Is this coercive control?

[Everylittlehelpsx]

Hi!

been in this relationship for 9 years, 2 children together but finding this difficult now only realising how bad things were.

feeling guilty and upset over actions he himself chose to do. Now In prison for breaking bail conditions on harrasing me.

i just don’t understand why I feel this is my fault and sat crying with guilt when he probably doesn’t care. I wrote a list last night in what I’ve been put through over nine years and just want to know from strangers what they think??

is this coercive control or what is it? Please help 😢

sorry it’s so long apologies I’m only new to mums net x

Was it coercive control?

⁃ wasn’t allowed money he always had MY bank card with my name on

⁃ Every shop we went too he had to be seen paying with my card NOT me

⁃ Had to prove where I was going or who I was with

⁃ Had to send photo evidence when we were apart

⁃ Use to say it was me that made him the way he was saying I was bipolar

⁃ Use to make inappropriate comments to see my reaction then say he was joking

⁃ Followed and stalked me on my social media knowing what times I was and wasn’t online to the second

⁃ When I text saying goodnight he would sit on WhatsApp to see my active status and when I came online after saying night he would go mad saying was I not going to sleep what am I doing why am I up so late I must be chatting to men

⁃ Make fun of my pictures

⁃ Tell me my anxiety was stupid and all in my head

⁃ Told me I can’t get a job working with other men

⁃ Always told me I was wrong and even made me question if I was the issue and that I was wrong when in fact I wasn’t

⁃ Restricted me from Womans aid when he found them ringing me one day saying he was not abusive and what have I told people

⁃ Made me feel miserable

⁃ Would question and come knocking on the bathroom door or call me if I was taking too long in the bathroom then would go on to say I was in there hiding stuff on my phone

⁃ Laughed at me when I was proud of myself for silly things

⁃ Pressured me into sex and if I didn’t he would make me feel guilty

⁃ Would the withhold sex from me making me paranoid about another female and paranoid about myself lowering my confidence

⁃ Everything was my fault

⁃ In December 2015 he gave me his prescription and said it would help my pain, my pain was a broken heart from finding out he was messaging other girls so he said taking these certain tablets would lift my mood

⁃ 2016 He took a video of me out cold sleeping on the tablets he had fed me and videoed him throwing water round my face blasting music in my face to wake me up and was laughing at me as I was out of it

⁃ On 12th July 2016 when I was nearly 7 months pregnant with our daughter he was drunk and punched my lip which split open and swelled I had to pretend to my family I was sick so they didn’t see it because I thought I’d forgive him as he didn’t mean it as he was drunk

⁃ He was never to blame even when it was obvious

⁃ 2017 Smashed my phone with all my photos from my daughter from birth on all because he thought I was texting other men during an argument

⁃ 2019 lied saying I had hit him and our daughter and got me arrested and my children took off me all because of him starting an argument and

⁃ Lying to my face over the most stupid things

⁃ Saying I use my kids as a weapon

⁃ Use to laugh at my videos on TikTok to try get me off the platform

⁃ Said I give my phone more attention than him

⁃ Called me lazy when I didn’t want to do what HE wanted to do

⁃ Said my health anxiety symptoms weren’t real and I’m stupid

⁃ Told me I was stupid for being scared of him on drugs and he would never hurt me

⁃ Made me feel guilty over things he done

⁃ Blamed his cheating actions on me because I didn’t give him attention

⁃ Made me out to be the crazy one and all this was in my head and that he only loves and cares for me

⁃ Would give me the silent treatment over the most stupid things

⁃ Made me feel uncomfortable in my own home by sitting there not speaking so he could get an angry reaction from me and then blame me

⁃ Wasn’t allowed to wear make up going out without him as he said I was trying to impress someone

⁃ Said he loved me the way I was without makeup and my eyelash extensions persuading me NOT to get them even though he knew I got them for ME not another man I wanted to feel confident for myself no one else and I always had to justify this

