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Original poster

Brother is moody and terrible with money

21 replies

CorrodedCoffin · 31/12/2022 17:07

My younger brother [25] is just god awful with money. He is currently unemployed, and has a new baby which I understand is an extra expense, but he gets benefits and his girlfriend claims for the baby, and he also doesn’t have to pay rent. Yet they rinse through money like it’s no one’s business, and expect his family to keep lending them more every time they run out.

Just for a bit of background, in our immediate family there is only really me and my mum (who is currently in hospital), and one older relative. He regularly borrows their bank cards. He only really turns to me for money when they can no longer help him (but he comes to me for every other problem under the Sun). I’ve really tried to avoid lending to him as he never pays me back (currently owes me at least £70) and I regularly try to discuss budgeting with him, but he seems to think their spending is sensible (he will say he’s desperate for money and has nothing to eat and then buy’s 5 cans of energy drink a day from the shop).

Despite all the generosity he’s received from family, he is always so pee’d off at everything. “Life is so unfair, we’re not helping him, we don’t care that he’s struggling” etc. if any of us are unable to lend him money.

Today I get a teary phone call from my mum in hospital, saying she just phoned my brother to see how he was doing and he immediately starts going on about money again. SHE said that he currently has her bank card and he asked her if he could buy a video game (belated Christmas present) with it. She agreed but was upset that he still had her bank card and wanted it back asap, as she didn’t want him spending all her money. I said I’d speak to him, so I dropped him a quick message. I didn’t think it was too confrontational. I just said that our mum was a bit upset and once he’d bought his game could he please return her card. He phones me up immediately ranting and raving about how he’s sick of these accusations that he’s spending people’s money. I said I wasn’t accusing him, this was just what mum had said and if there were crossed wires then he could explain it to me. HIS side of the story was different but not necessarily better. He said he had thanked her for £100 that she had previously given him for a game and then mentioned to her that he still had her bank card and then started moaning at her about how he hasn’t been able to get the game because he had to spend the money on other things like food. I asked why he didn’t just say thank you for the money and leave it at that, as the extra comment sounded like he was being a bit ungrateful (and fishing for more money - I didn’t say that, but I’m certain that’s what he was doing) and then he started yelling that he wasn’t ungrateful and he was hanging up now. I asked why we can’t have a calm adult conversation and he yelled back that he was calm 🙄, and then went on one of his usual tirades about how we’re all treating him terribly and how we’ve ruined his New Year’s Eve.

My gran recently passed away and today would have been her birthday. I don’t expect him to remember but I was feeling the loss a little more today and I think that just tipped me over the edge. To me he really does just seem ungrateful (my bf said he lacks empathy), but I’m just sick to death of hearing him play the victim all the time. We’re all struggling, and he just doesn’t seem to see that. I told him not to ask me for help again and hung up on him.

Not sure if that was the right thing to do but I was crying at that point and had just had enough.
What would you do in this situation? How would you move forward? Have you ever had an angry ungrateful relative sponging off you?

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 19:57

I’d have firm words with your mother and other elderly relative about giving your brother their banks cards. They should never do this. Maybe even support them to change PIns/bank passwords etc to make sure he can’t access their money.

I think you all need to decide together to not give him any money. At the moment it sounds like you’re all, especially your mum, enabling his behaviour by continually giving him money despite him making bad chooses and buying shit with it.

Also don’t let him shout at you. Tell him to get your mums bank card back to her or you will report it as being stolen by him.

PussInBin20 · 31/12/2022 20:35

Just keep saying NO. That is the only way to get the message through. So he was trying to get extra money from your DM. She gave him £100 for the game (WTF!) but he spent it on other things and then still demanded the game.
She is being way too soft.
Did she hear the saying “you have to be cruel to be kind” otherwise he will never stand on his own two feet.
you’re all over invested in him. Time for him to grow up!

BlastedPimples · 01/01/2023 09:49

Never ever give anyone else your bank card! Especially this bloke.

Zanatdy · 01/01/2023 09:53

He’s taking advantage big time. Your mum needs to stop handing over her card

Bedazzled22 · 01/01/2023 09:55

Your mum whilst trying to help is sadly enabling him to be lazy & entitled. No one should ever give their bank card to someone else. Trouble is your mum will find it hard not to help him so you’ll go round in circles… such a difficult situation especially with a baby in the mix..

