps in my forties. The conclusion I came to is that you have to be very sure what you are looking for, and what they are looking for. Anyone who’s “separated” is off the list - they need to be divorced. If they’ve never been married, that’s a red flag - no-one wants a forty something mummy’s boy. You will for sure have to kiss a few frogs - I certainly did - but I have been with my chap since 2003 and we have been happily married for over ten years. You need to be realistic - you’re not perfect and nor will they be. If they already have children, in all probability they won’t want more. Be honest about what you want - there are more than a few blokes out there who are looking for a mistress, so make it clear you are looking for a long term relationship. Don’t be worried about scaring them off - if that’s not what they want, they’re not for you. If you feel some chap is looking over his shoulder for something better, cut your losses. There are men out there who are divorced and are looking for love second time around who have the sense to know that a younger partner may well bring her own problems. It’s soul destroying when you hope a relationship will work and it fizzles out - believe me, I shed more than a few tears - but all I can offer is hope: there will be someone out there for you and it may take time to find him, but tomorrow is the start of a whole new year, and I hope it will be a good one for you.

@Aposterhasnoname I'm getting manosphere interloper vibes off that one! To be fair I am not attracted to men like that 🤮

Obviously delete his number, he's not into you and is also very rude cancelling at the last minute. Don't go out with him if he calls in the new year sometime, that's not good enough! Better be on your own and open to someone nicer or going out with friends than with someone who just can't be bothered and sees you as some type of back up option. Don't get too disheartened, but do ditch out at the first sign of trouble (like this), the signs are often there.

I don't bother with it now.

Whenever I have used dating apps, I was pestered by younger men wanting sex, which I'm not interested in because I want a relationship and not a quick shag. They also say they want relationships, but then they decide they want kids, and you're cast aside and abandoned. It's crushing.

I thought I'd finally found someone around September last year, my own age and not interested in having kids. Turns out he was addicted to heroin and cocaine, and because he was high functioning, he hid it for a bit until he couldn't anymore. He also drank too much. I was prepared to help him get clean because I believe many people using drugs are suffering trauma (and he genuinely was, I'm not at all surprised he was an addict), but then one night he'd taken a cocktail of drugs and became extremely violent, threatened to burn my dog, and he stood over me with a machete, threatening to kill my dog, and then me.

I'm not going into any more detail because it's upsetting, but after it was over, I needed to make sure I was safe. I did a Clare's Law request, and although I'm not allowed to say what he's been in trouble for, I can say that he should be behind bars for a long time. I'm lucky to be alive. I cannot fathom why he's still free.

I was also told that if I wanted to press charges for what he did to me, that it would take a long time to handle because the police just don't have enough officers, and I'd likely be put at risk as a result.

I refuse to be a sexual fetish for younger men. All I want is a lasting relationship with a genuinely kind man who isn't into being wankered all the time, and actually has time for me.

I don't think I'll ever find that. I'm mid forties and I get that I'm not the young doll that men my own age want now.

It's NYE and it's just me and my beautiful dog. I'm going to take him for an evening walk shortly, and probably have to resign myself to being alone for whatever I've got left of my life. Got myself all upset now. It's quite pathetic.

dolor I'm so sorry that happened to you and the police response was horrendous. Have you had any support or counselling for that?

Nope. Nothing whatsoever. I'm not allowed to tell my relatives any details about the Clare's Law thing either, they don't even know what he did to me. I just told them I called it off because he seemed to have a nasty temper, and I wasn't having that.

It's very surreal talking about him here, but not being able to talk to those I want to talk to. I could put so much more here, but I'm not allowed. If I hear that he is involved with someone else, I can't even warn them. I'd have to tell the police first, and they would only step in and warn someone if there was a safeguarding issue - such as the presence of children or another vulnerable dependent.