Any advice on dealing with FOG ? Please

[chosenone]

I’ve just come off the phone to DM and I’m in tears again. Long back story I’ve posted about previously but I’m low contact with both parents and sibling (golden child). They can be lovely, make an effort with Xmas presents etc. But as they live a strange lifestyle, house a hovel, money spent on drink, DM increasingly immobile so sits and eats and smokes. A lot of resentment around others who can still do things.

Today I knew she had ring to have a bitch, I presume because it’s NYE. I told our plans, going out, have a new dress etc. DM started on my weight and how I am overweight (I am, I’m a size 14/16… she’s a size 24) and making digs about it. I bit and defended myself and said I’d passed a health check at the GP’s recently. She took this as a dig as she has high BP/diabetes etc. she ramps up the moans and so I make excuses and hang up. I’m wondering whether it’s FOG keeping me even talking to her and putting up with her and DF who can be as bad.

I’ve had to process a lot of shit from younger days, I know I resent them for always having money for addictions whilst me and DB went with out. I have issues with keeping my house spotless after growing up in theirs.

I don’t know why I let them get to me. 🤷‍♀️

If you know your DM is calling just to be unpleasant then you have the choice not to answer the call or cut it short when she gets nasty. Sadly you know where you stand with your DPs and they're not suddenly magically going to be the kind, decent parents you've always wanted. FOG is a very difficult thing but as an adult you can recognise it and make a different choice. I'm sorry your childhood was hard, it leaves people with such a need for their parent's love. Maybe for 2023 you need to think about you and just let them alone

Thank you.
My DH has said the same. He has had counselling for issues in his childhood and feels I need to focus on our immediate family and my friends, some of which are like family.
I feel sorry for them and the situation they’re in but as Social Care told me they are grown adults who make their own choices.

One small thought to hopefully give you some comfort @chosenone - you've chosen wisefully in your DH- he has childhood traumas of his own but has sought help, and can now see your family quite clearly and wants to help you get over your past. You've both made the effort to change for the better. Your DP's haven't tried to change, they're just sitting there in the ruins of their own self destruction- they feel bad bad about themselves so take it out on you.
You and your DH should be proud, you're not passing on problems to the next generation, you've pulled yourselves up to be better people. Hard as it is, leave your family alone and enjoy your lovely DH

🥲@Daleksatemyshed
Thank you. What lovely words. Happy New Year

It’s easy to take everything to heart but the way out is learning to recognise and feel your anger - so rather internalising it and going inwards into that upset/guilty place, learn to feel your anger so that you can use it to establish boundaries. It might be buried under the guilt/fear though, so it takes some work to practice sitting with your feelings - letting yourself feel the guilt/fear but recognise that they’re feelings from the past and don’t need to dictate your actions now.

Likely it was scary and you quickly learned you weren’t allowed to express anger when you were little? So it’s really a journey to learn how to feel it bit by bit so you can get better at recognising it and acting to keep yourself safe in the moment it arises.

You might find yourself telling your mum things because you’re still looking for some approval/validation/love etc from her, but she’s clearly not capable of giving that to you so you come away disappointed.

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker is a good book.

And a happy New Year to you too @chosenone . Always a good time for a fresh start I think 😀

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink thank you, that makes sense, something I’m going to work on.

@chosenone what popped out from write's post is

"You might find yourself telling your mum things because you’re still looking for some approval/validation/love etc from her, but she’s clearly not capable of giving that to you so you come away disappointed."

Write down what she adds to your life in a positive way, then do one for the negative, ie you despair at their spending money on drink, they live in a hovel and how it all makes you feel. I am going to guess that the negative list is huge. Writing it down makes it easier to remind yourself why it is a good idea to go low contact which may in fact lead to no contact.

You sound like you have a lovely husband. He clearly thinks you are fantastic. New year, new boundaries and a chance to make your life happier, choose that. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they are the parent you want or need.

Thank you@Treeofglitter