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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to tell him I like him?

28 replies

TempAccount42 · 30/12/2022 13:27

Long term poster, temp account for embarrassment. Naice ham.

To cut a long story short, I’ve fallen for a very shy man and can’t work out how to tell him I like him, please tell me how!

Backstory: After a long relationship of 8 yrs plus that ended with me finding my-ex's multiple infidelities and then over a year single, I’ve fallen for a guy that I met 12+ months ago on OLD. He’s smart, gorgeous and very shy. He suspects he’s on the spectrum, and I agree. He doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship history. I sense that he likes me, we text over 30 times a day and meet regularly for what are basically dates, but he’s never made a move and I don’t think he will. I’m in my late 30’s and other options are narrow, plus I don’t really want to date anyone else! .

After two long relationships previously ending with rejection then cheating, my confidence in my own attractiveness is very low. I’m not ugly; I’m professionally successful and have a lot of friends – I’m alright at most aspects of my life but I just can’t take another romantic blow. I’m in therapy and trying to work on that, but I’ve always been someone who prefers a relationship to casual stuff and the physical loneliness is intense. I’d love to open the door to a relationship with this guy if he does like me, but the door is jammed.

The best and easiest thing to do is to just tell him how I feel, but please believe me I’ve psyched myself up to do it tens of times and I just can’t bring myself to. He’s teetotal, so I can’t take him out and let the wine do the magic. I could text him to tell him I like him more than just friends but that doesn’t feel right and the terror of waiting for a response would give me a meltdown!

I know I have to do it, that I’m overthinking it, but I’m stuck. Please help; what do I say?

OP posts:
DifferentYearSameShit · 30/12/2022 13:35

You met OLD isn't the point to date?
Thought it was a new and not a year + thing, just message him and ask him if feels anything other than friendship because to you it seems there may be more

if you don't you'll never know

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 13:40

You could message him to tell him you’re really enjoying the time you spend together and don’t want to lose this, but also would like to take things to the next level and start dating officially. Then on the next date/meet, say ‘how about we try hand holding?’. See what he says. You may find he doesn’t like physical affection and will need to weigh this up as to what you want in a relationship, but hand holding, then kissing, is a fairly straightforward progression. If you can’t communicate about these things then one/neither of you is ready for a relationship.

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 13:41

For what it’s worth, we dated in this are we/aren’t we way for 9 months before having ‘the chat’. Now happily married for 10 years.

Shitfather · 30/12/2022 13:57

He was on OLD to date, so a convo about where you are should be expected. I think you should message him rather than face to face quite soon as this will turn into head fuck. I’ve been there. It’s important for you to know whether he’s just seeking a mate/companionship or more.

VisaGeezer · 30/12/2022 14:32

Why don't you just make a move yourself?

When do you see him next?

VisaGeezer · 30/12/2022 14:36

You'd need to establish soonish if he's actually interested in a relationship though; you don't want to turn things romantic & sexual if he's actually not. You sound like you have feelings for him and want a relationship, you'll get hurt if he's actually not, you'd be better staying friends.

Eatentoomanyroses · 30/12/2022 14:39

Sounds like a waste of time to me. I wouldn’t bother

HideyHoe · 30/12/2022 17:45

This is really unusual. Is he much younger than you? How can you be dating for a year, met on OLD and you don't know how to tell him you like him? Have you kissed?

Pineappleskies · 30/12/2022 18:57

Sorry honestly wouldn't do this.

No one is so shy that you need to do all the work, take all the risks and bend yourself in half to cater to your perception of his needs and capabilities before a relationship has even started.

He knows you like him. If he can't be arsed to do anything about it, then you have your answer.

DatingDinosaur · 30/12/2022 19:24

OP, this could be his autism talking? He may have huge feelings for you but doesn’t know how to express them or he may be looking for clues that you like him more than a friend but that perception can be skewed in autism, or rather, he’ll have read up on “signs of attraction” and be looking visually for those signs from you rather than sensing them, maybe?

I would say be prepared to be the one always in the driving seat if something more does come of this and Tempyname offers some good suggestions on how you could gently move things forward.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 30/12/2022 19:39

Next time you meet say Mr OLD we've known each other for over a year now, this feels more like a friendship then a romantic relationship and I would love for it to be a relationship as I really like you. What are your thoughts?

If you can't even say those words then you might as well give up.

I'm not sure he is in the same place as you as a year is a very long time not to engage in any physical activity if you are in a relationship assuming both in 30's, had previous relationships ie he has kissed someone before/not a virgin etc.

I know you mentioned possibility of being on the spectrum but if this is the reason for the lack of initiative or showing any love towards you do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

But you're probably best to suss out his response first at least you will know where you stand. And if he doesn't want a romantic relationship then you can pursue that aspect of your life elsewhere and he can still be a friend.

Good luck OP.

Watchkeys · 30/12/2022 19:48

Sorry to sound harsh, but if you were compatible, saying what you want to say would be easier than this. You risk getting into a relationship where nobody dares say what they feel, if you do somehow get your message through to him. How are you going to deal with any issues that come up within the relationship? If you're so scared of rejection, you're not really in the right place within yourself, regardless of communication difficulties.