He needs to get a job asap - doesnt he want one?

BloaterW1 · 01/01/2023 10:00

Just had a baby , no job , no money but wants money from family to buy a game. Sounds like a waste of space.

Bedazzled22 · 01/01/2023 10:00

And actually he should remember your Gran’s birthday and be thinking of your mum at this time. Instead he’s just thinking of her bank card! Such a difficult situation for you no easy answers unless family are prepared to get tough.

HowCanIPayItForward · 01/01/2023 10:05

If everyone stops enabling him maybe he'll make more of an effort to get a job. He sounds, at best, like an overgrown child who needs to learn some lofe lessons.

BCBird · 01/01/2023 10:13

It is difficult when p6ask if they can borrow money. If u have it it seems that many people think u are fair game. Unfortunately he will always be able to use the baby as leverage. Unless he has an illness that prevents him from working,he needs to get off his butt and get a job. Why should others pay for him and his child? Bank cards should never be given to others. I think ur relatives will not have a leg to stand on if he decides to spend large amounts of cash. Good luck. My thoughts are with u re anniversary of your gran passing away.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 01/01/2023 10:37

I know money is tight at the minute cost of living etc but I remember when I was a first time mum was short of money but I budgeted and managed . I would in no way borrow someone’s card to buy a computer game or buy 5 energy drinks these are not essentials . I remember even if I got birthday money it was spent on the baby or things for the house .
your brother is self centred and you are all enabling him by all means if he needs help and support but computer games and energy drinks are things he can’t afford and unfair or not it’s tough he needs to get used to it .

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 10:54

Report your dm's card lost. Stop him spending..

Dery · 01/01/2023 11:57

His priorities are completely wrong. It’s hard for your mum but by continuing to give him money she’s enabling him and indeed preventing him from growing up. He’s a father now so this isn’t just about him. He needs to grow up, get a job (there are loads around so no reason for him not to be working) and start learning about earning and managing money.

thecatsarecrazy · 01/01/2023 12:07

Does she have Internet banking on her phone? I bank with barclays and can pause my card if I mislay it, then un pause rather than stopping it completely. I would do that if possible. He's taking the piss and needs to grow up

unclebuck · 01/01/2023 12:43

Your brother is financially abusing your mum. He's not 'moody' he's an abuser.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2023 12:47

He said he had thanked her for £100 that she had previously given him for a game and then mentioned to her that he still had her bank card and then started moaning at her about how he hasn’t been able to get the game because he had to spend the money on other things like food

Why did he think this was your mum’s problem to solve?!

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 14:01

What would you do in this situation? How would you move forward? Have you ever had an angry ungrateful relative sponging off you?

Yes, I've endured sponging relatives, so experience tells me I would not have entered into this messaging/phoning nonsense. I'd have driven to DB's house, taken DM's card off him, told him if he EVER used relative's cards again - with or without their permission - that I'd be reporting to the bank concerned, for fraudulent usage.

I'd then have stern words with DM & any other relative about 'loaning' bank cards, giving them the same message - it is illegal, they are opening themselves up to financial abuse, & that their banks will take a VERY dim view of this activity.

Any pushback, & I'd point out that DB can get a job, is lucky not to have to pay rent, & needs to grow the fuck up.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/01/2023 14:03

Stay out of it. Stop giving money away. Let all the adults face the consequences of their choices.

jetadore · 01/01/2023 14:13

There must be a typo in the op. The brother is actually 15, not 25, right?

SaintLoy · 01/01/2023 14:19

If he has the mother's bank card, how does he use it without the PIN? If mother has given him this she has broken the bank's terms and conditions and could have the card cancelled/withdrawn without notice, and possibly her account frozen.

Bananalanacake · 01/01/2023 15:34

Does he have a good reason for not working, is he actually looking for a job. If he is healthy he shouldn't be getting benefits.

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/01/2023 16:47

Your mum really needs to stop giving him her bank card.

And tell your brother NO. If he gets angry or abusive, tell him to fuck off. What is he going to do? Tell him if he takes your mum's card again, you will report it as stolen and inform the police. If he's threatening or coercing your mum into handing the card over, that's abuse and also illegal.

He's an adult. He can get a job. How has a grown ass man been allowed to get away with this kind of shit? I really despair at these work-shy men that we taxpayers are having to support.

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