Life needs to change - but how?

[Veryalone]

Hi all. This is my first post - I’ve never been in a forum of any type. But I need help.

so I’m feeling pretty lost and alone right now and I don’t know how to change it. I have a pretty good life - successful but high pressured job, husband, kids, home, pets etc. everything that I’m grateful for but still never felt so alone??

I have no friends - past trauma and low confidence/self-esteem literally ruined those that ‘friends’ never ask me to do anything anymore. My husband doesn’t do ‘emotions’ and never knows what to say when I’m low, but I’ve also noticed that I now never get an invite when he’s going out socialising. Christmas Eve he went out with his family, my 2 girls (12 and 15) went out with their friends swapping presents etc and I sat in the house on my own. It’s like when I’m not working I don’t know how to live if that makes sense.

I’ve put on huge amounts of weight- lost any ounce of confidence I had and will cancel plans/say no as I’m so uncomfortable in myself (I need to lose around 6/7 st) and I’m in that terrible cycle of emotional eating. I literally sat crying tonight with the realisation that I have no one at all to talk to.

how do I change this? How do I start to lose weight and like myself again? How do I make friends and start socialising? I just have no idea where or how to start 😢

Hello there.
Well done asking for help!
You mention some big issues in your post such as isolation, self esteem, trauma, a possibly unsupportive or unempathetic husband, and I wonder about why you don't feel welcome at your husband's family gathering on Xmas Eve....?
Those are not immediately solvable so I would start with making small, achievable, incremental changes in areas where you can exert some control. Health/ weight might be one - what's one thing you could start doing today or tomorrow that's easy to do , and that you're likely to do again? e.g. going for a half hour walk, or doing a short workout at home.
Making small behavioural changes like that won't make you instantly lose weight but it gives you a bit of a dopamine hit, will make you feel a sense of accomplishment, and can have a snowball effect on your motivation leading to more change. (I really recommend the book Tiny Habits if you want more information about this approach)
I would definitely recommend seeing a psychologist or counsellor - someone to help you identify goals, be a bit of a cheerleader (OP you sound as if you have a lot of strengths despite low self esteem), give you tools to work on your self esteem, and if you feel the need, explore what's brought you to this place.

Join a class or fitness session. Running groups are really supportive and everyone I know has made good friends. Volunteering for a charity you believe in or joining a community group choir etc. Art class, book group etc. It might take a few attempts to find what you're looking for but don't give up.

Pick something you think you might enjoy and get involved. Self esteem, weight loss and mental health are all affected by each other and you sound really isolated and lonely.

If you're not quite there yet then going for a walk each day or doing a fitness class online would increase your energy levels and help you take care of you

Counselling is also a good idea as it will help you feel supported and unpick what you need.

Thank you - I have ordered the book. I didn’t get asked to go with my husband Xmas eve - they went to the pub - he probably just assumed I’d say no anyway. I had a bad experience in august I was spiked and assaulted and I struggle to go out to a pub. Doesn’t mean I’m sat at home happy because I want to be alone though 😢 my husband works nights so I’m alone then too - I sent him a message opening up a bit last night, got no reply and he’s not said anything today so talking to him obviously isn’t going to help. I’ve attempted counselling before and cbt years ago - cbt said they couldn’t help until I had intensive counselling but I wasn’t ready for it then. My daughter who is autistic has weekly therapy so not sure I could afford anything else. I broke my ankle last year badly and so exercise I can do is limited looks like it will need fusing in the future as the several breaks have now caused arthritis.

I just wish I had someone I could call upon, go for a coffee etc. my colleagues are fab but are not my personal friends. If I’m not working or running round after the girls extra activities I’m sat at home and it’s getting me really down.