Sexual health anxiety

[MikePosner5]

Hi,

Some background… lost virginity at 17 to guy I married 3 years later. We were married/together until turned 37. Then separated. Have two DC.
Since split have had one other experience. Fwb I met on OLD. Married sex life was mismatch, fwb showed sex could be very different. Issue was the fact that I developed this anxiety around sexual health. We ended up not using protection as discussed stuff around testing (which he did) but anyway, I did end up with chlamydia at one stage (he claims he didn’t have it but had in the past, so could’ve passed it on from a previous infection). Then at my recent smear I tested positive for hpv.

I got a coil fitted which mitigated the pregnancy risk. We were seeing each other off and on for 3 years. But he is much more experienced and also freer about seeing other people, whereas I never really did. So what I think I’m asking is, is my anxiety normal? I’ve said I can’t see him anymore because I’m just too worried about stds. But then I think to myself, you could meet someone, be monogamous and get tested and still have something like herpes or genital warts (these are the two I worry about this most, along with hiv, though I know the risk for hiv is low) as they are viruses and can lie dormant in the body for years etc

So what I guess I’m asking is, how can a single person like me have a healthy approach to sex? Am I just being overly paranoid? Am I destined to live the life of a nun?

It's not really unbased "anxiety" when you actually got 2 STDs off the guy.

Rule - don't have sex without barrier protection with someone who.is also fucking other people. Testing doesn't cut it.

Hpv is tricky to avoid as condoms don't protect well. This is the problem of fwb rather than monogamy.
If you want to reduce the risk, aim for a BF rather than fwb. It's a numbers game and a fwb from OLD is always going to be high risk.

Yes, I see what you are saying but even if I met a bloke who wanted to be monogamous - I’ve no actual clue how many people he’s been with/ what he might have. An std tests for the 5 infections, but in terms of herpes, warts…. I wouldn’t know. So I’m not sure how it’s any better.

It's better as it's less likely when not sleeping with others at the same time.
It's impossible to have no risk when having sex, but minimising risk is possible. There are symptoms that the other person can get treated for, but it can take weeks or more to show.
The hope would be that sex within a relationship is with someone more trustworthy, who would tell you if they had something and have a test done to check.

Yes, I suppose you are right. Chances of me locating a monogamous relationship are slim to none, so expect it will be celibacy for me from now on. Even if I did casual flings with condoms I think I’d still be totally paranoid about the things that can transfer from skin to skin. Can’t believe I’ve ruined sex for myself!

While you are sexually active with new people, have a rule to always use barriers and have regular testing. Nothing is foolproof or protects from everything, but you can be safeR.

When you meet someone nice you see as a longterm prospect > start off with barrier protection > in time you may decide together that you want to be exclusive > after that you may no longer want to use barriers (or wait a while longer) > you go for testing together > if you both come back clear, you stop using barriers.

There's no guarantee in life that your lover won't be unfaithful but hopefully you pick a good un.

Why do you think you could never find a monogamous partner?

I just don’t feel like I will. I’m 40, two kids, never meet new people and won’t do OLD anymore, so it’s just not likely to happen for me. Just a bit sad as I miss the physical side of a relationship. But it is what it is.

Crikey op, you've got half your life still ahead of you, there's opportunities yet.

Yeah, I keep getting told that but in my mind, I messed up.. married the wrong person and ruined my life really. Not sure I’ve got it in me to start over.

Heck, I screwed up and married the wrong guy too. A lot of us do 😀

16 years of my life, messed up my credit rating, did a number on me psychologically, self esteem through the floor - but in other news, I feel much better without him, have undone (most of) the damage and have a nice chap in my life.

Do you think you're depressed, maybe? Go see the GP and get some support if so.

You need to get some nice stuff going on in your life and value yourself more highly.

Don't settle for low effort bullshit from blokes.

Yes, I probably am depressed. Likely I’ve been for a lot of my life - faulty brain wiring from childhood/genes no doubt. I’m very glass half empty most of the time. But I’ve never medicated for it, had some counselling and read a million self help guides/psychology books. I think it’s just now I am, and now that I’m a single parent life feels lonelier and more grey than ever.

I am glad you’ve managed to right yourself and find a good guy. It’s nice to hear the happy stories are out there.

Maybe it's time to try the medication x

I think you need to be really practical about all of this. You are worried about HPV (that’s genital warts) and herpes. Well, you already have HPV, as do the vast majority of the population. You got chlamydia but that’s very common and treatable. You’re 40 and I would assume unlikely to be looking to have more children so concerns about infertility aren’t an issue. What exactly is it you are afraid of? Even if you got herpes (which is unlikely), it’s manageable with medication. That surely is not as bad as not having sex for the rest of your life.

