Twice in a month

[MissMoodyMoo]

So it's been twice this month my husbands said something about divorcing. And it's starting to piss me off because both times its been infront of our toddler

First time it was over wanting to be with his family this Christmas instead of mine even tho he was at his family last Christmas whilst I worked so this year was my xmas off so I wanted to spend it with my family. He basically said we have different priorities and wanted a divorce... Obviously after he came out of his tantrum it didn't amount to anything

Now he has mentioned that he is glad he doesn't have a chronic illness as I wouldn't be there for him in sickness and health because he has been in bed all day with toothache and a cold.....and isn't getting any sympathy from me... Im a palliative care nurse so it has to be pretty bad to get sympathy off me and the laughable thing is I have crohns so actually have a chronic illness and Still have to go to work, tidy the house mother the toddler etc etc I don't get to lay in bed all day even tho I feel like I'm dying

So basically I'm at my wits end and have no idea what to do because I do feel bad that I maybe don't give him the attention he needs but I'm ill and stressed 100% of the time and it's hard to be nice when he's being a wanker 😭

Just ask him where you need to sign. And enjoy the rest of your life and Christmases with someone who brings joy to your life. Your job must be so tough, you have nothing but my complete admiration.

I maybe don't give him the attention he needs

Is he a puppy that you're trying to train?!

You give him the attention you want to give him, and that you have the energy to give him. If he doesn't like it, he needs to raise it with you as an issue within the relationship to be talked through together, to find a compromise that will make you both happy. That's him taking responsibility for his feelings.

You need to take responsibility for your feelings by deciding if he's wanker enough to leave, and what's going to happen if he keeps making your life harder than it needs to be. You need to talk to him about your pain, and the work you do, your illness and your stress, and tell him that you need to find a way to deal with it better, with or without him.

Obviously this is very one sided as it's my thoughts and feelings and I'm probably a bit of a nightmare to be around atm with the stress of work and being unwell but arguments only seem to happen when he isn't getting his own way. Yesterday we had a bit of an argument because I had mentioned that I wanted to go to the hairdressers. I had previously been a blonde for the last 10yrs etc but due to cost of living etc I decided to go back to my natural colour so haven't been to the hair dressers since May! Anyway I had mentioned I wanted to make an appointment and he looked me straight in the face and said infront of the family friend that it was something we would need to speak about as it costs too much. I then said what about your lads holiday at the end of Jan how are you allowed to do that but I can't get my hair done I was furious!!!! And it's really highlighted a few things that I find maybe a bit Controlling. In November I went a night out with a few girls from work (my first night out since our engagement party in 2019) and I had mentioned I'd like to get my makeup done and he went absolutely mad saying it was a waste of money we can't afford it etc it was my only night out this year and he's been on multiple including lads holidays PLURAL. He went to bloody Carlisle for a night out had to get a hotel to celebrate his pal having a baby!!!! Anyway I didn't get my makeup done as I wasn't in the mood after the argument. Majority seem to be about me doing things or possibly spending money on ME I work 4 days a week for the NHS as a palliative care nurse and he works 40 odd hours we bring in a lot more than most and I wouldn't say we were struggling yes we could rein things back a bit more but it isn't terrible. My sister has pointed out that she thinks it's financial abuse and the more I think about it and by typing this out I think she may be right

I mentioned in another thread that people today are trigger happy on divorcing, as if a divorce is as easy as changing stockings (my mom said this).

How old are you? How long have you been married? How long have you known him? How was your relationship? How strong was your love before you got married. Lots of questions to be asked.

@MiaAntonia I'm 27 he is 32 we have been together 7 years and have a toddler we have only been married 2 years have a mortgage a lovely house we were absolute soul mates before having our baby but I gave him all the attention he needed I think he's got some childhood trauma from his mum possibly not being as loving and nice so I think that I threw all my love and attention early in the relationship and when we started having a family he isn't my number 1 priority he thinks he's hard done by but I am busy and stressed he constantly goes on about how a relationship shouldn't be so hard but doesn't change his actions

Sounds like you've got a lot of stuff bubbling under that you haven't said out loud to him, or even clearly to yourself. Is that anywhere near the mark?

You work and have your own money ..do not say to him you are going to the hairdresser/ beautician etc. As long as you pay your share of the bills it's nothing to do with him.
I mean the next bit in the nicest possible way: nurses are kind and caring in their work and consequently often put up with too much shit from their partners who take advantage of this kindness. I think it would help you to get some counselling to help you assert yourself with this guy who is having you on and taking you for a fool. More than likely you could gt some free from your workplace so go for that.
If its not clear your dh with his weekends away etc is absolutely taking the proverbial! And when he mentions divorce do not react in any way unless that's what you want. If he sees a weakness in you when he says that it will become a tool he will use..

It is very common for a woman to give her newborn her no 1 priority, and most husbands do not like this. Both your toddler and your hubby should be your priority, and naturally making him share some responsibility towards his child. A lot of women lose the desire for sex after giving birth, and some go into postpartum blues, making it worse. The husband has to be understsnding, but the wife too has make an effort to provide her husband with the minimum care he may need and above all communicate with one another on parenthood responsibility. Communication is paramount.

At times the solution to what you are experiencing is providing some attention to your partner. At times the issue is purely sexual, and a smart (and loving) woman should make herself available to her hubby, to provide at least this physical aspect of communication. I say at times, as it is possible that problems may exist in a marriage that have nothing to do with a new parenthood.

It is unfortunate that the thought of divorce crops up so easily and casually, as if it were to be a routine within easy reach.

@MiaAntonia are you actually reading anything the OP said or are you just copy and pasting the 1947 good housewives guide?

At times the issue is purely sexual, and a smart (and loving) woman should make herself available to her hubby, to provide at least this physical aspect of communication

@MiaAntonia Is this regardless of whether or not she feels like having sex with him?

You put it far better than me!