Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

narcissistic ex and intimacy/sex

14 replies

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 17:21

I've dumped him for one silent treatment and DARVO too many but am refelcting making sure I never allow anyone of his sort into my life or bed ever again.I've been thinking about our intimate life. Can I ask you to read this and to give your opinion if you think these are typical behaviours or was it a 'me' problem please? He never once told me I was beautiful/attractive etc nor did he comment either way on my body.He wasn't hugely into kissing me.He was kind of selfish in that he was happy to pleasure me but not orally. It was important to him that I had an orgasm but was often rushed and then he would say..'job done' with a smug smile. He had no problems with erections but could rarely cum unless he finished himself off or a two second doggy style.He could however cum from masturbation. He said he did watch porn but not regularly. He was affectionate but not in public ie didnt like holding hands etc outside of the house. He often turned over a little while after sex and fell asleep, rarley holding,hugging etc.He often said he got too hot. He said on a regular basis that he enjoyed our intimate life more than he ever had before but I think what he meant was that he enjoyed all the attention I stupidly gave to him.i was far too giving, stupidly.Can I have your thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
Louisetopaz21 · 30/12/2022 17:25

Not normal behaviour seems that he did not show you any affection and saw you as a sexual object for his own sexual gratification and male pride. You deserve a lot better. My Dp is very affectionate and calls me beautiful and tells me he loves me and when we have sex it is very loving and he shows me respect. Well done for ending it and good luck for the future xx

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 17:45

Thanks.that was my fear, that he just used me.Feels grubby and horrible. He is currently sending me texts about how sad he is and how he is so sorry for hurting me but a leopard really cant change their spots !

OP posts:
JangolinaPitt · 30/12/2022 17:47

What is DARVO?

IsthatfreedomIsee · 30/12/2022 17:49

My exH was like this. Also a narcissist. Showed zero affection, no cuddles, no hand holding, not even a peck on the cheek. If I did give him a hug he immediately saw that as me wanting Sex. I didn't, I just wanted some affection. He did make sure I orgasmed during foreplay but again it was a quick job so he could get what he wanted. Sex was all about him. He also never paid me a compliment in 20 years.
My current DP is extremely affectionate, never expects Sex, is very generous in bed (and outside the bedroom), is really focused on me and we both have a tendency to fall asleep after Sex, but we'll be sleeping all cuddled up. That's how we sleep normally too.
Well done for leaving the selfish prick. 👏

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 17:51

DARVO is an acronym.It describes behaviour that occurs when I challenged him on a lie or shitty behaviour.Rather than accept, he denied, attacked,turned it around on me , became the victim which always led to me practically begging for forgiveness while he gave me the silent treatment .It happened three times over our two year relationship and for the last time a couple of months ago.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 30/12/2022 18:00

He is currently sending me texts about how sad he is and how he is so sorry for hurting me but a leopard really cant change their spots !

He's not sorry, he's just trying to get more from you, whatever that may be, for himself. He has no interest in you, just what you can give him. For your own mental welfare I recommend that you don't engage with him at all. Do what you need to do to heal from the relationship but having any contact with him will not help.

Lovers are really just vessels to masturbate into for the narcissist, that's how selfish they are.

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 18:03

That sounds so grim but that's how I really feel. I had so much to offer that he didnt have,,a home, a permanent job, close friends, finances and yet it wasnt enough for him

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 30/12/2022 18:05

Sounds like my ex. His name wasn't Mick was it?

Ps, it's completely him being a narc

OLDstolemybrain · 30/12/2022 18:08

Dodecaheidyin · 30/12/2022 18:00

He is currently sending me texts about how sad he is and how he is so sorry for hurting me but a leopard really cant change their spots !

He's not sorry, he's just trying to get more from you, whatever that may be, for himself. He has no interest in you, just what you can give him. For your own mental welfare I recommend that you don't engage with him at all. Do what you need to do to heal from the relationship but having any contact with him will not help.

Lovers are really just vessels to masturbate into for the narcissist, that's how selfish they are.

100%!!

this describes my exH so much. He had intimacy issues, was selfish, controlling etc etc and has left me clawing back my mental health.

currently seeing someone new and the difference is day and night, it takes a lot of getting used to and makes me want to run but you can do it - well done for leaving. Just be strong enough to not go back now

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 18:10

His name wasn't Mick but I think there might be a few of these prizes out there,,,

OP posts:
EBearhug · 30/12/2022 18:14

Never sleep with someone (at least, not more than once,) with someone who doesn't delight in giving you pleasure, and take pleasure from that themselves. They should not be working through a ticklist.

leavethefear · 30/12/2022 18:18

I won't be sleeping with another man for a very very long time.He has done a right number on me .

OP posts:
leavethefear · 30/12/2022 18:19

I agree with the male pride thing.He was almost smug when I would cum.Strange man

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 01/01/2023 13:27

IsthatfreedomIsee · 30/12/2022 17:49

My exH was like this. Also a narcissist. Showed zero affection, no cuddles, no hand holding, not even a peck on the cheek. If I did give him a hug he immediately saw that as me wanting Sex. I didn't, I just wanted some affection. He did make sure I orgasmed during foreplay but again it was a quick job so he could get what he wanted. Sex was all about him. He also never paid me a compliment in 20 years.
My current DP is extremely affectionate, never expects Sex, is very generous in bed (and outside the bedroom), is really focused on me and we both have a tendency to fall asleep after Sex, but we'll be sleeping all cuddled up. That's how we sleep normally too.
Well done for leaving the selfish prick. 👏

I could have written this myself, what a difference a new man makes, it’s all about intimacy and a cuddle

New posts on this thread. Refresh page