Thanks @mindutopia for your post. You make a lot of sense… I’m really bad for overthinking things and expecting the worst.

@mindutopia you are wrong, HPV is not usually genital warts, although some forms cause genital warts. Most strains are undetectable, but some can cause warts, (NOT ALL) and some can cause cell dysplasia which can lead to cervical changes and possibly eventually cancer if not detected early enough.

It's not true that you can only get a STD from someone that is not "trustworthy", as some posts suggest.
Also it isn't true that you are safe by being serially monogamous.
Most people have herpes and HPV. That's what you need to come to terms with I think. Some HPV causes cancer in some people, and that's extremely scary. For example in the US 4000 women die from cancers caused by HPV every year. But to put it in perspective, more than 20000 women die in car accidents. If you are going to stop having sex because of HPV, you could also stay at home because cars are not safe.

At the end I think it's a matter of what is important for you in your life. One might decide never have sex so they can be HPV and HSV free when they die, but most likely their life expectancy won't change. Their quality of life will have been different though. Of course, if sex is something you don't desire/need, the risk is unnecessary and you are better off just avoiding it.

Having said all that, I have the same sexual health anxiety issue as you, and what I just wrote is how I rationalise it.
In case you don't know, the HPV vaccine is licensed for woman up to 45 so you can get it up to that age if you pay for it. ( around 160£ per dose, three doses needed). They believe it won't be as effective in adult women as the immune system doesn't respond the same, but it could offer some protection. I got it, at 45, because I'm that kind of anxious and crazy. It protects against 9 of the HPV viruses, so even if you are already positive for some still it might help to avoid genital warts.

I would use protection with casual partners, do my best to avoid very promiscuous men, and only have sex with men you really really want. Otherwise not worth the risk. But when you go for it, know that you've done your best and stop worrying:)

I'm curious to hear about how women that have many sexual partners think about this!

We ended up not using protection as discussed stuff around testing (which he did) but anyway, I did end up with chlamydia at one stage (he claims he didn’t have it but had in the past, so could’ve passed it on from a previous infection). Then at my recent smear I tested positive for hpv.

If he had clamydia in the past, he would have been treated for it with antibiotics and to the best of my knowledge it would not hang around/recur, it would be gone. That's the whole point of taking the antibiotics - to clear it from yourself and not infect others. So it was a new infection - he either lied about getting tested, or got it after testing from another partner.

If you also came up positive for HPV - while it is not impossible it is from your ex husband and was dormant and therefore did not show up on previous smears (also smears have only tested for HPV in recent years) .. ....but it seems much more likely it is new. And that's why it's been detected on your most recent smear.

He had therefore infected you with at least one, probably two STDs since you started having sex with him.

And surely he must know about clamydia being treated and cleared by antibiotics so he's either lied about getting tested and didn't know he had it, or got it since testing and saw fit to bullshit about it not being a recent/new infection.

This is not health anxiety. He's given you at least one STD, probably 2.

It was a mistake to have unprotected sex with him. Which you're obviously aware of.

Yes, condoms are not 100% against hpv +or herpes) but they're better than not using them.

It seems like you knew and accepted this was not sexually exclusive.... So it really seems risky to have not used protection.
Even if he got tested beforehand, he was not exclusive after so he could have infected you with anything he got until he got symptoms and got it treated !

Clamydia doesn't give strong symptoms in lots of people, which is probably how he got it and infected you .... And most strains of HPV give no symptoms.

He is clearly putting it about a reasonable amount to have got and passes on two STDs to you so far, and is not fwb material or at the very least is not fwb material without condoms. He very likely doesn't use condoms with other partners either; since he's been happy to not use them with you and since he's gotten clamydia off one of them.

I really think you're being extremely pessimistic that you could not establish an exclusive fwb or even relationship at 40 yrs old.

40 is relatively young.

You have your kids already and presumably dint want more, which makes you ab attractive prospect for men who don't want more kids (the majority of divorced and separated men in my experience). Your kids are getting older and more independent all the time. You've only had one life partner and one father to your kids, which makes things uncomplicated.

There is absolutely no reason you couldn't meet someone for a relationship with a nice, exclusive sex life instead of having sex with guys like this who are shagging possibly multiple others and too irresponsible to use condoms.

You don't meet people. ..well, where cod you meet people. What do you do, what are your hobbies, where do you go, where would the sort of person you'd like to meet be hanging out, what would they be doing?

Plenty of people have also met partners through old. It is a trash sifting exercise, yes, but nonetheless I know two women off the took of my head married to men they met on old.

No offense but your attitude would be need to to change.

This sits is filled with divorced and separated women, some of whom were treated appallingly by ex partners, who have moved on new partners. There is no "one shot" at marriage/a relationship. 50% of marriages end in divorce.