Ended it, but feel terrible

[Feelterrible78]

In a nutshell, I feel awful.

Sorry if this all comes out in a mess..I ended it with DP today, I've had doubts for a while but wasn't sure what to do.
We've been together for ages (years rather than months). No DC together, but he has a DS 8 and I have DD 6.
He is lovely, kind, understanding and a really great cook. But there are real issues. He has a history of financial irresponsibility which he is only addressing in the last few months. Some things are very slightly (but not out and out) dubious which don't correlate with him as the kind and generous person that I know and loved. It's more of a slightly morally dubious but not properly dodgy at all, if that doesn't sound ridiculously vague..

Sometimes, if I'm honest I find him too nice, too much like a little enthusiastic puppy, which grates (god, I sound awful). His DS has a few issues and and can quite hard work, though our DC for the most part get on pretty well (which makes me feel guilty ripping them apart). Also, my DD's dad decided not to be involved in her life when she was born (which was awful at the time) and DP has, in a sense, been her only father figure. He's very good with her.

I've also had some grief from DP's ex partner (his DS's mum), long story, but it's been very stressful

It all feels too much and I've shut down from it and decided I can't do it anymore. But I'm not sure if that's me just being a wimp and running away. I have quite strong ASD and ADD traits (doctor acknowledged these given my history, but couldn't offer support pathway as I'm too 'high functioning' he said) so I know I do struggle and shut down..

thank you x

Just to say, we don't live together, which helps

Ah OP

It's such a difficult thing to do, and so easy to put off, that you must be able to trust your reasons for having come to this decision. Congratulations on getting the worst bit out of the way. If it was easy to split up with someone we'd all do it more often. Instead, you wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling crap right now. It will get easier in time. Well done and happy new year to you!

Thank you so much Alcemeg, you're right..it was always going to be hard. But ultimately it does feel like the right thing (albeit horrible), I think anyway!! Thanks - Happy New Year to you too.

Look - in the end of the day - you don’t have to be in a relationship, if you don’t want to be.
However - i think it is good that you are wondering if the breakup is something you actually want, or if something inside of you is driving you to ‘self sabotage’ a relationship - (and, hence, if it’ll happen again in the future).
The second part of the question is impossible to answer without looking at your relationship history and doing some work to better understand yourself.

ADD aside - have you had any counselling?

As to the guy - nothing screams a problem partner in him. Bit ‘financially irresponsible’ - but addressing and you don’t have combined finances. Too nice at times. Somewhat difficult Ex. Describes a regular guy.
But -as I said - if you don’t feel happy with him - you don’t have to stay. As long as you know and understand what you actually need to feel like to be happy, what is missing, etc.
It is possible for some people to be generally unhappy and depressed and leave relationships thinking they are the reason for how one feels. Only to find out that it’s the depression, and it’s source is internal.

MM thank you. I feel like you can see inside my head which is a bit scary, but I guess it means that it's a common way to think and act. By that I mean engaging in self-sabotage which I know I do.

I've had lots and lots of counselling in the past which has helped..but I'm still incapable for feeling long term love for a partner. I can feel it (or what I think are strong emotions and feelings) for someone initially, but it never lasts. I only truly and deeply love my DD being honest. I did love my Dad before he died and my grandparents, but that's it.

I think that's why I'm doubting myself now, because I know I do run from relationships so it's hard to trust my decision..

I don’t know how common it is. I just know I have certainly done it before myself and don’t have the most ‘typical’ of relationships.

In your case - though - and precisely because you have a tendency to run away from relationships - I would NOT trust your instinct.
I think the issue is that you don’t know how to define ‘love’ for a partner. And you mistakenly compare it to your love for your family members and when it comes short - and it would for most people - you decide that it’s time to move on.
In the initial stages of any relationship there is a siege of hormones that many mistake for ‘love’. That surge inevitably ends for all and relationships move to a more mature phase. And this is where you run - I am guessing.

Thing is - long term relationships don’t need to be based on just one type of ‘love’ - by that I mean romantic love.
They can be based on whatever it is that works for you.

Some of the strongest couples I know have relationships that morphed into friendly partnership, with a healthy dose of physical chemistry.
And those beaded on ‘romance’ over everything else have crushed and burned.

In some ways I am not dissimilar to you. But at some point I decided to look at relationships as balancing act of (+) and (-) of what they add to my life. If negatives outweigh positives for an extended period - then yes - that needs to end. But if on balance - the positive impact on my and my kids life is there - then relationship goes on. So - for me - this is the way I can be sure I look at the whole picture, not just measure myself against an idea of what ‘love’ is or should be.

Wanted to add. It goes without saying that you don’t HAVE to be in a relationship.
Its not something you need to force yourself into to fulfil any sort of societal expectations.

But, if you enjoy companionship on any level - there is a way to have a relationship that would give you want you want without forcing you to endure parts you don’t enjoy. You just need to meet the right person.
It is, of course, a little more complicated with your daughter. Her needs are different from yours. And if you do go through with the breakup and date again - you will need to keep her out of your search for someone better suited. Which isn’t going to be easy, given that she is full time with you.

but couldn't offer support pathway as I'm too 'high functioning' he said

Your GP fobbed you off, “too high functioning” was deployed to shut you down. I have absolutely no expertise aside from watching a few TED Talks but suggest you Google ASD support charities.

As for your relationship, not feeling it, is a good enough reason to end it.

As for your relationship, not feeling it, is a good enough reason to end it.
What @AgentJohnson said 😊

Self-doubt can be really crippling and because splitting up is painful, it makes us all question what we've done, ASD/ADD or not.

From what you said, OP:
I've had doubts for a while
and (not that you need to; doubts are enough) you can pinpoint all kinds of reasons, like his financial irresponsibility, and this:
Some things are very slightly (but not out and out) dubious which don't correlate with him as the kind and generous person that I know and loved. ... Sometimes, if I'm honest I find him too nice, too much like a little enthusiastic puppy, which grates.

You decided you'd had enough. There is no need to find solid explanations, although the above sound like pretty good reasons to me, and indicate that you would be compromising on quite a lot (and overriding your instincts) if you went back to this relationship.

Does your ASD/ADD make it more difficult for you to trust your gut? I hope not.