Boundaries between my mother and my children

[Almosteloping]

My mum is a complicated and often difficult person. I'm increasingly wondering whether she has BPD or a covert narcissistic personality disorder. She certainly seems to display a lot of the traits.

My relationship with her is slowly breaking apart. This is a source of intense pain and sadness for me but I can't continue to tolerate her unprovoked, controlling and manipulative emotional outbursts anymore.

I have two young children. My mum is particularly attached to my daughter, who's just turned four. Mum is frequently starting to use her love for my daughter as a way of guilt-tripping me during her outbursts, and has used almost litigious language to describe the situation. For example, she's talked of me "withdrawing access" during a period of time when mum and I were not on speaking terms.

I feel deeply uncomfortable with mum continuing to enjoy a close relationship with my children while our own is in such a mess. More importantly, multiple red flags go up when she talks about my children when she's having an episode - she is very possessive of them, and clearly struggles with the idea that other relatives might also be close with them. I think she sincerely believes that, as the maternal grandmother, she is at the top of a hierarchy.

What is reasonable here? I've been taking the line that if she can't respect my boundaries, I dont want her in my family space. A few of those close to me have seemed surprised at how hardline I'm being, suggesting that I'm being overly harsh.

Has anyone been in a simular situation? I really need some help working out for myself what best protects my children and myself.

She does not have automatic access to your kids and the onus is very much on her to prove there has been a relationship that would also benefit them. This is clearly not the case here.

Keep your personality disordered and otherwise disordered of thinking mother well away from your kids and you. She I note wants to use your daughter as the golden child whilst ignoring the other grandchild. Your mother was not a good parent to you (an understatement ) when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since.

Do read Toxic parents by Susan Forward and Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.
I would also suggest you look at Dr Ramani on YouTube and read the website called out of the fog.

Your mum is trying to scare you.
Keep away OP and even more importantly keep your kids away.
Tell her to go ahead and talk to a solicitor as nothing will come of that. It's an empty ( but very nasty) threat.

Stand strong for yourself and your kids.

Ignore, ignore, ignore and seriously consider the possibility of moving away.

Like you I have had many sleepless nights at the hands of my narc "mother". I have not seen her for about a year and a half now and am sleeping much better!

You cannot change this woman, she was damaged a long time ago and has not put any effort in to improving herself, instead subjecting you to an appalling upbringing. Like you, I was constantly questioning myself as to was I being reasonable. With therapy and hindsight I can see that wasn't the right question. She constantly caused uproar, everything was about her, she didn't care about how her behaviour affected me and my children and she was an extremely critical grandmother, giving me no support at all. But because of being brought up in such a dysfunctional home I didn't realise I had the right to walk away. It was only when she pushed me over the edge, by telling me if I was a proper mother she would have a better relationship with my now adult children, that I had finally had enough. Don't let your mother continue this abuse, you have the right to live a peaceful life.

Amongst many books, videos, podcasts which I have read/watched/listened to, there are podcasts by psychotherapists Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna which I have found enlightening and validating. Helen Villiers specialises in the trauma caused to adult children of narcissistic parents. You may find this one interesting, there are loads and I get something out of every one of them.
podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/scales-of-injustice/id1613030538?i=1000570771922

Ignore the threats, I'd suggest you don't discuss her with anyone who is bringing this "information" to you. Why are they telling you? What do they hope to gain? Perhaps they want you to get back in your box and stop rocking the boat so they don't have to listen to your mother complaining? People like this are "flying monkeys", sometimes they are malignant themselves, sometimes they "mean well". But the end result is putting pressure and stress on you that you don't need. Either don't speak with these people at all or refuse to discuss your disordered mother with them.

Also find the Stately Homes thread here, you will find many people who understand your situation, having gone through similar themselves. Sad that there are so many, but it makes for great support.

We don't have any 'grandparents rights' in the UK like they do in some USA states - the only situations where grandparents have been granted court ordered access are things like where the grandparents have been doing significant amounts of care, or have even had custody previously. Unless your mother can prove she was a main carer in your children's lives and losing contact would be detrimental to their wellbeing, she has no chance and would be wasting her money.
I'd see a solicitor for the free half hour somewhere to reassure you, and also make sure any schools and nurseries know that only you or your DH can pick up, never your mother. I'd also get a ring camera or similar - that's what we did when my mother was acting a bit like this when DD was a baby, just in case she ever showed up at the house or anything like that. Never needed it really but it's reassuring to know you'd have evidence!

My mum has never mentioned court or access to DD in that sense though and if she did it would be the sign to finally go no contact! Best of luck

Grandparents have no legal right to access. Solicitors will write in letters whatever their clients pay them to. So even if it gets that far, don't panic. You will be able to demonstrate that any legal proceedings she is stupid enough to bring form part of a wider systemic emotional abuse against you.

Now although the outcome will NOT be that a court grants access to your kids, the emotional toll of going through that should not be underestimated.

At the moment this is family rumour? I think you need some stock phrases in response which show you will not engage with this abusive shit show any longer. The family are her "flying monkeys" designed to reel you back in. Read Toxic Parents book. Move away. Go low or no contact. This is the best way to a peaceful life.