Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

new years eve pub night

21 replies

yeahwhatev · 29/12/2022 23:54

Married with 2 tween kids, relationship not great, but I always seem to be waiting for signs that all be well eventually. Dh asked what are we doing for new years, I know it's late to planning it, but honestly I just thought it would nice to have some fizz and a fun evening at home. It's been an exhausting year and we've not got family around to babysit etc (moved 3 years ago to another town). I said 'what would you like to do ideally' and 'what might you like to do if more realistically if that's not possible'. He said, ideally he'd like to get a babysitter and go to the pub (a fun one with DJs and cocktails) with me and another single friend of his in town. And if we can't do that then we would have a drink at home and then he'd go to said pub with said friend in town and I would stay at home 'like last year'. I'd honestly erased this from my memory, but now I remember that is what happened, and I was hurt last year. And now I feel hurt again. I just feel it's more evidence that I'm not loved, I'm not the person he wants to be with. He would always make a thing of how much he hated new year, the pressure of it, and I agreed, but actually he does want to 'do' something and so much so that he'd happily leave me at home on my own two years in a row. I asked if the friend would like to come over here and he said no, which is fair enough. Just feel a bit gutted. What would you do?

OP posts:
Twen · 30/12/2022 00:00

I am sorry to say but it sounds like you are being controlled. Why is it his opinion that only counts?? Why is it you that stays at home again? What would happen if you said you wanted him to stay at home with you? Or even better if you wanted to make plans with friends and he has to stay at home? If you keep allowing this it will continue. He is doing it because he can get away with it and there are no consequences.

yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:03

I don't feel he's controlling but I do feel he doesn't care and can be selfish, thoughtless, uncaring to a degree that I really wouldn't consider doing to him. It's not a perfect relationship, we talk about working on it, and I understand it's boring to be at home but I just wouldn't think it was ok for me to go out with friends and leave him at home with the kids. So I'm hurt by it.

OP posts:
yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:06

I also feel that all the chat about working on our marriage doesn't mean very much when he just thinks this is ok. I can't ever imagine my dad doing that to my mum for example, and that just makes me sad. It's like a mirror to the state of things.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 30/12/2022 00:07

Get a babysitter and go to the pub with your dh and his mate for a new years eve drink it'll be much more fun than staying in.

Twen · 30/12/2022 00:09

I said controlling because he's running the show in terms of what happens that night. His way goes type of thing rather than considering your feelings.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 30/12/2022 00:10

He’s already arranged with his single friend to go to the pub. This is where it’s leading. He goes pub with you and dingle friend or goes pub with single friend. It’s already arranged.

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2022 00:10

So you say, ‘that sounds like a plan. Only, I stayed home last year, so fair is fair, you go home to kids etc etc!!!

No wonder you are hurt.

Also, it’s not 1940. It’s 2022!! Tell him!!

KateMcCallister · 30/12/2022 00:13

Just say no, I don't want to stay at home on my own again, we can't get a sitter so it would be nice if we spent it together indoors.

Why is his friend's preference more important than yours?

yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:17

LadyGaGasPokerFace .. Yes I think you might be right it's already arranged, with me there or not.

OP posts:
yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:18

We could try to arrange a babysitter but I doubt it's possible with this short notice? Also I would be the one to arrange the babysitter and I'm not sure I can face running around sorting it out.

OP posts:
yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:19

So 2 options - say it's my turn to go out (but i haven't arranged anything!!!) or tell him no stay at home and then he's miserable. Just feel a bit shit really.

OP posts:
Twen · 30/12/2022 00:20

But it's OK for you to be miserable?!

simplefree · 30/12/2022 00:20

how about if he stays at home this year and you go out with friends (or even by yourself)

or

you get a babysitter (will be expensive) and you both go separate places

Me - I wouldn't want to ring the new year with him and would stop 'working on the marriage' if he is not on the same page

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2022 00:22

Twen · 30/12/2022 00:20

But it's OK for you to be miserable?!

This!!!!

up your standards. You deserve way better. You know it deep down x

MerryShitemas · 30/12/2022 00:22

I would tell him what I want. No second guessing, playing games. Start communicating. It might improve things!

KateMcCallister · 30/12/2022 00:22

But lovely why is staying home with you such a misery maker? I'd rather stay in with my DH than go out if it came to it because I know we'd still have a great night, even if it was just playing switch sports with the kids and then watching the new years stuff on tv together.

He doesn't like spending time with you

simplefree · 30/12/2022 00:23

yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:19

So 2 options - say it's my turn to go out (but i haven't arranged anything!!!) or tell him no stay at home and then he's miserable. Just feel a bit shit really.

I don't know where you leave but try meet-up or eventbrite to see what is going on around you for NYE

or go to the pub on your own and mingle while he stays at home

yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:24

One option is I take the kids to my parents and spend the new year with them. He can then be on his own for a few days and let him think about that.

OP posts:
KateMcCallister · 30/12/2022 00:26

Do you have any couple friends/family friends that you could invite over? Let the fucker go out with his single mate and have a nice evening anyway

And then think about what you need and what he's not giving to the relationship

yeahwhatev · 30/12/2022 00:32

Yes I have friends here but they are either away or busy and don't feel like I can try and sort out a plan the day before NYE! Maybe we're just a bit rubbish at organising stuff, I know other people plan it if they care about doing something, I just stupidly assumed that if there was no plan we'd be spending the time together. Yes I think he just would rather being with someone else and above all 'out' with me or without.

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 30/12/2022 00:32

Why are none of the options what you wanted to do which is stay in with some fizz?

I think when he asked what you were doing for New Year's, you should have said "What I'd really like to do is...", then work from there to compromise on something that works for you both, rather than immediately leaving it to him to set the options.

Why don't you feel that what you want to do is important too?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread