How to Improve relationship with pushy in-laws

[Tetherender]

Hi all!

I’m searching for some guidance and reassurance that I’m not just loosing my marbles. Im so sorry for how long this is! 7 months is a lot to fit in!

Me and the boyfriend have recently had a baby he’s fast approaching 7 months. I had an easy labour no hick ups. I also had a very nice relationship with my In-laws prior to him being born, we had a lot of discussions and most were how my MIL & FIL didn’t want us having a baby and that they didn’t want to be grandparents (tough SH** in my opinion), but they were perfectly ok with one of their daughters having a baby.

After he was born and we got got home after 24 hrs, they came same day to visit we’d said can you two just come I’m tired and haven’t slept well hospitals are noisy and I was kept away all night by a lady who was praying. They said sure no problem all fine; but no surprise rather than just MIL&FIL, they came with my boyfriends 4 other siblings and all piled in my living room. Before I had chance to greet anyone my MIL snatched the baby from me and proceeded to hand him around the room (I ignored it put it too excitement). Then up until he reached 6 weeks old they would turn up unannounced same again MIL would snatch and pass him about without asking. The first time we visited their home similar situation, SNATCHED from me and she turned her back on me, she refused to hand him to me when he was hungry or when he became distressed and wanted me or his dad (he’s EBF and still is to date with weaning he’s never taken a bottle always refused one). She was really possessive and we addressed it, my partner spoke to them and she apologised all fine!

Moving along 3 weeks after we then began receiving messages calling me selfish, nasty, unkind saying I wasn’t offering for them have him over night despite use saying we didn’t want it or need it (the baby is so easy and laid back he’s horizontal; we’ve been incredibly lucky!). We explained this to the In-laws and it was met with an unwelcome barrage of abuse, insults, actual crying from the MIL, the FIL tearing the life out of me and just name calling, calling the baby their baby saying they are entitled to equal alone time as us and they dont need our permission to take their grandson for as long as they want him, they then began to attack my parents saying they get all the fun of spending time alone with him (they saw him equally as much but never ask to have him alone and never have had him alone apart from 10 minutes whilst I was upstairs in the toilet doing no 2!?). We managed to de-escalate it all, we asked them politely not to visit for a week as they’d caused me and my boyfriend some horrific stress and anxiety, told them how they acted was unfair, unkind and downright nasty. Then it went quiet, dew days later and my MIL admitted to being extremely broody, said she is jealous of the new mum having a baby and she was finding it hard to be a Grandparent and not a mum and just wanted to feel like a new mum herself again, I half felt sorry for her must be confusing but then sat and thought thats actually a little bit weird?? A lot of extra things have gone on since having to stop my MIL’s outbursts, asking her to stop calling herself mummy to the baby, stop asking for sleepovers again, trying to reassure her constantly.

FAST FORWARD to almost 7 months and were back too it again!! Xmas day (most uncomfortable visit TO DATE). We got there the MIL & FIL and his aunts/uncles were excited all fine which its a lovely feeling but its very overwhelming as you have an extra person to think about, but things got a bit weird when the MIL began to call herself Mummy again? I corrected her and she said ‘Grandmummy then, I dont like Grandma I feel old, mummy makes me feel young’. I just looked and said ‘no, its grandma nothing else. Please dont refer to yourself as mummy, thats me and it makes me uncomfortable so please stop weve already spoken about this’… “ok fine GRANDMA”.
Next thing I know shes handing him about, he got fed up started crying and was staring at me arms out blatantly wanting me, I stood up and went for him, the MIL cut me off and she said it again ‘come to Grandmummy’…I just looked at her again said her Name ‘Please stop saying that, you know how I feel about it…’ and my FIL then agreed and said ‘name thats a bit odd, your his granny’. Shes so desperate to feel needed and depended on by him, she gets so upset and hurt when she cant comfort him and shes very offended when he’s handed back to me. It makes for very uncomfortable and awkward visits.

