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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You can love 2 people at once

37 replies

Teletubby22 · 31/12/2022 08:49

Following on from the op yesterday who hD a 5 year affair I believe you can love more than one partner at the same time. You love them for different things. I wouldn't recommend it though.
I've been with my dh since I was 15. Up until my early 40's he was my only one. Once I hit my early 40's a switch was flipped & I went slightly crazy. It was like it was some kind of teenage excitement I felt I had missed our on and had to get it out of my system. I fell in love more than once but never had any intention of leaving my dh. They were all secrets and knew nothing of my home life on terms of my families names or our address. I'm 100% confident they would not be able to find me on rl or on social media. It's been a few years now so I doubt they would even want to.
It's been a few years since the last one and now I could not be bothered to even think of having an affair. I just thank god I never broke up my lovely family or that I was ever caught. I'd rather live with my secrets than hurt my dh & adult dc than clear my conscience.

OP posts:

Crazypaving22 · 31/12/2022 09:17

WOW

So you took your lovely husbands right to informed sexual consent from him. This is a sexual violation.

You had multiple affairs.

You put him at risk of STDs and mental and emotional anguish.

You now continue to take his personal agency from him under the guise of caring for him and your adult children.

And you call that love.

Right!...

But don't worry someone will be along to cheer you on and say you're brave or some such bs!

pumpkinsareshortlived · 31/12/2022 09:21

How on earth do you live with yourself? Cheating is never acceptable. It is a low life behaviour, which no doubt would destroy your husband and family if it was ever to come out. Was your self esteem so low?

Eleganz · 31/12/2022 09:25

One thing I have learnt:

There is no end to the human capacity to rationalise and justify shitty behaviour. OP's post is a good example of that.

W0tnow · 31/12/2022 09:29

No one is supposed to meet their life partner at 15.

No regular person is 100% good or 100 evil

WandaWonder · 31/12/2022 09:32

Infatuation I assume not love

vivaespanaole · 31/12/2022 09:33

I have a number of friends who have been together since childhood. Most and their OH have had a similar phase to yourself of experimentation and panic and not knowing anything else and actually they are all Together still decades later and really happy.

So yes, I believe that what you experienced is not uncommon. Sometimes shit happens and people find a way back to each other in this imperfect life. For some it's a reality check. I believe that most of them knew/know of what happened but they chose to ignore it or they worked it out.

There are many different types of affair. If we found a way to talk about them and relationships in a more mature unbritish less burn the witch off with their head way in this country maybe marriage statistics and relationship longevity would improve.

Brightstar84 · 31/12/2022 09:33

I get it, OP. I believe I’ve been both the giver, and receiver, of such love.

Anon778833 · 31/12/2022 09:37

No, it's not love if you're deceiving the other person because they don't know the reality of your relationship.

This sort of talk is just self-justifying.

JoyPeaceSleep · 31/12/2022 09:41

I'm not invested in to the longevity of your marriage so I don't care and can't be bothered trying to reprimand you or worse, shame you! but your husband may have done/be doing or have felt the same and acted on it. Who knows.

My take, having been single for a long time, is that a person doing this needs validation and security. That's what you got. It's not rocket science.
I don't know if it's possible to love security. Not real love. So if you could afford to would you leave your marriage?

If the marriage split up would you be able to create a secure life for yourself financially, or would you be screwed? Can you afford to run a household on your own?

As for the validation, it's nice of course but it's not love either, you're the same you whether somebody's looking or not. The man/men validating you, they had their own agenda. They benefited from validating you. Not saying it wasn't real, but you know, it fizzled out?.

But try to build yourself up financially and try to need a bit less validation or you're going to end up broke and needy in your 50s.

EileenAdler · 31/12/2022 09:54

I have a friend and colleague who is in a polyamorous relationship with a guy and another woman. They all live together and both women have had a child by him. She seems perfectly happy and says he loves both her partners equally.

Soubriquet · 31/12/2022 10:02

I’m in a poly relationship. Me, dh and our female
partner.

We’ve been together for 5 years now and I love them both. Just like they love me.

We have two dc we are raising too

SideshowAuntSallly · 31/12/2022 10:07

Why all of a sudden are there so many posters trying to justify affairs. Its nothing to be proud of but some posters seem to think it is.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 31/12/2022 10:21

SideshowAuntSallly · 31/12/2022 10:07

Why all of a sudden are there so many posters trying to justify affairs. Its nothing to be proud of but some posters seem to think it is.

I don't think it's about being 'proud', just that for some people they either do not meet a partner that wholly fulfils them, or they are not fulfilled by any single person for whatever reason, and in those cases I don't think there's really any 'shame' in seeking that fulfilment from more than one person.

