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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex getting married within a year

23 replies

PenguinFan30 · 28/12/2022 22:11

Just hoping for some words of wisdom.
was with my ex for ten years, we have DD who is now 2. We split in May, relationship gradually broke down after having a child together, he just didn’t grow up. He told me I was boring and obsessed with our child, we never did anything fun anymore. Rather than organising anything fun with me he skipped off after the break up straight into the bed of a woman from work who I had had my suspicions about (would casually tell him things like she needed to go to Ann Summers on her lunch break).
Ive just discovered online that they’re engaged and getting married in May.
my heads in a spin, it’s not even his weekend with DD and she hasn’t even met DD as a step mum, only when she would come to our house as his mate from work (his weekends with her are at his parents house as relocated back towards our families after the split) so he’s kind of had two quite separate lives up until this point.
what do I make of all of this? Of course I will talk to him but I don’t feel like I’m in the right frame of mind just yet.
I’m worried for DD, she’s had so much change and is still so confused and emotional after handover.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/12/2022 22:50

Hmmm, I guess the overall conclusion is that your ex is an absolute bellend and there’s not much you can do about that sadly. As you say, your priority is for DD - clearly he doesn’t have the same priorities if he’s not told you or her about the impending wedding.

Do you think he’d take part in a grown up discussion about prioritising his DD? How she is told about the wedding, how the new partner will be involved in parenting, how it might develop over time aligned to how comfortable DD is etc? Take a bit of time and write some bullet points for a conversation with him when you’re ready?

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 23:29

Just be grateful that you are rid of him and save your sympathy for the woman who will also probably join his exes club too at some point!!!!

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 10:02

Thank you for your message!
I would like to have a sensible chat but he is just a massive liar. Thing that also upsets me is that he doesn’t pay what he should for in maintenance as he says he can’t afford it. He is giving me some money and He is paying the mortgage on the family home which is up for sale. He told me he was living in it which I then found out was a lie and I tried to ask him for the full money owed but he said no as he was still paying the mortgage despite him having someone to share heating and food costs with etc. breaks my heart he will pay for an engagement ring and wedding but we’re kind of left to it. He hasn’t paid back money for DD from investments with money for her savings either and said he’ll pay it all when the house sells. I cant imagine owing my daughter money whilst spending on holidays, designer clothes and apparently a wedding.
He doesn’t seem to have any empathy.
is it unreasonable for DD not to attend the wedding? Who even books their wedding without making sure their child will be there? It’s not his weekend and I feel like she will be confused in a busy space where she hardly knows anyone and will have to behave a certain way then will have to stay over night somewhere new without me and then come home and just break down.
just fed up, this break up just keeps on giving.

OP posts:

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 10:03

Haha thank you for this.

OP posts:

lbnblbnb · 29/12/2022 10:13

You can't stop your DD from going to the wedding.

He sounds like an absolute twat, but you have to focus on supporting your DD as much as possible, she will work out how awful he is as she grows up.

Have you had advice about the finances? It sounds like you are being played by him, surely get a solicitor/CMS involved?

Good luck - he is a poor excuse for a man.

category12 · 29/12/2022 10:13

Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt on the money side of things and get what you are owed. Get a CMS claim going and chase up the house sale legally.

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 10:22

Yeah I get that. I’m just fed up of her having to go through these big events and changes all because of him. Every time we get over one thing there’s something else.
thank you, I’ve contacted a couple of solicitors but not heard back yet with it being xmas holidays. Just sad, it didn’t need to be like this at all.
thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 29/12/2022 11:36

I wouldn't assume he will want DD at the wedding (based on his complaint to you, sounds like he wants his fun unencumbered, and probably her presence will make him feel guilty/ remind him what a bellend he is).

If it's not his weekend, then I don't think you are obliged to let her go even if he does ask. If she were older, I think it would be important so that she doesn't feel excluded from her dads life. But I think at 2, she can just stay blissfully unaware of the event....... who knows, it might have broken up by the time she is thinking seriously about it.

Are you sure dd hasn't met the woman during his visits/ weekends? DD sounds too young to tell you clearly, so sounds possible to me. If they are getting married, no reason why the woman wouldn't be at his parents with them?

I'm sorry you are needing to deal with such a twat....

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 13:48

Aww thank you so much for your advice, I had the same thought process about the wedding but it’s hard to know what’s for the best.
It has crossed my mind that they’ve met, in the past when I still lived down the road from him DD was saying the woman’s name, I had been back at parents house for a wedding so the opportunity was very much there and DDs clothes had been washed at the woman’s house (the smell pushed towards the edge of a breakdown as it was a horrible reminder of when he was sleeping with her but staying at the family home) I confronted him and he said DD was saying “outside” 100% not the case but what’s the point in arguing with a liar. Point is I wouldn’t know the truth anyway so I don’t ask and I don’t push DD as I’d never want her to feel uncomfortable. I kind of figured the level of respect that he shows me will be returned in the future.
Urghhh I don’t know, I just feel so disappointed but thank you so much for getting back to me, it’s so good to know people have the same values as me and I’m not going crazy.