HalfLass · 30/12/2022 19:50

Just message him to ask if he sees you in a romantic light. But before you do...
Do you genuinely fancy him? I've been married since my 30s, but in my single/dating days, if I didn't have a powerful urge to kiss someone it was a sign the chemistry wasn't there.
But, I've always loved solitude and never went from being friends with a bloke to fancying them. 😏

SuperHandss · 30/12/2022 19:51

Tough love… you’re in your late 30’s so it’s time to grow up and just say it… in person.

A simple ‘I really enjoy spending time with you and would like to do it more often, what do you think?’ From there say you want a relationship or whatever it is you want.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 30/12/2022 19:58

I would be amazed if he doesn’t feel the same way. He sounds shy and unsure of himself, afraid of getting it wrong. You are going to have to make a move or initiate a conversation and probably show him what to do. Much better than having an egotist/cheater/liar who might be more experienced but break your heart. He sounds decent and kind, just very shy. Be bold and take the lead! He’s probably never had a girlfriend before .

I have a close relative who sounds very similar and is also in the spectrum. He’s the kindest, most caring and intelligent man but lacks confidence and has suffered from depression. He would make someone an amazing partner though.

Original poster
TempAccount42 · 30/12/2022 20:21

Thanks for the replies. We are the same age and I know I need to woman-up and just tell or ask him and you've given some good suggestions, it's just my fear of losing the current hope I have that he might like me, that's stopping me..

I've been really damaged by what has been done to me in the past and I'm trying to heal and get better. I've read up on dating on the spectrum and I know it would be different, I'm pretty convinced he's either totally or near-completely inexperienced. I've dated lots of other people in the last year too, but nobody is as good as he is.

I think @DatingDinosaur is right and I really hope @Walnutwhipsarenothesame is, thank you! If anyone has a suggestion of how to say it so he doesn't freak, freeze or run a mile I'd be even more grateful than I already am x

OP posts:
Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 30/12/2022 20:49

Just go somewhere quiet and say to him you’d like to talk about where you’re both at. Tell him how much you like him and ask him if he’d like you to be a couple . If he says yes, take his hand and kiss him! If he isn’t on the same page, tell him you’d be cool with staying friends. I bet he’ll be delighted and overwhelmed though, but probably not quite sure what the next move is. So you’ll have to take charge, gently.

I bet you anything he’s been obsessing about how to move things on with you and worried you might not fancy him. Being inexperienced as a man is quite shaming and it can be really difficult just to get started when you’re behind the game. Once he’s off the starting block things will be easier for both of you hopefully.

Does he know about your past and that you’re vulnerable? That might make him feel less shy, if he feels he can offer you something positive.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 30/12/2022 20:58

In addition to my relative, I know another young man who sounds very similar. He is also a lovely guy. Intelligent, attractive and kind. Just never had a gf and very under confident. He’s desperate for a relationship but confidence holds him back. It’s a common thing. Interestingly both men are teetotal and don’t fit in with the laddish culture .

Fromthefog · 31/12/2022 00:41

I am pretty sure that I am on the spectrum as well and he may have the same problem that I do. I can see when someone is attracted to me but to move things on to the next level is so difficult and overwhelming for me that I kind of freeze and nothing happens.

If that is the case for him then he is probably hoping that you will try and step up and help.

Watchkeys · 31/12/2022 03:19

What will happen to you if he says no? What are you so worried about, in that respect?

SugarplumFairyyy · 31/12/2022 03:24

I'm prob not the best person to give advice here. I'm extremely honest to a default. If I ever liked someone I'd say "I like you. Do you like me like that?" I wasn't trying to be forward. Just honest. A few times there was the normal rejection and I just kind of brushed it off and moved on. Maybe they rejected me because I was too upfront.
I learnt to accept the occasional rejection and I Met my now hubby aged 20. Been together 15 yrs so no rejection since then lol.

CockSpadget · 31/12/2022 03:34

Just because he’s teetotal, doesn’t mean you can’t have a glass or 2 of Dutch courage! If he’s on the spectrum the likelihood hood is he is absolutely as enamoured with you, as you are with him, but mentally unable to make the first move. Have some wine OP, and tell him how you feel!

CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2022 03:45

Put your big girl pants on and crack on!!!

SugarplumFairyyy · 31/12/2022 03:46

CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2022 03:45

Put your big girl pants on and crack on!!!

Yup that's what my long-winded message should have said. So basically this in a nutshell 😆 🤣

Swimawayyy · 31/12/2022 07:53

I agree. Big girl pants on. A few moves that have worked for me….

  1. lean across the table and touch his arm and laugh if he says something funny
  2. lean across and hold his hand if he says something “from the heart”
  3. reach out to hold his hand sitting in the taxi on the way home
  4. just saying “can 2 people still be friends if one really wants to kiss the other”
  5. saying “is it time for kissing yet?”

now the last two are a bit cringe but I had had a couple of drinks. The point is… none of them went unreciprocated!