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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To tell her or not

27 replies

confessionstoday · 29/12/2022 07:25

I split with my ex 5 years ago, during that time I have had an injunction against him, he has made false allegations about me to police, council and children services. We also had a rather drawn out court battle which he lost and had to pay me loads of money.
He also bought the house next door to me and his new girlfriend has moved in. She is the one that has actually paid me off following court.

I have found his profile on a hook up site with verifications of him meeting other people for sex.

I want to tell her, I think she should know, she has written some nasty things about me on sm and has encouraged some of this behaviour. I don't really blame her - he is very manipulative and lies a lot.

But she has bailed him out and supports him whilst his lies have pushed me to the brink of suicide and had a massive impact on me and my ds.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 29/12/2022 07:29

I would get on with my life.
Gf will find out soon enough.
Leave well alone.

watchfulwishes · 29/12/2022 07:34

You need to stop engaging with these people - you are feeding the drama. Ask yourself why you want to be involved in these people's lives?

I would focus on moving house. Your ex has bought a house next door? That is deeply strange behaviour and I would be more concerned about that than his sex life.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 29/12/2022 07:39

Honestly leave it alone. I’ve been there, I sent my exs now ex-girlfriend a video recording of him threatening to kill me, trying to show her what he’s really like. She didn’t listen, she said I was the crazy ex but she found out soon enough afterwards and broke it off.

focus on you and DS and try to move, it must be horrible living next door?

LolaMoon · 29/12/2022 07:42

No. If he has manipulated her which is classic for abusers then he will spin it as you being the "psycho" ex who is obsessed with him and she will not believe you. Stay well out of this and leave it alone. You cannot police every person he dates even if your intentions are good. The best response to this kind of thing is to block and completely ignore it. Sadly, she will find out soon enough when his true colours show through

EVHead · 29/12/2022 07:47

They say that the best revenge is living well … stop looking him up online, give him as little headspace as you can, get on with your life and give serious consideration to moving house. It must be torture living next door!

LondonSouth28 · 29/12/2022 07:48

Heck no. You'll stir up problems for you. He moved in next to you, she paid off his debts to you and she knows you had a bad split - if she hasn't got what a total arse he is by now she never will. Id be quietly amused after the grief she has given you...

Flashingtealights · 29/12/2022 08:03

No, get on with your life and leave them to it. She’ll find out soon enough what’s he’s like. If you tell her you’ll just be inviting unwanted drama back into your life. She’s unlikely to listen to you anyway

Dollythesheepagain · 29/12/2022 08:05

How have you managed to find his profile!

Move on, Don’t even let yourself think about him.

Bedazzled22 · 29/12/2022 08:05

no way leave it and focus on your own life.

HideyHoe · 29/12/2022 08:09

I agree what is more concerning is him buying a house next door.
I wouldn't let her know in this instance because the risk to you is too high. I don't know if you share children with him but if you don't then there really isn't any reason to communicate with them about anything.

Aussiegirl123456 · 29/12/2022 08:11

Could you perhaps set up a throwaway social media account and send her the profile on there? Never to respond to, just to send the profile.

I know if I was her, I’d want to know…

HideyHoe · 29/12/2022 08:14

Actually, @Aussiegirl123456 's suggestion is good... if you can do it without it getting back to you personally then yes... I was just concerned that with him being so close to home and his history of manipulation that it could backfire with violence against you, op.

Original poster

confessionstoday · 29/12/2022 08:25

So I never went out of my way to look for his profile it appeared on my feed.

We don't share a ds

I have contemplated this for long time, whether I do it all, whether I tell her anonymously.

I'm not interested in his life but he has caused me so much grief part of me wants revenge.

OP posts:

Lndnmummy · 29/12/2022 08:31

Forget about her. You need to move house.

Original poster

confessionstoday · 29/12/2022 08:37

For those of you saying move house. It's not that simple. My business runs from my home. My children are settled and so am I.

I don't see them on a daily basis so it doesn't effect me from that point of view.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/12/2022 09:30

Personally I think he's an expert in nastiness and you would be, at best, an amateur. I wouldn't start fighting him on his own ground.

Don't get

category12 · 29/12/2022 09:33

Post went funny, sorry. Anyway to conclude- never wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in shit, but thebpig likes it.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/12/2022 09:40

I speak from an experience very very similar...dont poke the hornets nest, you will regret the backlash. But the truth will come out in good time. The longer it takes the worse the outcome - thats if its revenge you want. You will then be squeaky clean. But yes, go live your best life whilst the truth works it way out

Bookworm20 · 29/12/2022 09:47

Well if you could let her know anonymously, he can't pin it on you. One benefit possibly could be that she splits with him, he has to repay her the money she used to pay you off and he has to sell the house he bought to do that.

Original poster

confessionstoday · 29/12/2022 10:47

Bookworm20 · 29/12/2022 09:47

This is exactly what would have to happen so there is an ulterior motive to it. But I've got the money I'm owed so it's hit a big deal

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 29/12/2022 11:03

What is the injunction? Is he not in breach of it by buying the house next door?

Calmdown14 · 29/12/2022 11:08

The risk you run is that he turns his attention back to you.

Even if you do it anonymously, you will be number one suspect.

If he's currently not causing you grief, stay well alone. And just feel smug every time you see them.

It will come out in time if you found out this easily. Just wait.

ButterflyOil · 29/12/2022 11:08

I’d imagine even if you did it anonymously they’d think it was you anyway. Given they live next door and have been abusive in the past i’d probably not poke the hornets nest. He could well make some excuse and then they accuse you of something crazy like creating the profile or something. She needs to discover what he’s like in her own time, as sad as that sounds. That she used her own money to pay you and then agreed to move in next door would indicate to me she is firmly under his spell. Anything you do would probably backfire in the way of trying to show her what he’s like.

Id also be worried about them being so close and the potential for them interfering with you. So in this case i’d leave it.

Sleepyquest · 29/12/2022 18:29

If you don't share any children then I would have absolutely zero to do with them. I would move house too regardless of my business. Even if it meant moving around the corner.

Ladyofthelake53 · 29/12/2022 18:42

Id leave them to get on with it. She will find out soon enough, you dont owe her any favours by the sound of it

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