Functioning alcoholism

[Mrsmagpie80]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. Anyone else? He drinks up to 3 bottles of wine a night then gets up as tho nothing happened. Is still able to work and be a good dad to our 3 kids. I sometimes wonder how long it will be before he dies to be honest. Surely it will make him unhealthy at some point this has been going on for at least 12 years. I’ve tried to speak to him about it on numerous occasions but he just brushes off my concerns so I’ve given up to be honest.

Wow OP, that is a lot. Is that everyday he drinks like that? If so i cant see that hes ever sober. Does he drive as he must be over the limit as his body wouldn't have time to process all of that before the next morning. Each bottle is usually around 10 units. How old is he? I cant imagine it will be long before it catches up with him 😒

i can sympathise with you as my DH is what I suspect a functioning alcoholic. He just says he just likes a drink but hes drinking daily, yesterday it was 2 pub pints, 4 cans and two double whiskeys. I cant even bring the subject up as he just takes gets angry and doesnt want to hear it. Crazy thing is, he’s actually poorly at the moment so technically he shouldnt be drinking and just getting himself better but he cant seem to do that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would say he drinks between 2-3 bottles of wine after a beer every night. Sometimes less if he’s fallen asleep on the sofa. It really is scary. He’s 46 but has been drinking heavily since his late teens. He’s never violent but I always nip off to bed when I sense he’s ready for an argument as that would definitely happen if I let it. He uses public transport for work so driving isn’t an issue but I do wonder how he functions in the office! He finds work extremely stressful but I’m sure if he wasn’t hungover he would find it easier. On the surface he never seems hungover! He acts normally but I occasionally wonder whether he’s still drunk to be honest as he rarely goes to bed before 2am. I go to bed every night wondering if he might just die to be honest. I said this to him a few years ago and we had a massive fall out but nothing changed. He spends a small fortune on wine!! I’m scared for my kids that he won’t be around and I worry if anything happens to me….
thanks for listening x

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. And you have nothing at all positive to write about your man.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Your own needs re your own codependency may be being met but what are your children learning about relationships from the two of you here?. They are learning from you both a shedload of damaging lessons. Is this really the legacy you want to be showing them?. You're not fully emotionally available to your children either because you remain constantly preoccupied about his drinking. The effects of all this on your now teens is incalculable but it will come back to haunt them in adulthood as it will continue to do for you.

Did you grow up yourself seeing a parent drink heavily?.

Why are you and he still together at all?. For the kids?. Please tell me you have not stayed with him because of them.

Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. Like so many alcoholics he remains in denial and you in turn are carrying out the usual roles associated with such spouses; codependent partner, enabler and provoker because you never forget.

He is NOT a good dad to his children nor is really any sort of husband to you if he is an alcoholic. His primary relationship is with drink, not you people and its never been with you either. He is "functioning" until he one day does not. There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge has your H gone without alcohol?. Your H has a long standing and well built up tolerance to alcohol and he is likely always on a comedown from it. He's never completely sober and I daresay his employers have noticed something even if they have not said anything directly to him. And if they did, he would not tell you anyway.

You cannot help him nor save him but you can and should certainly help your own self a lot more. Attending Al-anon meetings would be a good start for you as would seeking legal advice re the children.

FairyMarie - do not wait for it to catch up with him. Plan your exit from this non functional marriage sooner rather than later and with due care and attention. His primary relationship is with drink; its not with you and its never really been with you either.

OP I am so sorry to read this. My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He had a successful business and a family. He drank around half a litre of cider and half a bottle of whisky a night. It did catch up with him eventually and he died of liver cirrhosis at 53. He was grumpy when hungover which was most days but like your dh most likely drunk every morning as he drunk until 2 to 3 am every day. You can’t help him unless he helps himself. He has to want to stop drinking and see he has an issue. All you can do is concentrate on you and your kids.

Do you want to continue living like this? Do you do anything at together or as a family that’s doesn’t involve alcohol?

Honestly OP I look back now as a parent myself and remember my dad passed out drunk at the pantomime with us most years and that every family activity revolved around alcohol. I still to this day cannot understand how a nice family event like a pantomime turns into a reason to get really drunk or how every family holiday ended up evolving around his drinking as he was up so late he was hungover the next day or started drinking really early.

I do enjoy a glass of wine but it’s in moderation and have definitely had more this last week than normal. The difference being between my childhood and my kids is my kids will never look back and think that’s the day mum was drunk at this or too drunk to enjoy Christmas or falling about etc. Kids do notice and recently a family incident involving dh family’s kids reminded me how upsetting it can be as one child ended up in tears because her parent got so drunk and became argumentative. You go to bed to avoid arguments you shouldn’t have to do that.

My ex was a functional alcoholic until he was made redundant and went through 37k in about 6 months. He was spending about £500 a week in the local. It all came out in the divorce. Now he is he a homeless alcoholic. They fall fast with noone propping them up.