A woman’s job to make things special?

[Loopylooloop]

Sorry this is long! It’s also a very minor 1st world problem but something I am just musing on and wondered if others have experienced the same?

Not sure I am going to be able to express this clearly but it’s a minor thing in my relationship that irritates me. The assumption that women have the ability to think of what will make the magical moments in life.

My DH is generally a good partner. We shared child care and have an organised division of housework. The childcare has never been a problem but the housework has been a struggle. Without being really clear about expectations he would happily leave the housework to me. However he does his share (with reminders). This is annoying but at least he does it.

At the risk of stereotyping men I find it interesting that DH would be happy to let things slide unless reminded. This to me suggests entitlement. I would never be like this and am keen to play my part. I wonder if that’s just me as a person or if women are generally just more responsible?

Anyway all this boring waffle is to try and set the scene for a different point. DH enjoys family time which I appreciate. We enjoy celebrating birthdays, Christmas and other days. After events, day trips or family get togethers DH will make comments about ways to make things nicer. For example particular food that it would have been good to have, games we could have played or places we could go next time. If I say yes go for it he never does.

To be clear I am not saying he doesn’t help. If we have people round he will cook, clean and play his part. I often take the lead but he actively supports things. He just makes hindsight comments that imply to me that I should intuitively know how to make things extra special in his eyes. If I said well why don’t you go ahead and do it that way he just won’t. I think there is something within him just thinks it’s a woman’s job to bring the “magic” or think of ways to make things special. Or that I should be so impressed with his ideas that I would want to follow up and put those plans in place. Like I am a employee actioning feedback. Personally I think I do lots to bring happiness into my children’s lives but obviously will do things in my own way. I also just find it baffling why if you wanted to do something a certain way or wanted to go somewhere why you wouldn’t just do it! I wouldn’t not do something because I wanted someone else to do it for me? It seems very childlike.

@Atethehalloweenchocs how annoying, I don’t understand how people can be so oblivious!

Say to him - with a very hard stare - "Are you trying to give me feedback on how today went so that I can do better next time? If so, kindly stop!"

Show your annoyance otherwise this will never end!

Sounds like he’s a ‘lazy fixer’ full of ideas but can to action them.

I thought it was going to be a description of how my DH is; he’ll put the heating on if first home, maybe empty the dishwasher and pick up post, whereas I’ll light the fire or candles and put side lights on, start prepping supper etc.
DH doesn’t notice candles, sidelights or think of supper.

Yes @Arrivederla yes I guess next time I need to get angry. I usually just say “yes great idea you do that” but it’s clearly not working!

That’s why I think you need to address it head on. Push the ball back into his court every single time.

Good response from @Arrivederla

Yes - you, me and women the world over!

Tiktok right now is full of women exhausted and resentful from having to have organised all the “christmas magic”.

its very depressing.

Tbh I really think women do this to themselves for the most part. As long as women continue to play the wifework/martyrdom game it will continue to be this way.

I don’t ever do anything I don’t actively want to do, and I never take on more responsibility than anyone else will commit to in equal measure. Hence I’m never exhausted/resentful. I absolutely will not take on a servile/facilitator role for everyone else’s benefit and to my own detriment.

When my ex-husband used to do this, it was thinly veiled criticism of me/what I'd organised. He didn't come right out and tell me how crap he thought I'd been, but instead passive aggressively suggested 'alternatives' or 'improvements'. Fuck that. Hence he's an ex 🤣

Last year I realised my husband was similar to how yours was. I had enough. I started going out to the gym in the evenings so he had to pull his weight, only to find him and our two sons were relying heavily on our teenage daughter. Thankfully she’s wise to men and didn’t support their sexist behaviour so she outright refused after the second time of them expecting her to take the reins. I now take her to the gym with me.

I stopped doing laundry, stopped picking their dirty pants and socks off the floor, stopped tidying up, stopped cooking and cleaning. It was so difficult as I had to really lower my standards. Funny how quickly they all stepped up and pulled their weight.
Going into a happier 2023 that’s for sure.

