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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

26 replies

JibbaJam · 31/12/2022 14:00

It's been dawning on me the last few weeks that my relationship needs to end. It's just fizzled out for me.

2yrs, not living together, no kids together (I have 1 dc). We see each other socially a few times a week, sometimes less, rarely more.

They're a very lovely, kind person but my feelings have changed. I'd ideally like to stay friends but recognise I'm probably going to hurt them. The difficulty is that we work in the same company (different teams but same office).

They're an extremely good, kind person who deserves better than me stringing them along until I work out if it's my seasonal anxiety / SAD or real actual feelings, so I've realised I need to end it.

Is there a good way to end a relationship? What do I say?

OP posts:

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 14:10

Whatever you say, please do so in a conversation face to face. Not ending by text or email.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2022 14:17

Think about the setting for this conversation to happen. In this scenario, I'd probably suggest you go to their place, presuming they live alone. I wouldn't want to do this in a public place or give the impression it's a date night. And if you're at their place, you can leave straight after (if you don't drive still leave immediately and if waiting for a bus or taxi, do it elsewhere.)

Be prepared that they are going to be upset and that will feel uncomfortable for you. Remain calm and definite - don't try to soften the blow by giving false hope. Keep repeating "I feel..." statements that can't be argued with. "I feel this isn't working for me, we don't have a long term future together" is a good phrase.

Original poster

JibbaJam · 31/12/2022 14:18

Thank you @LlynTegid. I was definitely going to do that, I just have no idea what to say.

I'm so sad it hasn't worked out, and I hate upsetting people and it's making me so anxious about what to say.

OP posts:

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 14:21

JibbaJam · 31/12/2022 14:18

Thank you @LlynTegid. I was definitely going to do that, I just have no idea what to say.

I'm so sad it hasn't worked out, and I hate upsetting people and it's making me so anxious about what to say.

You don’t need to say a lot. I’m fact the more you say the worse it will end up being for him as he will later try and unpick the things that were said.

the only thing he needs to 100% understand is that it’s over.

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 14:23

I think you just need to be honest.
I'm not sure I'd go to their home as a PP suggested, as that taints their living space with a really unhappy memory.
I'd choose somewhere neutral and bland that you can both make a quick exit from if necessary - somewhere neither of you would care much if you never went there again. A quiet Costa coffee shop for example.

Just say that your feelings are changed and you think it's unfair on them to stay together when you are no longer seeing this as a romantic relationship. Tell them you know they are a great person and deserve to be free to meet someone who feels more strongly for them than you do.

Ask them how they'd prefer this t be handled at work - whether or not to tell people, whether to keep your distance from each other etc.

And please give them a chance to ask questions even if you have no clear answers.

Spect8 · 31/12/2022 14:26

He probably knows himself but hasn't mustered up the courage to say it to YOU.

Relief all round is what I suspect. Wishing you well, either way it is not easy. But as others have said, short, direct and with a bit of kindness to acknowledge what you did have at one point maybe.

minticecreamisjustok · 31/12/2022 15:52

If it's not going anywhere by now, he probably feels the same. Just be the one to take the courage and say the relationship is no longer growing or doing anything for you.

WhatIsThisPlease · 31/12/2022 16:18

I've just ended an 8 year relationship and it's been really hard. I went about it all the wrong way trying to spare his feelings.

Don't make the mistakes I have. Be clear and concise. Just tell him you're sorry but it's not working for you any more. Don't let him think it can be fixed if you're absolutely sure it can't.

Original poster

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 11:30

Thanks all for the advice. The trouble is I'm not going to get a chance to see him before we go back to work tomorrow as I have my DS.

Is a phone call better than waiting? We didn't message each other on new year or since, so I suspect he knows as I've been a bit evasive as don't know how to say what I'm thinking.

OP posts:

80s · 02/01/2023 11:50

If you've not contacted each other over NY, it sounds like he's got an idea what's going on or is having the same thoughts himself, so it would be nice to get on with it. Can you not pop round, just for a few minutes? Leave your son in the car, stay on the doorstep? A phone call would feel to me a bit like the other person didn't think I was worth the effort.
Personally I wouldn't want to be given this information in a public place where I'd have to walk/drive/ride home afterwards feeling upset (however meh it might have been getting).

WinterFoxes · 02/01/2023 16:46

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 11:30

Thanks all for the advice. The trouble is I'm not going to get a chance to see him before we go back to work tomorrow as I have my DS.

