Friends always let me down…time for a change?

[NewYrLonely]

I’ve felt very lonely in terms of friendships this Christmas. As I get older and DC being teenagers do their own thing, I’ve noticed my social circle has decreased dramatically and girlfriends only contact me when they want to moan about their partners or as a last resort.

I look on Facebook and see old acquaintances planning new year gatherings and girls holidays and it’s made me feel very tearful and depressed.

I don’t want to make the effort anymore with those who I feel use me, but I find it hard to make new friendships, also I am not sure how you maintain them? Doesn’t help that I’m self-employed.

Does anyone have any ideas how I deal with this loneliness which feels really painful at the moment.

Hi NewYrLonely - I feel your pain. It's awful isn't it.

All I can suggest is that when you are on facebook and see posts then make a habit of commenting/ posting yourself. Try not to be a virtual wallflower.

I've found that texting has been great recently as many of my friends don't seem to get around to responding to emails but they can respond pretty quickly to a short text. Can you make contact with some friends this way and suggest a catch up on the phone at a time that suits your work schedule?

Are you a member of any social and/ or special interest groups locally to you? Perhaps a hobby you used to enjoy before you were self-employed that you could take up again? That would give you a regular outing.

Detox from social media for a start - who cares what other people are doing?

I second trying to meet new people in person. I've made some fab friends at the gym by attending the same classes regularly. I also met a good group at a creative-type class.

Thanks @Pr1mr0se and @BaddogGooddoggy for your replies. I’m going to look into some new hobbies cost permitting. I also feel a bit scared though about making new friends. It feels like I’m starting school again as getting older has made me even more shy and I’m always worried about what others think of me.

I do post on Facebook and regularly text friends, the issue is getting together with those girlfriends rarely happens and when it does all they seem to use me for is to talk about their problems or their exciting social plans with others. I often feel like I’m seen a boring and a bit miserable, as you say @Pr1mr0se I am a wallflower. I hate this!

IME you keep making new friends throughout life, it does take a bit of effort to meet new people but it is worth it as you'll start identify which people you feel more drawn to, and this changes over your life. I don't think it is unusual to have patches 'between friends' so don't feel too disheartened. Just look to increase your number of acquaintances; start chatting to people, be a bit more friendly to everyone you interact with - at the shops, etc. Practice being a bit more open about your true feelings and perspectives - with a light touch! If you do this you never know where you might find commonalities. Look for hobby groups or activities that interest you. I think when you meet the right people you will reach out and they will reciprocate. If you communicate as you mean to go on this will filter out the people you are incompatible with. Eg. If you don't like phone conversations you won't suit someone who enjoys talking on the phone as a means of maintaining the friendship, so just be honest with yourself and others, and don't act in ways that don't feel right for you.

Thanks @MattDamon I hope I can get over my shyness as I’m sick of looking at four walls!

I do feel very sad at how others seem to use me. I think that’s why I’m looking for new friendships and social communities, it’s been heartbreaking to realise how lonely I actually feel. Recently over the last few months, when I’ve needed them when I’ve felt low, they’ve been nowhere to be found.

Am I expecting too much of my friendships, not sure if this is normal as you get older trying to maintain them? I just don’t feel they have time for me and as I said before, just totally used.

Hi op its hard. Know what you mean. I have lots of must meet soon but of course they dont follow it up. I joined a walking group. I texted her for coffee this wend so that gets me out. I loved meet my cousin but I got dropped once she got working. I dont want b used again

@Mary46 it’s awful isn’t it, no more being used for me either. I find it’s the ones who tell you what they’ve been doing (parties, getting drunk) and then expect you to listen to their stress and negativity like you’re a sponge for them. Uurrggh!

I often feel like I’m seen a boring and a bit miserable

What do you do to make your life interesting and happy? I think this should be your first step. Interested, happy, people who are engaged with life make for good company. The first person you need to be good company for is you. Once you've got that sorted, the other stuff will fall into place.

So, what have you got planned over the next week or two that will make you feel engaged and interested?

I long ago let go of the notion of best friends and best friends for life.

I have various friends from various hobbies. Like my cycling buddies and sometimes after rides we will stop for lunch and hang out.

Friends I go party with and we only really chat to discuss upcoming events, plan hotels together

Then from having various friends some turn over time into something more deeper and meet outside of hobbies and so on.

I just think start with making conversations with people in any hobbies your into.

Yes a hobby is good. Alot threw up the walking after 2 weeks but anyway 4 us still going. I def found friendships disheartening at 49 its like nobody wanted put in effort into it. I just didnt feel same about some friends