The way she is is starting to make me feel really uncomfortable about being around her, I cant stand spending anymore than 1hr with her as she makes everything about herself and what she wants, or she’ll do silly little things that she shouldn’t and makes a rod for her own back when shes done it. I may as well just be invisible when we’re with them as she treats me like I’m not there when were around them! We both want them to be good Grandparents but we want her to see, being a Mum and Grandma are two VERY different and opposite things. My mums said to me before the love between parent and child is very different to that of a Grandparent and comes much later more when they are old enough to move about alone and can choose the person to interact with. My dad works in social care and had to speak to them and say look you cant just TAKE your grandchild, if you did that without permission you can be done for abduction and we can put in barriers to stop you seeing him without a contact centre or someone present and they seemed to just laugh at it like it was a lie :/.

How can we help improve this situation?! Or help them just understand how they are is affecting their relationship with us and in turn it will with their grandson?! We love them! But we don’t want to keep arguing when they act out ;’(

You can fix her, she’s crazy. You have to back very far away and limit contact. I’m so sorry, but she isn’t going to change.

What do your own parents say?

Unfortunately, there's no way to improve this. The whole snatching thing is totally relatable as I remember my MIL snatching my daughter out of my arms and running outside with her in the rain to show her friends who were smoking outside. I remember being so annoyed because she was only a few months old and had no coat or blanket around her. I don't understand why they think it's acceptable to snatch!

I tried reducing my time around the inlaws for similar reasons but then they made out I was taking their son and the baby away from them, and splitting up the family. So in all honesty Im so sorry but I don't think there's anything you can do to improve the situation, only hope your husband can see her behaviour is unacceptable and the reason why you prefer not to be around her.

My parents lol.. they think shes one tool short of the full set in the politest way possible.

My mum tried to reason with her once and explained how inappropriate it was how they got. The way she was always trying to beat me to stuff (I’ll never forget that first time I went swimming and my partner invited her and Id said please wait for me I want to take him in the pool. She snatched that baby off him, never seen someone shift so fast and she may as well have dived head first in the deep end… it was just like really? Do you really need to do everything before us? I once wanted to try him with a bottle and she took that from me to do it herself) its just the stupid things.

My mums said she gets and understand first time GP excitement, but there is a fine line between excitement and taking control. And as GP you have no right to do that yo your adult children and their children!

He’s always said, in order for her to have a good relationship with him she needs to get past our problems first as he doesn’t come without me and without us being comfortable firstly it’ll never make it possible for them to be around each other for longer than the 1 hour I tolerate at the moment in time. It made him think when Id said your not comfortable at the thought of calling yours or my grandma mummy so its no different for him.. don't teach your son bad traits!

You can't fix batshit.

Relationships with pushy inlaws usually goes one way; down further and fast. There is no improving this at all and his mother in particular wants to be a parent to your child again.

What does your man here think of his parents and their behaviours towards you?. He is key here. Is he afraid of his parents do you think or is he still wanting and or needing their approval (not that they would ever give him this anyway)?.

You both need to stay away from his parents; they are both not emotionally safe enough to be at all around. Such people can and will further emotionally harm you and your child. You cannot fix batshit and or their toxic behaviours; its their way or no way as far as they are concerned. I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

It is not your fault they are like this and neither you or your man here have made them this way. They were not good parents to him when he was growing up and they have not fundamentally changed in all those years since.

I think I’d have one very blunt conversation with her: That’s my child, I grew him in my womb. If you want a relationship with him you will respect me and respect my boundaries. This is not negotiable. There will not be second chances.

Then you stick to your guns and cut her out at the first sign of disrespect.

She’s crazy so it’s not going to take long.

He’s too afraid too upset his mother as she always turns on the tears when you say no.

It’s absolutely awful! If one thing I’ve learned in such a short space of time being a parent, I have to be firm in my boundaries and completely unapologetic for any broken hearts who disagree along the way!

My partners dads not too bad but if you upset him it gets verbal usually, my mum can be verbal BUT she always admits her wrong doings and she will apologise but she’d never overstep me as the parent. Its awful as we would love to be comfortable spending more than an hour with them, but the more strange little things she says or does the further away I pushes me. Iv tried explaining its not how she feels when say no its how I feel that nobody bothers to think about as nobody seems to care and I end up voiceless as nobody listens!

Your man needs therapy re his mother like yesterday frankly because his own inertia as well as fear, obligation and guilt continues to hurt him as well as you. Will he consider this or at least read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward?