I do not and never have viewed relationships as permanent and open-ended. When I'm with someone I absolutely intend to be with them exclusively, but I'm also a pragmatist and long ago accepted that there are just no perfect human beings on the planet who will not absolutely infuriate, disappoint, or disgust me in some way, and I'm also realistic enough to accept that is probably very much about me and nobody else. I see all people as inherently flawed in some way, because in my experience they invariably are. I don't see life in black and white, only shades of grey, which is why I don't judge people who have multiple romantic partners or choose to seek fulfilment in more than one person.

The whole idea of monogamy until death is fanciful IMO, and mainly a construct of organised religion anyway. It's great if that's how some people chose to live their lives and it works well for them, good luck to them, but that does not give them the right to be sanctimonious about how other people live.

krackin23 · 31/12/2022 10:36

That doesn't sound like love to me.

Dietgonetoshit · 31/12/2022 10:48

Soubriquet · 31/12/2022 10:02

I’m in a poly relationship. Me, dh and our female
partner.

We’ve been together for 5 years now and I love them both. Just like they love me.

We have two dc we are raising too

^All fine but is there any jealousy? I'd really struggle with feeling compared.

I take issue when it's affair territory and one person is none the wiser and being taken the piss out of. That word: deceit.

5128gap · 31/12/2022 11:08

Of course you can love more than one romantic partner at a time. Why on earth not? You can love more than one child, sibling or friend at a time, and its really no different. People say you 'can't' because you're not supposed to.
People also struggle to accept that feelings and behaviour don't necessarily correlate, and that you can Iove a person and also treat them horribly. This is because we tend to feel love for partners based on how they treat us, not how nice a person we are. Even the most evil people love those who meet their needs.
So yes, if you've got two great partners who treat you well, you probably do love them both. Its not of much value to them if youre lying to them both, but I don't doubt your feelings.

Ladybugzrock · 31/12/2022 11:09

Poly relationships can't be compared with affairs. It's comparing apples and bananas. I'm surprised that threads like this liken poly relationships, open, transparent, where sexual consent is agreed to affairs which are FAR from that.

'Love' in affairs is driven by bonding hormones, cognitive dissonance, ego kibbles, validation etc etc, it's more akin to infatuation, it's limerance.

It is not love.

Love is an action, it's a verb. It's empathy, it's compassion, it's daily gratitude and daily acts of kindness.

Affairs do not show love to the betrayed or (I'd argue) to the affair partner. It's selfish, ego driven and entitled.

Fleabigg · 31/12/2022 11:13

It makes sense to me that you can love 2 people romantically at the same time. You can love 2 siblings, 2 friends, 2 parents, 2 children, why would this kind of love be different?

However what you can also do is make sure you don’t put yourself in the position where you could fall in love with another person if you’re already in a monogamous relationship. Love at first sight is bollocks. We always have control. You can stop yourself ever getting to that point.

Creepinglight · 31/12/2022 11:17

No you can’t, not n a meaningful sense. You can have feelings of love, but those are just feelings you selfishly enjoy if you do not follow them up with loving behaviour. Because love is a relational interaction and reciprocal engagement with another person, and that behaviour has to be honest. Lying and deceiving is not an act of love.

So you had shallow feelings you enjoyed having and called love, but you were not in love as you did not behave in a loving way to you DH - quite the opposite.

C1N1C · 31/12/2022 11:20

A line from one of my favourite movies:

Joe Black : ...But Allison loves you?
Quince : [Quince nods yes between stifled sobs]
Joe Black : How do you know?
Quince : Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay.

It isn't love if you hide this, and I'm pretty sure they would stop loving you if they knew.

SuperHandss · 31/12/2022 11:20

But you clearly don’t romantically love or even respect your DH

krackin23 · 31/12/2022 11:25

When you love your partner, if you want to stay in that committed relationship, you should take action to protect your heart from loving anyone else in that way.
Therefore, it is impossible to love two people in this way simultaneously.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 31/12/2022 11:26

I believe you can. A friend of mine got divorced and gets on very well with her exh and her new DH. She admits she still loves exh and always will but they just weren’t right for each other.

One thing I have learned is how judgemental people are.

baileys6904 · 31/12/2022 11:27

Op, if you found out your DH had done something similar, would you think it was OK?

HolyStoned · 31/12/2022 11:33

Of course you can love more than one person simultaneously. And there are people who have affairs to help their marriages. Nor do I think infidelity is necessarily unforgivable, or the worst thing that can happen within a marriage. Life is a lot more complicated and messy than the Mn black and white morality would have you think.

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