⁃ If I was going to the shop by myself or with my family and he asked for an item and if I got there and it wasn’t in stock I would have to take a picture to prove it wasn’t there to not go home to silent treatment and abuse and if he didn’t get anything I wasn’t allowed anything

⁃ Didn’t let me eat without him, then made me feel guilty if he was hungry and I wasn’t saying he won’t eat if I don’t

⁃ Checked my phone

⁃ Laughed at my friends saying they’re pathetic

⁃ Said I send people indecent images of myself for attention

⁃ Saying people messaged him LIES about me to get a reaction and when I showed a reaction he would say I was guilty because I got upset or mad

⁃ Didn’t let me loose weight

⁃ Didn’t let me make new friends online

⁃ Wouldn’t let me use my phone in bed when he was going to sleep I had to go to sleep

⁃ Made me feel like I was the bad one

⁃ Made me believe that I was actually going insane with the lies he told

⁃ Laughed at me when I was scared

⁃ Always said I was over reacting

⁃ Blamed my smear test results on me saying it’s because I’ve cheated on him that’s why I had abnormal cells

⁃ He said I Never gave him attention and love my phone more than him

⁃ Called me a bad parent if I didn’t do things for the kids he wanted me to do

⁃ Threatened to hurt himself, and my new partner if I ever left him and moved on

⁃ Went mad if I didn’t answer the phone in a second then the accusations would begin

⁃ Made me screen record all my messages from all social media accounts

⁃ Hacked into my TikTok account to read messages

⁃ Hacked into my email

⁃ Tried to hack into my Facebook messenger

⁃ Made me show proof when and if he wanted it for whatever scenario he made up in his head this time

⁃ Made me feel like I was stupid and that I didn’t have any common knowledge whatsoever

⁃ Would sit in silence and if I asked him if he was ok he would angrily say why do I ask him that and that I’m the issue

⁃ When he was in a bad mood he would say it was because I was in a bad mood even though I wasn’t which then made me in a bad mood

⁃ When I got angry over his bad moods he would then say it’s me that’s in a mood

⁃ Wasn’t allowed to be upset or feel certain emotions without being called stupid

⁃ Saying I would be the reason he was gonna kill himself which scared me

⁃ Always brought up my past relationships and made remarks about it

⁃ Said I’ve probably slept with half the town which isn’t true he in fact had slept with more than me

⁃ Made me feel ashamed of my past even before I knew his existence

⁃ Made me question who I even was anymore

⁃

I hope he rots in prison op..
And I truly hope you build yourself and your dc a great life.

You deserve one.
Please believe that.

@Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon

Thank you so much for replying. I'm just so confused at the moment I mean it's been a long time coming but I just can't take anymore. I don't even recognise myself anymore I tried everything to stay as a family and got nothing but torture in return but as I said left feeling guilty and maybe I was the problem what if I did try harder? I'm not sure it's just a rubbish situation I just want to be happy 😢x

He sounds extremely abusive, emotionally, financially and physically. WHo knows where coercive control fits into all that lot, and who cares, anyway, its just playing with semantics.

Have a lovely life without him xx

Yes, it's coersive control. My daughter's ex did most, if not all of those things.

Wow OP. That's one hell of a list that shows quite clearly he has no respect for you and is an abusive arsehole. Try and build the best life that you can well away from him. Best wishes xx

@Nimbostratus100

Thanks so taking time to reply to my thread 🙏 I really hope I can start to be happy again but at this stage it nearly seems impossible xx

That's not just coercive control, that is every other kind of abuse as well - financial, emotional, sexual, physical, gaslighting, manipulating, the lot.

Please don't ever let this despicable abuser back into your life.

