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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking ex from childs phone

14 replies

Theonlywayisup1 · 28/12/2022 19:47

Looking for advice whether I’ve done the right thing. My ex and I separated in April this year, since then he has acted appallingly. Kept telling me he wants to sort things out, then never communicated like an adult, told DS he was coming home, but mum wouldn’t let him (when I never saw him to even discuss our relationship). He emptied our house without warning, cancelled our wedding without telling me. My poor DS has seen it all as he’s acted so badly. He ignores any message from me and states he is too busy to reply. He has only seen DS a handful of times, never taken him to his house, refuses to commit to regular days and will only message him rather than call. Over Christmas he didn’t get him a present, didn’t see him or take him to a fun day that he attended on Boxing Day, despite knowing he would of loved it. Today I told him he either needed to give regular days (work permitting) or I felt the inconsistency was detrimental to DS. He stated that he only wanted to see him as and when he can, and he would contact DS direct (he’s 12 yrs old) and that was as much as he could offer. He would never have him over night. So I’ve told him that is not good enough, and blocked him from DS phone. I’ve told him if he ever wants to step up and be a proper father, then I will always allow that, but until then we are both moving on with our lives without any involvement from him. I have not told DS I have blocked him from his phone. I feel awful, but tell me it was the right/wrong move?

OP posts:
Theonlywayisup1 · 28/12/2022 21:05

Anyone?

OP posts:
bettycat81 · 28/12/2022 21:16

Wrong move. You've played into your ex's hands because, now, you will be the unreasonable one.

Your Son is old enough to realise who he will be able to rely on. He'll soon be wanting to go out with friends at the weekend rather than with a father who rarely turns up for him.

Stressfordays · 28/12/2022 21:16

What does your 12 year old want? I don't think at that age inconsistency will be detrimental, he will likely very quickly just realise for himself and choose not to have contact. For you to make that decision, may backfire on you significantly.

Mom2K · 28/12/2022 21:17

I think at the age of 12, you should probably have a chat with your DS and see how he feels about it/what he wants? If he wants to block his dad and not talk to him anymore I think he is old enough to decide that for himself...but if he still wants to be in contact (even though I 100% agree with you) I feel that is probably still your DS's choice to make.

I know it's hard...but I don't think you should block your ex on your DS's phone without his knowledge. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. I think it's important to have frank discussions with your son and hopefully he can make a good decision for himself but at that age you can't decide for him.

XmasElf10 · 28/12/2022 21:20

I appreciate your frustration with your ex and that he is behaving very badly to you and his son

BUT

You shouldn’t block him on your sons phone without telling him. He (your son) will likely be pretty pissed with you when he inevitably finds out and he will feel lied to and hurt. A better approach would be to talk to your son, discuss what he wants and be open about the level of consistency his dad is likely to achieve. Also put boundaries in place that your son can understand like “I’m happy for you to see your dad when he offers if you want to as long as we don’t already have plans.”

You don’t owe your ex anything but you owe your son the truth!

Theonlywayisup1 · 28/12/2022 21:52

Thanks for your comments. The reason I asked is because I was unsure it was the correct move. I have spoken with DS and explained that it is likely his dad will not see him much, and that I don’t want him to be disappointed or hurt when he doesn’t make the effort. I will tell DS what I’ve done and the reason why I’ve done it, and say to him that he can unblock if he feels he wants to. I just feel so sad for my child, how a man can be such a shit human is beyond me

OP posts:
Hearmeout · 28/12/2022 22:05

Absolutely wrong move.

You should unblock him immediately and not mention it.

They are parent & son and have the right to be in contact. If dad doesn't take up that right, that's on him.

Lonelylonelylonely · 28/12/2022 22:56

Sorry but wrong move. Don't say anything negative about your ex, don't even mention your ex to your son except in practical terms (e.g. when has dad said he's picking you up today etc) and certainly don't block a means of direct contact between them. It could backfire massively and you could be accused of parental alienation. Give your ex as much contact as he wants and if that's none, or limited, that's on him. Your son will work it out for himself eventually and if he doesn't your role is to provide consistency for your son where it is lacking from his father.

happiertimes123 · 28/12/2022 23:03

God I wish my mum did this when I was 12 being harassed by my nutter of a father on Facebook rather than having her 'encourage the relationship' and never ever say anything negative about him

Hearmeout · 28/12/2022 23:09

happiertimes123 · 28/12/2022 23:03

God I wish my mum did this when I was 12 being harassed by my nutter of a father on Facebook rather than having her 'encourage the relationship' and never ever say anything negative about him

Why did you not ask your mum to do it at the time, or do it yourself, if you were able?

happiertimes123 · 29/12/2022 08:35

@Hearmeout because he was an alcoholic and I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt. At 12 I could not comprehend that his issues were not my problem, and felt like I had to stay in touch to 'save' him despite that not actually working.

A child will almost always love their parent no matter how fucked the parent is and when you have not yet learnt how to say no, it is hard to walk away from someone who is meant to love you unconditionally, but is treating you like shit.

HairyKitty · 29/12/2022 08:37

I don’t think it’s reasonable for a flaky unreliable dad to be direct messaging 12 year old for co tact. A 11 year old is very much a child and shouldn’t be having the upset and burden of this.
So if you make it crystal clear to ex that any contact can and will be facilitated by you if he contacts you, then I think that’s good enough in this situation.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/12/2022 08:58

Id also unblock
but
make sure your 12 year old know you have his back and monitor him closely

if it’s the only way they can communicate feels like cutting it off totally could back fire

I’m sorry though
he’s a poor father

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:45

happiertimes123 · 29/12/2022 08:35

@Hearmeout because he was an alcoholic and I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt. At 12 I could not comprehend that his issues were not my problem, and felt like I had to stay in touch to 'save' him despite that not actually working.

A child will almost always love their parent no matter how fucked the parent is and when you have not yet learnt how to say no, it is hard to walk away from someone who is meant to love you unconditionally, but is treating you like shit.

That sounds heavy, sorry you went through that.

I don't think it's comparable to this situation but I understand why you'd find a link.

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