Why don't I respect myself

[whyohwhyyyy]

Nearly all males I talk to, whether it be for a couple of months or years I end up grovelling in front of them, like I have no self worth. I can see all the red flags, I know the person is no good for me - but I'm the one who ends up apologising and hearing abuse from the other side, accepting it and listening to it.

The most recent being 2 months speaking, he had told me multiple things like getting his sisters ex husband stabbed in a club, conning people, him being a loose canon. But yet I still fall for the looks and end up being hurt. What is my problem?! I come from a physical/verbal abusive relationship and I was sexually abused when I was younger by an extended family member.

Why don't I respect myself or have boundaries?

It’s because bad attention from a loser is better than no attention. This is what you’ve become used to. You have no self esteem and no boundaries but ….
read up on it and seek therapy. This will probably help.
There’ll be others coming along with lots of advice probably better than mine.
I hope you can pull away from the bad bits of your life and make a better, stronger future.

Because the abuse feels comfortable. It’s what you’re used to, and you don’t believe you’re worth more.

Please seek therapy to explore this further, you ARE worth so much more. I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child x

I come from a physical/verbal abusive relationship and I was sexually abused when I was younger by an extended family member.

this right here is the answer. Childhood trauma shapes how you view yourself and how you see relationships forever. You went through something very traumatic and it shattered your self-image.

Please explore this in therapy. Its the only way to heal and break the pattern.

Yes, therapy is the way to go, & you need to ensure your therapist is experienced in trauma-based analysis & healing.

Also - take a (long!) break from men for a while, & instead, invest in yourself. Start reading about dysfunctional family backgrounds, escaping the FOG of dysfunctional thinking patterns, assertiveness training & boundary management.
Do The Freedom Programme -

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1J3OFDIKZUNQ0&keywords=a+woman+in+your+own+right&qid=1672405668&s=books&sprefix=a+woman+in+you%2Cstripbooks%2C82&sr=1-1

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Thank you so much for your replies, I try but then always seem to fall back into a bad pattern - constantly showing myself in a more sexual nature. I hate that I'm handing it on a plate. I will seek out therapy and check the links x

Read:
Women who love too much by Robin Norwell
Then come back to the thread.

I've got this book, it was gifted to me a couple of years back. I read and took bits in, but quickly slipped up again. Hence why I'm seeking advice from others who may have suffered something similar or have been through the struggle

Read it again.

Can you define the sensation/high that you get in your body when you are with such types? It’s likely a panic / adrenaline / fear feeling that you mistake for excitement or the futile relentless hope that this will be different. It’s a likely a version of trauma bonding - it’s quite addictive.

You might find balanced / nice / normal guys dull or unattractive because you don’t get the danger thrills?

Just because you mentioned constantly showing yourself in a more sexual nature, might be worth googling histrionic personality disorder.

But much more likely you base your worth on how men think of you and believe looks and sex are all you have to offer to get them to like you. You may also have issues around codependency, hence staying even when you know they are bad news.

I'd take some time single. Learning to be very comfortable single will make it easier to walk if a guy proves a bad'un.

What actions do you take on a regular basis to make yourself into a person you respect?

This is to do with looking externally for worth, any worth at all, however superficial, because you don't feel, internally, that you have worth.

You have to change things, so that you feel different about you. How you behave in relationships is a symptom, not the problem, and if you solve the problem, that symptom will go away, probably along with a bunch of other niggles in your life.

Externally I've tried to change myself, had braces, going for nose surgery, tried losing weight all to make myself look better for other people. I always seek validation, want to be the one who makes everything better.

Right, so, what things do you do for you? What do you do that you approve of? What do you do that you respect?

If your answer to this is 'I don't know' or 'Nothing', I've got an idea for you. If you have got things that you do that you think are fabulous, think about that feeling, and how you might get more of it.

Maybe try hobbies and holidays.
Steer clear of social media for a bit.
Start doing things on your in like cinema trips.
Read books (avoid romance).
Basically you've got to go on a voyage of self discovery that isn't focused on you appearance.
Maybe take an online class in something. Or do some charity work.

Instead of trying to make things better for shit men. Make things better for your inner child. She's the one that needs mended.

I think you need therapy as well, preferably a psychotherapist, not CBT.

OP I imagine your current mental health professional is actually qualified to make suggestions about what other therapies might be a good idea.

I've noticed, I used to cook and bake a lot. I've stopped doing those things, losing focus in things that I was more focused in. It's all mindset and building a consistent routine again.

OP doesn't have a current mental health professional.

Not up for a debate. My post was specifically and clearly for OP.

ok 🙄

You're right, I don't actually have a therapist at the moment. I know their job isn't to judge, but fully putting myself out there scares me. Even though I know it's the best thing for me.

fully putting myself out there scares me

That's the crux of your problem.

But in the nicest possible way, there's nothing special or outstanding or different about you, in the way that you're dealing with it. I'm sure there's lots of special and lovely things about you, but in this respect, you're totally normal and run-of-the-mill. If you see a therapist, they will have seen people just like you over and over for years.

What is it that makes you think they'd even bat an eyelid?

It's not about being special, and I don't think of myself as someone who is "special", neither am I saying there's not other people out there like me. Those people have been strong enough to put themselves forward and see a therapist, whereas I'm still in the stages where I'm struggling to do that. The point of this thread was seeking out people like me and hoping they would respond with the positives to them moving forward and not dwelling on it for as long as I have.

I'm not having a go at you!

What is it that makes you think a therapist would be shocked or surprised by anything you have to tell them?

Self analysis is really useful, especially if you're still pre-opening up. I wasn't trying to make you feel 'not special', which is why I said 'In the nicest possible way'; I'm pointing out that you don't have anything to fear in seeing a therapist, and trying to get you to see that for yourself, by realising that they will have lots of experience with people in similar positions to you.

I know their job isn't to judge, but fully putting myself out there scares me.

Its difficult because therapy means talking about the abuse - and abuse leaves us feeling shameful and to blame. Exploring the honest thoughts we have about ourself is all kinds of exposing. What I do know is that there’s nothing for you to feel shame for - the decisions your making now have their roots in abuse and trauma, a good therapist will know this.

Look for someone who offers relational therapy (as opposed to CBT, EMDR etc) who will be able to offer you a different model of being in a relationship. Experiencing a safe, trusting, boundaried relationship can help heal the parts that trauma has damaged. There’s nothing they won’t have heard before, and they will offer you care and compassion - which in turn will help you be compassionate to yourself.