@knittingaddict

So sorry she had to experience this 🙏💖

@BlueSuffragette

Thank you 🙏💖 yeah the more I read back and add to my list I sit here wondering why I'm the one left feeling guilty, I'm only 28 and feel like my life is over but I hope someday soon I can look back on this and realise that I made it, without him xxx

@pinneddownbytabbies

Oh really? That's very upsetting to hear, especially when I thought up until now that this was normal and this man loved me 😢 it's hard knowing you were with someone who really didn't care after nine years x

That is the definition of coercive control and also physical assault and sexual abuse

I hope you reported this to police as well. It's a criminal offence

As others have said, he's guilty of committing every type of abuse, not just coercive control. That list makes for a difficult read. I'm so very glad to hear he's in prison and being punished for his cruelty.

Please don't ever take him back. He's probably expecting to return to you upon his release, but you deserve so much better than him. It takes an incredibly strong and resilient person to survive that kind of abuse, don't ever forget how strong you are.

@yellowsmileyface

Oh wow your message made me tear up, I am so greatful you took your time to read and reply to my thread! 💖

Yes even when I wrote the list it upset me as I wasn't aware of half the list and how cruel and hurtful some things are, that was only half the list I've added more and more on it just keeps coming flooding back to me now,

The thing is I don't know why I feel lost, sad, empty and even guilty knowing it was his actions that put him in there but all I can blame is myself I just don't understand my own mind and people get mad at me for still caring and feeling guilty but I really wish I didn't but I do, but no I can't go back to that it only got progressively worse towards the end and it was starting to effect my children so it has to stop regardless of what I wanted my children have and must come first!

I hope I can read back on this thread when I have healed and realise why people are so angry at me 🤞💖 xxx

All of the abuse going in that list and I’m so sorry he put you through all of that.
Abuse is always a choice and about the abuser behaving in such a way to try and make you less than them or dependent on them and they absolutely know it will have an impact on you or how you then live your life.

I know it sounds daunting, have you reported all of this to the police (I take it they know at least some if he’s in prison?) They have to take C&C behaviour much more seriously now. The police also have safeguarding measures you can take them up on or sometimes officers you can be supported by if you wanted to explore non-mols etc.

You may not feel it yet but you are strong and can absolutely build a life away from this abuser.

@Halloumi22

Hi 👋

Yes it's terrible the more I wrote on my list the more I realised how bad it was!

Yes I had a case with police regarding to incidents regarding him that happened in July which is in court in feb. He was in prison in November for a week after breaking his bail condition contacting me as he wasn't allowed but was released.

But this time he's broke them again and was took to prison and appeared in court yesterday looking to get out but the judge REFUSED bail so I've no idea how long he'll be in there for.

I then opened a new case with police after another incident that happened just before Christmas he done something vile on me and I broke down saying enough is enough so this time he was arrested for breech of bail, stalking, harassment and now finally coercive behaviour.

I'm not too sure what the outcome will be, but worried when he gets realeased because I know he will do anything to try contact me and will have me by his finger saying he's going to end his life as he knows I always respond to that because death is a trigger for me

It can surely only get better ❤️‍🩹 xx

@Tiani4

Hi 👋

Yes it has all been reported 🙏 xx

Whenever you're doubting yourself, read it, and keep reading it until you realise that it's abuse from every angle
Seek counselling, and go into 2023 without a single thought towards him, don't give him headspace, instead fill your mind with things abd plans for you, do things for YOU, put yourself first
because that's all he ever did in your relationship

He won't end his life, it's emotional blackmail

Hi @IHaveNoSoul 💖

Thank you for reading my thread and taking time to reply to me it's much appreciated

Yes I hope 2023 is my year 🤞

I want to finally focus on myself, my own mind and my own confidence and finally loosing the weight to help regain my confidence as I know that'll be a massive help in all this 🤞❤️‍🩹 xx

@IHaveNoSoul

Everyone says it's emotional blackmail and I understand that, but what if he did

I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. But as you said. This new year I have to focus on myself and less worry about him because where is his worry for me? Because I've never saw it xx

Good for you for reporting it all - that’s an incredibly helpful thing and the fact he was refused bail shows how serious it is. That in itself shows how strong you are and you will continue to build yourself back up without him draining you.