Your relationship with him going forward could well end because of his being unable and or equally unwilling to stand up for himself and his own family unit. You will get fed up of being the fall guy, the buffer between his mother and him and or bad person for wanting to rock the boat.

Such people like you describe do not apologise or accept any responsibility for their actions. You also have qualities that they lack - empathy and insight.

Ha! I like that the three do’s!

I once said to my partner way before we had the baby.. if before you ask a question and potentially upset me or someone else, Ask yourself it.

IF the answer could be yes, ask.
IF you know it will be no, DONT ASK! we kinda went from them ‘Asking’ and us politely declining to them DEMANDING and screaming at when we declined!

My parents are a fantastic example of how GP’s should be, they don’t push, the don't nag, they don't demand. None of my family do, they simply say we know your doing an amazing job, but you know were all here for you if you need help or an hours break! And I LOVE THAT about my family.
his family have been picking from day one trying to find failures and reasons to see me fail so I’ll say you know what your right, I’m terrible take him and they absolutely hate the fact we’re coping so well and we manage beautifully. They’ve never once complimented us both, they’ve just looked for problems and reasons for failing so they can take charge.

Oh to add, neither have ever supported me breastfeeding they’ve constantly found reasons to say how bad it is and how much it will stop me doing stuff. Her 5 kids were all EBF, if her daughters did it thought apparently she’d support them and she loved every minute! 🤣

this is where some of the arguments began!

When do you see them, and where. Who is there, the both of you?

Just be very very busy, all the time. If she calls round unannounced, shut the door on her (you can say you are just about to go out or something). Limit visits to once a month or less - I am quite sure you can find stuff to occupy you. Family days out, baby classes, visiting distant friends. When you finish maternity leave, FGS find a nursery or childminder and don’t let them “help” with childcare.

The batshit phase will probably pass once your baby is past the “cute” stage. Hang in there.

I agree its unfixable. Your in laws are just batshit/nasty and tbh you don't want to expose your DC to that. Life can be tough enough without toxic people to contend with. You tried your best but they don't see that there's a problem in the first place much less meet you half way, they won't change. MIL calling herself Mummy is full on weird.

Childcare is sorted luckily! Iv taken a year off and im working from home thank god so I wont need the help.

She was already trying to prearrange that for me and I said no thank you. Only people I really trust are my Grandparents, my parents, my sister and my boyfriend! I don't trust them one bit with him on their own.

Its like being my babies advocate I’ve spoken up so much and defended him and myself that they just don’t even entertain or listen, its like ‘yea yea whatever were gunna do it regardless’.

Its really quite sad as I think if they just stepped back, stopped being so pushy and thinking of their own feelings constantly, they could actually be wonderful grandparents. But its just the pure fact they’ve done and caused so much damage some of its really hard to forget!

You need to give your DH an ultimatum I'm afraid. I don't resort to ultimatums quickly but this one needs it, sadly.

Either he's on board and 100% on yours & your son's side or he's 100% on his DM's side. Unfortunately his mother has removed the ability for there to be a bit of both.

No contact is the ONLY option here. Even if it's only for a year or so.

I read some good advice on here once for
Dealing with people who continuously turn up at your home uninvited and that was answer the door with a jacket on and say you're on your way out. Difficult with a small child but definitely worth a try until they get the message....

Today I had a good excuse not to stay long at all. We’d been to see my partners grandparents (babies GGP) to exchange xmas gifts as they were ill over xmas.
Spent a few hours with them as we don’t see them loads, shes gave me a private space to feed the baby as I don’t like feeding in front of the the grandad anyone else doesn’t bother me. Sooo fed him, then just as the baby started kicking up a fuss we decided to leave as he was getting hungry wanting his tea. We literally got out of the door and the MIL & FIL turned up as she wanted to see him as well! She started moaning about us leaving said we were mean 🤣. My partner on the way home looked at me and just said ‘ok, i get it now. My mums become obsessive and she’s making our son her main focus in life, i know it can’t be that way. Ill talk to her later no doubt she’ll ring me’ and she did! He’s spoken to her and told she needs to sort things between me and her firstly as I come with her Grandson whether she likes it or not!