Two questions about affairs

[krackin23]

How do people who are having an affair manage to keep it secret for so long?

If you've ever been away on an overnight trip with your AP, how does it make you feel?

Never had an affair for a long time....I guess just a few months. I keep it secret by using a different msging app, Telegram requires my fingerprint to open it. Any photo I take is immediately deleted from my gallery and bin. I have friends who provide me with alibis. Location tracking is switched off on my phone. I see my AP generally when I'm sober, so I can't forget being careful. I have sex with DH and try to keep our relationship going. Although one of the reasons that I look elsewhere is because he is grumpy, moody and antisocial. I want fun, spontaneity, excitement.
I'm also ok with the repercussions if they happen. I will manage financially, I have a house to go to, I can live with it if it means the end of my marriage.
I have done one overnight before and it was lovely, really enjoyed it.
Does that help? Do you want an affair or suspect an affair?!

@MumCat2020 why don't you leave your DH

I am in absolute disbelief reading this. You are writing as if you're proud that you are cheating and lying to your husband. If you are unhappy, then leave, don't do something that is so degrading to another human being.

I really hope you don't have children, you sound like a very selfish person & clearly aren't thinking of them & their feelings. I am sorry, but your behaviour is disgraceful & your husband deserves so much more.

This is coming from someone who has been on the other side, my fiance was sleeping with my married best friend for 2 years whilst I was planning my wedding. The sex is just a small part, it left me feeling unworthy, like I wasn't good enough, & riddled with anxiety. Nobody deserves to be lied to & manipulated & cheated on.

I truly hope your husband does find out & he is OK, I hope you're left with nothing but guilt & regret. Shame on you. A grumpy and unexciting husband is not an excuse for an affair. Nothing is.

Depends on how 'with it' the partner is. Have they checked out? Narcissist?

Shit but when they belittle you gkad but wishing you had the courage to stick up
For yourself.

All 20 years ago

Some partners turn a blind eye, so as long as you are generally discreet they don't go looking.

Use apps to message and always delete after reading.
Be aware of body and odours eg no perfumes, freshly washed smell if showering, no stray hairs.
Rules for everything - when you contact each other, especially
Be careful with google and anything with gps - maps, location tracking, satnav etc.
Plan in advance and develop appropriate hobbies eg ones that don't follow a schedule or take up a few hours when you can't be contacted.
Get a few friends to cover for you.
Use work time - eg late start but use the morning, lunchtimes, early finish but use that time.
Find your affair partners online rather than through work or social situation.
Choose your affair partner wisely.

How do overnights feel? With the person you love? Amazing, close, intimate, special. Otherwise ... why bother?

1st question-very easy, you’d be surprised how easy actually.
2nd question-not guilty, if that’s what you wanted to know, if there was any guilt they wouldn’t have gone in the first place. They wanted to do a overnight stay with the AP

Meet during the day so we can use work as cover, we both have quite flexible jobs that allow us to do this. WhatsApp is locked with a passcode and face recognition. Regularly wipe the call log from my phone.

Second question, I feel no guilt when we have managed a night away because it's been planned like a military operation and it's over so fast.

Word of advice OP, if you are thinking of embarking on an affair don't, it's an emotional rollercoaster and not worth the heartbreak. If I'd have known this I would have changed so many things but unfortunately life isn't like that.

First question you sound like the injured question. Second question sounds like a wanna-be adulterer doing their research. So which one are you?

Haha fuck it I mean the injured party. Still hungover ugh but I'm sure you got the gist.

Sounds like a journalist looking for a story.

Why don’t you all just leave your partners?!?! I’m howling at this- there is no hope for men or women. I get the wanting to be desired or if your both cheating- but why stay with someone you don’t love?! Just doesn’t make sense to me. If your relationship has ran it’s course end it and go part time with the ap?
i think it’s all in your heads, the wanting, the fantasy. The chase. Deep down you know the man your messaging/ meeting is probably the same as your partners at home.
I’ve been on both ends and let me tell you- it’s not worth any hurt even if you resent your partner. It’s cruel af. Hope you all get found out eventually ;)

@Cakeandcoffee93 It's convenience init?
Like PP said, if it goes tits up oh well but meanwhile I will try having my cake and eat it. People are lazy and hate confrontation. It's obviously better to live with 2 incomes to share the bills and have another person around to 'babysit' while you meet your fuck partner.

I would encourage anyone who has discovered their partner/spouse's infidelity to read the confessions above and see all the effort, planning, deliberate action and cool calculation that people undertake to disguise an affair. Yet I suspect that many above would still try and gaslight their partners by saying things like "it was a mistake" "it just happened" and other minimising nonsense.

The reality is that affair require a huge amount of work to conceal. They are deliberate choices. There is no such thing as "affair fog" or other made up nonsense that people say to try and justify affairs, just a casual disregard for the person they have committed to. An affair means you have contempt for your partner/spouse.

Now, it also sounds like some of the above are unhappy on their relationships but leaving is a brave choice with consequences. Having an affair is an easy choice with no consequences as long as they can continue to deceive their partner/spouse.

I'm not looking to have an affair. Unless my personality type and my values change drastically in the future, I am the sort of person who would never have an affair. It's just not me.
I asked because I suspect years ago that my DH might have taken someone on an overnight trip in the UK. I wonder how it might have gone, i.e. did he enjoy it, did he feel guilt, might it have been weird not being with me. I have no concrete 'evidence' just circumstantial, and gut feeling. It was a few years ago now so water under the bridge but me being me cannot comprehend how a married person could do this, and also how an AP feels knowing that they're there on a pretence.

The trip he went on was apparently to Scotland, a business jolly where other halves were not invited. All expenses paid trip to an expensive hotel. But he came back with a tanned face. He's really not the sort to play golf or go for long walks by himself! He contacted me once only, saying the phone reception was bad as it was a remote hotel. I remember that his return flight was delayed because of bad weather yet he had said it had been really sunny. Odd.

@krackin23 It can be very windy in Scotland, and that + sun can quickly tan your face.

That would be an unusual one-off overnight for an affair - more likely it was a genuine business trip or it was a long standing affair partner that he took away.

@Eleganz also include behaving like an utterly nasty piece of work, creating arguments out of nothing and general contempt.

The casual way posters on here describe their deceit is repulsive.

I genuinely think they are awful people.

OP - unless there is more - your relationship has changed; your H had been behaving suspiciously for a period of time before/after/since - what you are describing isn’t something to immediately jump to ‘affair’.

Tanned and a delayed flight? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why are you mulling over it now?
Is something going on in your relationship now?

People are able to compartmentalize