Should I tell her?

[Whyismypastasohot]

I am long separated from my ex husband. We have two children together. He was never anything other than the perfect father to them. But not long before we separated (we had been together for 12 years), he punched me. At the time he convinced me that it was my fault, because I was struggling with PND and I was suicidal. I don't doubt that that was hard for him, but I also don't think that's a normal or reasonable reaction. Regardless of that one instance, he was always quick to anger and throughout much of our relationship I felt scared about what he might do.

I realise that I was stupid to stay after he hit me and our relationship didn't last too long afterwards.

He has now been with a woman for approximately 2 years and he recently told me they're engaged. She gets on brilliantly with my children, although she's never had any interest in meeting me. So long as she's good to my children then that's ok.

But, should I warn her about what he's capable of? She's mid twenties and he's 40. That in itself isn't a problem, but I worry for her. It wasn't just that one punch, he sexually abused me too, and in hindsight, I think he tried to control me in many ways when we had children and I was on maternity leave and he was working. Coercive control? It was subtle but I think it went on for a long, long time.

I am in counselling and I'm trying to come to terms with the way he treated me.

But, do I have a duty to try to help his new partner? I feel my attempt may end in disaster, or may seem vindictive, and I still need to deal with him for the sake of my children. So am I just best to leave it?

I will add that I have never experienced him expressing anger to our children, it was always to me. So I don't see them as being at risk.

I was focusing on a rapist and abuser having contact with your kids.

She won't believe you.

I told an ex's gf after they had been together a while. I thought he'd done something to her so I reached out. She went straight to him. Could've been worse but didn't go well. I tried. They're not together anymore. His latest at least doesn't have children to get involved in the nonsense.

No I wouldn’t personally. I think it will only cause trouble for you and she’s unlikely to take much notice.

I would focus on your children.

you getting involved in their relationship is only going to cause aggro for you which may impact your kids. I’d stay out of it.

its sad but you don’t owe the woman anything because of your ex’s bad behaviour.

No, she wouldn’t believe you and would assume you’re making trouble for some reason.
But if she ever asks, you answer honestly.

I find this so hard OP, as I was that 20-something in a relationship with an older abusive man. His ex was just learning that she'd been abused. When I look back, I probably would have believed her, but I would have believed that things would be different with me. Obviously they weren't. But maybe if I'd had someone say to me "if he starts to behave like this you should leave", maybe I would have got out sooner.

If you do say something, maybe just make it about raising her awareness to his controlling ways, and that it's not ok, as she may be really naive. Wish you all the best.

I’m finding it hard to visualise a man being a perfect father and being capable to do what you describe to the mother of his children. It does not match.

I would tell her only because when his relantionship sour, your kids might get caught up in the abuse

Do you have any police reports or any evidence to prove in case she does not believe?

Will you be at risk when he finds out you spilled the beans?

No. He’s already told her you’re crazy.

@Whyismypastasohot

no leave well alone

No, no police reports or evidence. At the time he made me believe it was my fault and what I deserved. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that I can see it as abuse.

He isn't the perfect father. He was a wonderful father at first, but that slipped away after we split up. However, I have never seen any behaviour that puts my children at risk. In the absence of any evidence of what he did to me, I can't stop him from having contact with our children. He has parental responsibility and I have no evidence.

This is a toughie. Ideally I think you would say something, however is that likely to cause massive issues between he and you and bring a lot a chaos into your life?

if it is I think maybe you should prioritise yourself and the children and keep yourself in a safe/calm space. I imagine very few women would believe/accept this information coming from their partners ex.most likely you would be made out to be a liar and have to deal with a load of shit from them.

I understand you have little power to prevent contact because of the lack of evidence of his abuse. However it is likely to have had some impact on the children even if they didn’t witness it directly. So I suppose you need to remain vigilant with how things are in his new relationship.

How old are your children? Are they aware of his abusive behaviours towards you?

I wouldn’t
sorry but it won’t end well
she won’t listen and he will kick off

ideally it would work out and she’ll listen
but she most probably won’t

She won't believe you.
He will do all the pillow talk and you will be the crazy one who is jealous trying to break up their relationship. Or he will manipulate. I didn't punch her, I pushed her away when she came at me with a knife. I didn't report it to the police because I didn't want the children not to be without a mum.
See...who is the crazy one now ?
Are you going to protect each woman whom he gets involved with ?
If it happens to her, she can walk anytime, engaged or not engaged.
Focus on your kids and your own mental health.
I would thank her for being so nice to your kids, keep that channel open, so that if your ex is a bastard and does anything to the kids, she can tell you about it.

She might not believe you but she will hear it. It’ll go in her head. She might have experienced or noticed things herself so hearing you say this might be important.

Saying that it’s not your responsibility to tell her, or to put yourself in danger. It’s your decision. Tough one to decide

Please stay out of this OP, if you interfere it won't end well.

You don't owe her anything. She'll find out what he's like sooner rather than later.

Stick with your counselling and working on yourself. What happens to him now isn't your concern.

Thank you for all the responses.

I will leave it. Many of you are right that it would cause issues between me and my ex and that is likely to impact the children, which is the last thing I want. They are 6 and 9 now, but were very young when the marriage broke down - they aren't aware of what happened. I've no doubt that even though they were young, they could still have been affected by it.