@TangledWebofMincemeatDeception yes I agree a lot of women are martyrs. I have always been clear that I won’t do “wife work “. He is generally good with this and would never expect me to do things like organising birthday cards for his family. It’s just depressing that even “good” men fall into this entitlement trap. Like lamenting that we haven’t seen certain friends for ages but not taking steps to organise seeing them. I think he thinks that all women live to pay special attention to what others want!

I shouldn’t moan too much as it means we see annoying in-laws less as I leave this to him to organise!

I agree, I love Xmas, birthdays, family events, etc. As a general rule I take the lead, he just helps and mucks in to do what I need him to do. Occasionally he opts out and doesn't participate.
Dp on the other hand takes the lead in renovations, furnishings, etc.
People just have different expectations. I do agree with the mental load, and housework complaints are an overplayed hand especially if he/she isn't doing it to our 'Own' expectations.

@Loopylooloop luckily my very decent husband is completely missing that chip. Probably because he’s from a family of all boys whose mother wasn’t very maternal and certainly didn’t go out of her way to mollycoddle them. He’s been cooking, cleaning and doing his own ironing since he was a young man and would never, ever expect me to pick up any slack anywhere.

TBF though, I am very much in charge of hygge/cosiness/making things lovely. But that’s because I’ve given myself that responsibility, and the important distinction is that my DH would never ever think to imply that I should be doing more, nor would he presume to offer me ‘feedback’ on it!

It’s things like, “why don’t we have go to x,y,z” or I remember when my mum used to do “x,y,z.” I always say yes great go for it. However it’s becoming clear that it’s more of a feedback suggestion for me to action!!! Just wondering if others experience this?

I do experience this, but my response is completely different. I view my DH’s suggestions for the future as something we can arrange together. So I will usually say, great idea let’s do that, or no think it’s an awful idea, don’t want to do that. I’ve given a thumbs up to a suggestion of his, we will make a note (mental or otherwise) and roll it in next time we do something.

I often take the lead but he actively supports things.
I also tend to be the planner for days out and holidays, and obviously the goal is to plan not just what makes me happy, but everyone in the family. My DH also actively supports me as well, say in booking and ordering things.

I actually think such suggestions are helpful? I don’t view it as “employee feedback for me to action”…I think it would be worse to have zero suggestions and then sulking or complaining from DH and DC for things that I’ve put effort into. Likewise, if I’m going to put the effort in, I don’t want it to be for nothing!

I don’t know your DH, but if I responded to my DH’s suggestions with “go for it” or “why don’t you do it” like you are doing with your DH, my DH would interpret this as a passive aggressive way of saying “that’s a terrible idea, I’m not going to do it or support it, if you want it, you’re doing it alone”

So, I think perhaps the suggestion that you talk to him honestly and openly would help both of you. The way he is making suggestions is obviously irritating you, perhaps if he explained why he does this, what he is expecting from you- then you might not be so irritated? Similarly, perhaps he’s wording things in a tone deaf fashion- using a teacher or manager voice so that’s why you feel like his lackey. All this can be talked through and he can modify how he makes these comments.

@Onnabugeisha ha ha that hit a nerve! He is a teacher!!! We have had a row about tone before. He often sounds cross when he isn’t which I am over sensitive to!

Lol, it’s him using the teacher voice isn’t it?
Does he even know when he’s doing it?

I don't know the age of your DC, but would the glare of publicity help? as in "Daddy's had this great idea!" with the clear subtext that Daddy is therefore going to implement this stroke of genius, referring all enquiries about implementation his way.
It starts young; I've had to be firm with juvenile "ideas men" until their classmates rumble them.....

Yes, I know what you mean. Is it worth talking about how sometimes things are special enough and become a bit much when you do even more to make them extra mega special?

I find Christmas quite stressful (for dull reasons that I won’t go into here) so my husband does the bulk of the food planning and present organising. When I decide to make things more special, I sometimes tread on his toes.

Excellent points and thoughtful argument.