Is a phone call better than waiting? We didn't message each other on new year or since, so I suspect he knows as I've been a bit evasive as don't know how to say what I'm thinking.

Can't you ask him to come for a coffee or a walk with you after work and just let him know?

ExFiles · 02/01/2023 16:56

I think a text suggesting you need to talk and it won’t take long would give him the heads up that the breakup talk is coming and he can prepare himself.

Original poster

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 17:13

That sounds like a good plan @WinterFoxes and @ExFiles - thank you all.

I can't stop thinking about this so just need to get it done. I think yes a text to see if he can meet me after work tomorrow for a chat will be a heads up then it's not like I've totally avoided it.

Like I said, I feel awful but I know I have to do this and the sooner the better really. I'm so sad about it which is making it worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 18:23

I've sent him a message asking him to meet me after work so we can talk. Thank you all for your help.

OP posts:

Original poster

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 18:27

He wants to talk tonight instead of waiting all day tomorrow. Shit. That means I have to do this over the phone.

OP posts:

swanling · 02/01/2023 18:31

Well yes, you have basically just told him by text that you are planning to end things but expect him to sit and wait with that knowledge until a time that's convenient to you. Of course he doesn't want to be left in limbo all day at work tomorrow worrying.

Original poster

JibbaJam · 02/01/2023 19:29

@swanling I've been asking for advice on here and I took it. I literally didn't have any opportunity to see him face to face until after we both work in the same office all day tomorrow, yet was advised face to face would be better.

What was I supposed to do? Fake that everything's fine all day and during our lunchbreak?

I'm trying to do this in the best way. There isn't a nice way but I'm trying not to hurt him more than I'm probably going to.

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 02/01/2023 19:36

Do it face to face, be honest (it’s not working out for you) and be as kind as possible. If you were in his shoes think how would you like someone o break up with you. Do not give him false hopes that maybe you will change your mind. You care for this person and you want him to move on. Then go no contact and let him mourn the relationship and heal.

Breaking up is always emotionally painful and hard but you can make it much harder for the other person if you act like a jerk or do it in an unkind way.

Alcemeg · 02/01/2023 19:39

I think the only "good" way is to be completely truthful. How and when and where are less important because it's always going to be upsetting, unless they were thinking along the same lines.

If he has asked you to phone him, it's OK to do that. Good luck OP!

taxguru · 02/01/2023 19:46

Face to face (or phone if not possible). Never text.

Full honesty and disclosure, warts n all, no lies or half truths.

Be clear it's end game and no chance of trying again.

If there's someone else, be honest and tell him.

Respect goes a long way - it's the lying, half truths, etc that do the harm.

RoseAndGeranium · 02/01/2023 19:58

I think phone is ok but after 2 years face to face is probably better.
Other than that I think the important thing to do is to make it clear that it’s not that your partner has done anything wrong, and it’s not something about timing. The problem is simply that you have realised you’re not right for each other. That’s the kindest thing a man ever said to me.

swanling · 02/01/2023 20:04

I can only assume you and the one poster who recommended this course of action have never been on the receiving end of someone telling them that vague unspecified bad news is pending but refusing to actually tell them what the bad news is until later. It's cruel.

It's the same as if your doctor contacted you saying they needed to discuss an important matter with you but then made you wait until another day to tell you what the hell it was. You'd be worried sick and full of dread, wouldn't you?

Just because one person online advised a course of action that doesn't mean you have to follow it or that you cease to be responsible for the predictable consequences.

You've done it now so the decent thing would be to have the phone conversation instead of stringing it out further.

Changes17 · 02/01/2023 20:04

I like the advice saying they are a great person and deserve to be free to meet someone else. I think I would try to do it face to face so you’re not seeing them for the first time post breakup at work.

ExFiles · 02/01/2023 20:28

Personally, I’d much rather someone break up with me over the phone than in person so I could lick my wounds in private. I also wouldn’t mind being dumped by text as long as it was a long essay that explained everything and not just ‘you’re dumped’. I think it would be way worse to be blindsided by a dumping without any warning of what’s coming.

As long as he’s given the opportunity to ask questions and satisfy himself as to the reasons so he’s not left guessing what he could have done differently, then that’s all that’s needed and is kindest. The method isn’t as important.

bloodyeffinnora · 02/01/2023 21:29

I think a phone call is fine, especially as he doesnt want to wait for the talk, it would be good to get it over and done with.

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