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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I haven't heard much from my friend since she had her baby 10 months ago. Would it be too much if I sent the baby a card in the post?

8 replies

jamrush92 · 29/12/2022 00:06

We're both 30 and female. I had a lovely friend who had her baby 10 months ago. We have been friends for around 5 years. We used to see each other regularly and we really enjoyed each other’s company. I’ve not heard from her much at all since having her baby (understandably), except one text from her to state that she was feeling less low and that motherhood was getting better. She has a history of depression and has previously told me about bad thoughts that she has had. She’s always been off the social media grid entirely and is the type of person to rarely respond to text messages.

When she was pregnant, I asked for her address specifically to send her something but she was quite coy as she didn’t want me to send her anything. She is very well off so doesn't really need much. We’re both from an Asian culture, and this is quite a common thing to do - to avoid accepting gifts easily. We don’t easily share addresses or birthdays. We don't easily accept gifts. She always guesses my birthday and congratulates me.

After the baby was born, she sent me a video and photos to introduce her.

I’ve visited her a few times and I have her address (found it in my notebook recently). I’d like to send her something for the baby’s birthday. I don’t want to overstep the mark however as maybe after becoming a mother, she has re-evaluated her friendships or perhaps she just wants to lay low. Would it be odd to send her something, for example just a birthday card? I thought it might mean a little more than a text.

Really grateful for all advice.

OP posts:
harktheherold · 29/12/2022 00:13

Just a thought but have you considered just giving her a call?

MMmomDD · 29/12/2022 01:52

Send the card. She will like it.
With her history of depression and mentioning things ‘getting better’ - I am assuming she found it all quite tough. And her chances of having post natal depression are quite high.
So - i’d not think her not being in touch much has anything to do with her rethinking your friendship. It’s most likely more about her being in a bad place.
Hopefully with her baby getting a bit older she is feeling better. And your card may make it easier for her to reconnect with you just as well.

On her side - she may be thinking you don’t want to be in contact after she ‘disappeared’.

So - send the card, and do follow up with a call. Life is too short to lose friends to depression.

jamrush92 · 29/12/2022 07:38

Thanks both. I have thought of calling but felt that it might be too intrusive. She has ignored my last text, just saying hello but not asking for anything. I sent this two months ago. Prior to this, she would take 1-2 months to reply.
I know that your world shrinks a little when you have a baby and I don't want to be a bother!

OP posts:
RightsHoarder · 29/12/2022 07:53

Definitely reach out. Send the card, call her too. It's hard enough keeping in touch after a baby, worse with depression.

RememberToSmile1980 · 29/12/2022 07:54

Just send her a card and gift if you wish to let her know you're thinking of her. Do you have any mutual friends?

MRex · 29/12/2022 07:59

A birthday card, a text and a phone call are all fine. It's been a while, so I'd text to say "Hope you had a great Christmas, I would like to pop over and take you out for lunch with the baby, which of these dates can you make?" Give a range of days of the week.

I doubt she guesses your birthday, she probably put it in a calendar.

category12 · 29/12/2022 10:39

She might have postnatal depression. I'd definitely send a card for the baby's birthday and a note to her, asking how she's doing and inviting her for coffee or something.

Billslills · 29/12/2022 10:45

I would definitely send a card and perhaps drop her another message. Don’t give up on her.

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