Coping with loneliness

[SpinningFloppa]

Im a single parent I’ve been single for 6 years. The first 5 years was fine I was busy and didn’t even contemplate dating again but within the last year I’ve thought it would be nice to meet someone and have started to feel lonely, but due to circumstances dating isn’t possible for me (I’m with my children full time I don’t have money for babysitters and don’t want to leave my children with one anyway.)

I posted yesterday on a single parents group about how to deal with the loneliness of not being able to date, I was basically told I could date, I could just bring my children on dates 🤦🏻 when I instantly shut down the many suggestions of bringing my children with me on dates I was told I was being “negative.”
I pointed out I’m not negative I have a 6m rule and don’t want my kids meeting random men, (6m would be the absolute minimum I would actually want to wait longer) so I wouldn’t be bringing my children on dates and whether that meant being alone till they grow up so be it. I wasn’t asking for dating advice I’m well aware I could instantly introduce someone to my children but I don’t want to do that, I was simply asking how to cope with the loneliness and boredom. However I was told that a 6m rule is ridiculous and that men don’t suddenly become safe after 6m (never suggested they did) and that I could meet a man in the park with his kids and it’s no different to a play date or I could have garden dates! Surely it’s just sensible to not want to include your children in your dating life? How do others that have been single for a long time cope with the loneliness and boredom? I don’t have good family so that’s not an option and I struggle making friends.

I suppose the point they were making is that you could get together with other single parents who happen to be men, and by doing this maybe increase your chance of meeting someone you like, in a realistic setting.

Like you I wouldn't feel at all comfortable taking DC on a 'date' but having a picnic in a park with a single dad and his DC is something i would consider. Can't see how it would be focused enough to help you discover if you foiund eahc other attractive - my attention would be on DC. But it might ease a bit of loneliness.

Having close friends of both sexes who are in a similar situation to you and are happy to come over and have dinner and watch TV together or do a day trip with DC and then go for pizza - that sort of thing might stop you feeling so isolated.

I think babysitters need to be the way forward. Your kids seem old enough to be left with someone trustworthy. Is there a way you could increase your income? Or trade favours with friends (obviously you can't directly go to theirs to babysit, but could maybe help them in other ways to get babysitting in return).

I’m not willing to do that, that’s fine as a suggestion but when I shut those suggestions down I was called negative. I don’t want an instant family situation I want to be able to date someone before getting children involved.

No that’s not possible unfortunately.

If you're not willing to consider babysitters, or a way to increase your income to pay for them, then it looks like you'll remain in your situation until they are old enough to be left home alone. Why

And I’m ok with that, I’m asking how people fill the void and deal with loneliness.

They're not in your situation (most likely going by the replies) so there's no void as such. They tend to have family to help, ex partners or are willing to use babysitters.

There’s a single parent festival near Dundee in the summer, you could go and camp and have the kids play and be around other people in the same boat? I have no family left sadly, and am with my children at all times too…the teens are actually great company often but it’s not the same as adult company/support/understanding and my younger ones can be tiring; I’m definitely lonely so you have my understanding. Could you contact the local groups for single parents? Also, love can happen in the strangest of places - between neighbours, at a community garden etc so please don’t give up completely.

I'm not sure op has had much success with single parent groups, as per her earlier responses.

I think this "idea of other people in the same boat" just breeds misery, other people who can't have more adult interaction and are now all lumped together to commiserate in their situation, when really what they'd like is to feel less lonely (ie have more contact with other adults), have some downtime (away from their children) and maybe date. How's one festival in a probably random part of the country going to solve an ongoing issue?

OP, you've decided you don't want to date and after a busy 5 years you're aware that loneliness has now crept in to the previously fairly contented picture of your life.

You sound committed to your choice to devote this period of your life to your children. Sometimes being aware that you've made a conscious choice can really help get you through difficult times. Yes, you know there are other options (babysitting circles, picnics etc) yet those options don't feel right for you, which is absolutely fine, I'm sure you have good reasons.

My suggestion might sound trite, but get to know yourself deeply and learn to be your own best friend. Acknowledge you have made a well-considered choice, for very good reasons, then spend this time doing happy fun things with your children (there's lots of kid-friendly things you could take part in which would help alleviate current feelings of loneliness) and explore things that interest you (further study and learning/ cooking/ grow vegetables (just need a window box) / walking/ reading/ sport/ learn a musical instrument from youtube / crafts / knitting / decorate your home) while also dreaming of what you really want your future to look like, then start planning. There's not much space for feeling lonely when your own best friend (you) fills your head with exciting ideas to explore.

The years pass very quickly and your children won't always be children. When you are ready you'll be able to look back and be proud of how you spent this time and you'll have a good idea of the best way forward for you. That might mean going out there and making new friends via interest groups, or finding a partner, or developing those interests that were sparked by this spell of loneliness. Studying might open up all sorts of unknown opportunities. You might have embraced exercise and be open to running marathons, or wild swimming sparked by trips to the local pool with your children tomorrow, or join a ukulele group because you are now someone who can play the ukulele, or the saxophone or piano. Who knows.

How do you want your future to look?

Its so hard dating when you have kids and no help. Do you have a support network of friends or other school mums? Could you go on a date during the day for coffee when the kids are at school?

Do they go to their father at times? Perhaps you could use that time?

No they don’t

Thanks all yes dating is impossible without a good support network! One child is home educated so I’m never ever alone. So unless I’m bringing them alone on dates (which is a no go) it’s just not possible but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get lonely/ isolating at times.

If you want to date and you won’t leave your kids with a babysitter or take them with you then you can’t date or go out so the likelihood of being lonely is high. Most people deal with it by arranging childcare and going out.

you’ll need to get an at home hobby, chat online or read. Not many other options