Should I tell my teen that his dad is a narc?

[Lostandlost]

I am enduring all narc-y things since last 3 yrs. I then started reading about narcissism and my H fits in the descriptions like a glove ( even the little finger fits). I was stupid enuf to not back anything ( money or assets) up for myself because I thought he loved me, then I found out it was conditional.

I really am trying to get away, but for me to build anything at all, it will take time, 3-5yrs. Until then I want to protect my children.

My children are 16 and 9, love bombed by their dad. They beleive he loves them and cares about them, he does things spends money etc until they piss him off or hurt his ego .Occasionally my older one get insults and recently got his first silent treatment. I go to tears in bathroom allowing this. My son (16) beleives his dad, sees him as a good dad.

I dont inow if to tell the elder one that his dad os a typical narc. It pains to me seeing that my H is putting him in the path he put me. I absoluetly hate myself living as a mother and sometimes think it would be better if I just cease because whats the point of having someone who iust watches and does nothing.

No I am not afraid of my H, I have stopped explaining him anything although he gaslights and triggers me all the time. I just firmly answer or just ignore his tantrums. But..... I am physically crumbling seeing my children putting up with him.

My yonger one ( also times the elder one)gets annoyed if I say negative things about their dad. They just want a pair of good parents. We arnt.

I dont know what to do. Please help.

16?

tell him whatever he like but at this age… he will have his own view and won’t regard you as the most objective person anyway on the issue

Don't impose your views on them

But be there to support them if they come to you with struggles

Don't impose your views on them

But be there to support them if they come to you with struggles

No, thats very unfair of you and could backfire on you

You'd basically be telling your dc that half of their genes come from someone with a personality disorder. Thats a lot for a child to process and they would internalise it as them being wrong too. Don't dump that on them.

Giving yourself 3-5 years to leave is a long timeline. Your eldest will probably have left home by then and your youngest a teen. Why would it take so long? Are you wanting to build up financially? You can't just hide in the bathroom crying when he mistreats your dc for the next 3 years!

I would not use labels unless there's a professional diagnosis. I think it's okay to talk about behavior and patterns of behavior, but it will be most useful to son if you encourage him to spot the issues for himself and identify how it makes him feel.

Absolutely not

The one thing I admire about my mum is she never said a bad word about my dad. She aowdd me to forge my own opinions as I grew yet never ever came between us

I'd lleducate them on hiw to spot abuse and link them to YouTube videos about narcissists ect under the guise of 'so you can spot these arseholes early and won't tolerate them in workplaces or relationships'. Let them realise for themselves.

Its a parents duty to educate their child on how to spot abuse.

Believe me when I say your oldest will quickly work your DH out. I have done something similar, stayed for various reasons and my oldest (18) and youngest (16) have worked him out for themselves. Their generation is way more clued into mental health issues than we ever were! I haven’t had to say anything to them. They also deal with him in a non-confrontational way (kind of grey rock) which often takes the ‘wind out of his sails’
It’s sad though because I’ve tried to warn him over the years that they way he acts will inform how they relate to him as adults- of course he doesn’t see anything wrong at all in how he behaves!
They’ll be spreading their wings soon, as will I.
Good luck OP!