Is my Husband being negative or am I overreacting?

[Mermaid27]

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas ☺️ I know this may sound trivial to some but I literally feel so worn down by my husbands constant negative statements I can’t figure out if it’s manipulative or just his way of phrasing things but he’s really irritated me the last few days wi try a few of the things he’s said. A few nights ago I was exhausted in bed literally falling asleep, he went to tuck the kids in then he came back in and stated ‘oh I won’t have a kiss then’ he’s done the same today when we’re watching a film I asked him to pass me a blanket and he states ‘oh so you don’t want to sit next to me then’.

am I overreacting? I just feel constantly attacked/put down but in a non-direct way? Or am I just being overly sensitive? Does anyone else’s husband phrase things this way? I don’t know anyone else who does it

sounds like he's feeling unwanted and rather than discussing it properly with you is making snipey remarks.

Have you asked him directly and voiced your assumptions to him?

Sounds more like ge wants some attention and isn't going about it in the right way.

I will note though that when I lived with an abusive shit, he could put you down/make you feel like crap by saying something that no one else in the room knew was a dig at you. But you did. It was so manipulative that when you felt your self esteem or joy being attacked, you weren't even sure if you were being silly or over reacting.

Little comments, little digs, subtle tone changes. All cleverly designed to suck the life out of you/knock you down.

I don't know that you're in an abusive relationship of course. But a big warning sign of it is your gut screaming at you that you are under attack when they are around and saying things other people might view as harmless. But you know, you just know they aren't.

@catchthedog yes he’s said he feels like he gets no affection from me, I do give him affection and have given him examples, but that’s not good enough for him. My problem is when he acts like this I don’t want to give him affection as I feel attacked by him and his negative comments so we just end up in a constant catch 22

@Pinkbonbon ive debated for years if this is an abusive relationship but I don’t think he’s intentionally trying to make me feel shit, I just think we have different values/outlooks on life he’s quite sarcastic/jovial whereas I’m more sensitive and optimistic so I think we just aren’t always aligned on situations. We could have an argument and he’s over it in 2 hours whereas I overthink it for a day or so, then he gets annoyed that I’m dragging it out

OP I can completely relate. Your situation sounds exactly like mine - even how an argument effects both you and him.

I made a similar post about my husband's behaviour and most said he was very rude and passive aggressive. It's so tiring because I'm always dealing with little jabs and sarcastic remarks from him. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

He will often mutter negative things about me under his breathe intentionally loud enough so I can hear, while he's not actually talking to me or near me as well. The other day we got in an argument and I made a point to him during it. Then I went upstairs and shut the door behind me. I got to the top of the stairs and he came out to go to the toilet and as he was opening the door I heard him start to mutter something negative about me saying how grumpy I was. I knew he did this intentionally loud enough so I could hear him even though I couldn't see him, but also quiet enough that if I called him out on it he would say 'I wasn't talking to you'

He'll often make comments like your husband does about me not wanting to sit next to him, or sings a little tune about how everyone is always sat next to each other on their phones. It's downright tiring now and he's such a dick I don't like him any more for his passive aggressive behaviour. I've lost all sympathy for him now after the way he talks to me. So I can completely relate to you. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Does your husband do other things like that as well?

@AmazonPrim yes in the past he has been like this, muttering under his breath, angry, mood swings, digging out others and making comments about them, overbearing with our kids and harsh on them. He has been to counselling and he is so much better now, but I still feel his underlying tone in life is sarcasm and passive aggression. Don’t get me wrong no one is perfect and I don’t think he’s trying to intentionally upset me, but my outlook towards life/situations is so different, I try to be positive, kind, happy, but I just feel like his approach to situations is the opposite to mine and I call him on it then he says he feels like nothing he ever dies is good enough/everything’s his fault, yet I’m the one offended by him in the first place?

sometimes I literally feel like I’m attacking his personality but we just keep on doing this same dance and have been for the last 9 months. We e tried marriage counselling and it did make a difference so I think we’ll book back in but it just feels like we can’t communicate without it turning into a row.

It sounds really annoyingly passive aggressive. A breezy "can i have a kiss?" or "come and cozy up with me?" would likely get a better result?

@Grimsknee exactly this!!! Why not just ask for a kiss like a normal person. I hate the way he starts a sentence with ‘are you not going to’ am I being dim or is this passive aggression?? I feel mad some days for being overly sensitive

Have you tried telling him that his approach sets your teeth on edge, and he'd have better luck if he framed it more positively?

You could then see if him knowing that makes any difference.

If he starts asking nicely, it means he does want that kiss/hug.
If he carries on being critical, it means he just wants to attack you.

Kind of a litmus test.

@Mermaid27 have you asked him to change the way he is making the points as he is more likely to achieve success? It’s not the same but I have taught my dcs not to say things like ‘I’m thirsty’ if they are wanting a drink but to ask me to get them a drink directly. I wonder if he knew he probably would get a kiss/ to sit next to you if he simply asked for it?

@Alcemeg said it much more coherently and clearly than I did! Wot @Alcemeg said.

Could some of this be ingrained patterns of speech? The phrasing sounds really consistent so I wonder if it’s quite habitual and to his ears it does actually sound less negative?

Well he sounds hard bloody work to me. It's very passive aggressive. Tiny micro aggressions that criticise and control. Yanbu.

@Alcemeg yes I’ve told him I feel attacked by him commenting like this and it upsets me but 1. It never changes as 2. I don’t think he thinks it’s a big deal but it is to me as I constantly have my guard up against him

@ButterflyOil yes I think it’s just how his brain works but similarly it feels like I’m being attacked so we literally end up arguing / in a constant state of being on edge with each other

Ouf 🤨

You could try reminding him in the moment, like making a gentle joke out of it ("Are you not going to ask me nicely?"), as a last resort.

If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid this:
I just feel constantly attacked/put down
...is because you are.

It is how his brain works. He assumes priority and superiority and expects you to do the same. He self soothes by putting you down. It makes him feel bigger and feeds into his focus-on-me narrative.

Anyway, emotional abuse is often insidious and this is how.