I’m not trying to scare you, just trying to give you some more advice - when you next speak to the police, or even if you have an officer dealing with your case, if hasn’t been done already, ask them if they can put you in touch with any safeguarding support as there’s lots of things they can do for you to get you in immediate touch with them or as security round your house - I don’t want to publicise what.
Also ask the police to look up Professor Jane Monckton-Smith’s domestic timeline in terms of your case - not everyone is aware of it but it’s incredibly useful.

Small steps will get you feeling much better again - you’ve been through so much. None of it was your fault and says so much more about the type of person they are than you. Wishing you all the best in healing and getting back to you x

Your list rings so true it’s scary - some of your points I could have written about my ex word for word. I left at 27 after more than a decade, my whole adult life. I had therapy - can’t recommend it enough. I’m now 32 and married to the love of my life who treats me like I hung the moon and stars. It gets better, just hold on ❤️

@Halloumi22

Thank you so much for all the useful information I will definitely follow all that up as I would never of knew about that so thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, your support and guidance means the world to me 💖 xx

OP this man has systematically broken you down over 9 years. He’s messed with your emotions and your sense of reality. He’s made you believe it is your fault for not trying hard enough or not being a “better” partner.
The truth is everything he has done has been because he is an abuser. We don’t know why, perhaps he was bullied and abused as a child - but right now it doesn’t matter the why’s and why nots. What matters is that he is a dangerous man.
He is a danger to you and your children and you cannot and MUST NOT allow him back into your life in any capacity.

I would absolutely recommend that you seek out some therapy to help you work through everything. Don’t be ashamed to find someone that you can talk to about this, it really would help you recover.

well done for reporting him and sticking by your guns, he is not a good person OP. He is a dangerous person. He is someone you would not want around your sister, your best friend or your daughter.

You are not to blame for what has happened but you are responsible for what happens next in your own life. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he can change, he is sorry or he deserves any more chances x

Hi @Nowhereelsetogo90 💖

Lovely to meet you! I'm so sorry you've had such a similar experience!

I must admit I nearly cried reading your message, it's all I hope for and more and gives me that tiny bit of hope, I am 27 now myself so it's like talking to myself replying to you and looking at my hopeful future self, I had only tuned 19 when I met him, so basically all my 20s this has happened and I really don't know any different from that and there's me thinking stupidly that it was love and he did love me 😭

I really hope I can recover from this soon and put my guilt and sadness to the side and focus on me ❤️‍🩹

Thank you so much for replying to me 🙏💖 xxx

Hello @Googlecanthelpme 👋💖

First of all I love your username it made me giggle as myself being the biggest google lover and user in the world 🤦‍♀️😂

But secondly thank you so much for taking your precious time to reply to my long miserable thread 🫶🏻

Yeah it's sad when writing everything down realising how horrible he was, funny you mentioned that because I always in an abuse argument asked him has something happened to him when he was younger is that why he turns to drugs and being a horrible person but he never answered so we will never know, not like it's an excuse I suppose to treat someone else so horribly.

Another thing that mind blows and confuses me is that everyone that replies to my story and what I have to say all say the SAME replies and responses but yet I am the one in the middle of the abuse but never realised what everyone else has? It's really makes me worry about my mind and my mind frame how I've never noticed that this isn't normal!

Talking to you all on here has really helped me for today! As I don't have many friends they were all took away from me and my family don't understand my feelings, I know they care for me especially my mum but she just had no sympathy for me at all and doesn't understand why I'm feeling the way I do and keeps saying what is it he actually has to do for me to realise he's scum.

I just hope I can get through this , it's going to be worse when he is released so I'm dreading that but this time I am NOT going to run back. I want to turn my life around and show him how happy I can be without him 🤞💖 xxx