I'm exhausted

[namechangedtokeepthingsnice]

I have a primary aged ASD child who has severe sensory issues and a DH who cannot cope with the meltdowns, he just shouts and is really OTT with DC.

Whenever he screams at DC he has a go at me for putting him down or questioning his parenting/calling him a shit dad, but I do not say anything other than suggesting methods which work for me. This always results in an argument where he says I've said awful things but cannot provide an example when I ask for one. I am sure I don't say nasty things about his parenting because I lose my cool too, it's really bloody hard but I do not need to manage my DC's meltdowns and then my DH's attacks on me putting him down.

We both work in senior roles and are exhausted from work but all the parenting falls to me, to negate the risk of screaming and shouting, which is bloody brilliant to a kid with sensory issues! I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I have to protect DC from the anger from DH but then he gets angry as he feels DC orchestrates this so I do the parenting but I can't blame DC, I hate being screamed at too. It's a fucking mess

Now he's just saying he doesn't want to fight so I have to leave it

Argh! How frustrating

Is there some external professional support in the mix?
Someone who can guide you both to a shared plan of action?

Nope, I am trying to get help but just get signposted to parent forums. I feel like a single mum, DH can't or won't accept that dc has alternative needs

ASD tends to be hereditary. Maybe, this is why you're finding life so difficult.

I'd consider separating for your son's sake if DH can't control himself.

I had considered this but there is no other ASD in my family, but a lot in DH's

I have almost left several times over the years, it's like I'm fire fighting all the time

Why 'almost'?

It won't be easy as I can't see your husband wanting to have time with your DC but life will be calmer

You are allowing your child to grow up in an abusive home, and there is no doubt your husband's abuse is making your son's condition worse. Your marriage needs to be over.

@Nanny0gg, because I'm worried about the impact on DC and because I know how hard it is to parent our child so can understand to a degree. I also worry about DC if I wasn't there to manage the meltdowns, DH cannot manage them but would not walk away without a custody agreement

Oh this sounds familiar. I swear my ex husband has ASD and is undiagnosed.

Quit while you are ahead and prepare to leave. My children are a lot more stable and life is so much easier without him.

Better to have an emotionally safe space to come home to most of the time, than to live with this 100% of the time.

Which will probably collapse after a couple of months.

You can't go on like this.