OP posts:

StarCourt · 29/12/2022 14:32

@lbnblbnb surely she can stop DD goi g to the wedding. its not being held on the weekend DD would be with him and he hasn't even notified OP that there will be a wedding yet or requested to change his weekend to enable that.
Op I think I might be booking a weekend away for me and DD in May if that was me.
My DD's dad and I split when she was 3 and trust me it doesnt get easier. Dont pander to him or walk on eggshells. Put DD first every time because I guarantee he wont.
My DD is now 14 and has refused to see her dad for the last 18 months because of the way hes behaved over the years.

PeekAtYou · 29/12/2022 14:37

I wouldn't assume that dd was invited to the wedding. Maybe it was deliberately booked for that date so he could get drunk and not look after her ? Does your dd know people on his side of the family? if so I assume that they would look out for her that day.

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 14:54

Thanks for the replies!! It’s always good to hear from someone else that has to deal with a difficult ex.
I guess I could be getting worked up over nothing, it’s possible she wouldn’t be invited it’s just hard to imagine that. She’s close to his immediate family but she’s never really been linked into his social life as it was always about him going out and doing what he wanted, sounds sad but I’m happy for my social life to be soft plays and walks for the time being :) so I can only think of a handful of people that she would know.
I just did it expect all of this so soon, I knew he must love her to take such a risk but I didn’t expect it would be such a rollercoaster and I thought DD would have more time to adjust.
ultimately it’s good that I’ve found out as it’s made me realise that I’ve been a fool and I’m going to push for money that is owed to me and every time he does something like this I feel less guilt about out split and more at peace with my new life. I feel stupid for still putting a bit of faith in someone that has betrayed me so many times.
Also how do you get over the guilt for DD that you chose the wrong person to have a child with and her life will now forever be back and forth?

OP posts:

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 16:05

Honestly, just try not to think about this until you’ve spoken to a solicitor who will explain everything in detail to you as to how you untangle this mess. Emotionally it’s always harder that you do now just need to start thinking of this person is not just someone who isn’t your friend it’s somebody who is an actual enemy who now has another actual enemy in their corner, both of which have everything except your best interests at heart.

You must detach, urgently

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 17:48

This is true. Thank you.

OP posts:

Aquasulis · 29/12/2022 18:42

cms always first and foremost

back away from the rest for the moment

some men go from woman to woman to woman with overlaps

YoBeaches · 29/12/2022 19:21

Deff OP, use your emotions to drive your motivation to detach, become financially independent from him and get a routine in place for DD.

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 19:25

Thank you everyone! Had my reservations about posting as I feel like an idiot but glad I did now, some good advice!

OP posts:

Duckingella · 29/12/2022 19:37

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 23:29

Just be grateful that you are rid of him and save your sympathy for the woman who will also probably join his exes club too at some point!!!!

Exactly this!

Thank god he's another woman's issue.

Original poster

PenguinFan30 · 29/12/2022 19:40

Duckingella · 29/12/2022 19:37

Exactly this!

Thank god he's another woman's issue.

Show quote history

Haha
thankfully! I am at the point in the break up where I think this frequently. Im not sure how anyone could wish to marry a man with morals like that. Pair of noobs.

OP posts:

Hadtochangeforthisone · 29/12/2022 20:18

As for the money side of things. Did you not get a financial settlement when you divorced - that set out how much he should be paying for mortgage/maintenance ?

MouseMama · 13/05/2023 07:24

You sound like a lovely mum which is all your DD needs. It’s not your fault your exP is the way he is. I do wonder if he’ll want to continue having all his weekends with DD now he’s got a new partner and they might start a family. He doesn’t sound very committed as he’s not prioritising paying maintenance monies.

ChristmasFluff · 13/05/2023 16:10

This might help. Applies to bellends as well as narcissists: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissists-new-supply-do-they-have-something-you-dont/

Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 16:45

So, I think as he’s treating his marriage/wedding as trivial then you’d be entitled to do the same. It isn’t based on deep connection or even really knowing each other at all, is it, or particularly intimate motives. People can get married for very different reasons and maybe this is a good point to remember that. None of this has anything to do with reasons you would get married. It’s more like a silly party in Vegas and I think if you remove the meaning from it it’ll seem less important.

He sounds like an absolute top end wanker though. Congratulations on giving him the slip.

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