Judged by my family

[HurtByThem]

Bit of background: 5 years ago I bought my first house, which meant moving to a part of the country away from my Mum and closer to my Dad. My Mum and Step-dad have never had any money and their accomodation was linked to his job but they were really stuck in a bit of a rutt. I asked them if they wanted to move in with me, which they did, and then the pandemic hit and he got cancer and had a mental breakdown. He's now doing better but the chances of them ever being able to afford to move out is very low. Some small chance of an inheritence in future years for them, so maybe then.

I'd rather live alone but it's OK and mostly we all rub along well. We live in a village where previously I lived in a city with a big job that stressed me out no end and I now live a fairly simple life, bu choice. I WFH with occasional office visits, I have a good friend I talk to regularly and ocasionally visit. I walk the dog twice a day and know a few people in the village to chat with if we bump into each other. I have a few hobbies, though they are solitary, such as an allotment.

But I live spending time on my own, so that all suits me.

I just spent Christmas with my Dad, step-mum, Grandma (who lives with them) brother and fiance. For months now it seems every few times I see any of them someone tries to Have A Talk about how I am wasting my life and should ask my Mum and Step-Dad to move out because it's not fair on me she lives here etc.

This has come to a bit of a head over Xmas and it turns out they've all been talking behind my back about how I never do anything, go anywhere and am wasting my life.

It has hurt me so much to know they have been talking like this and now, when I think back on chats I've had with each of them over the last year or so, they are all coloured badly by the sense that they all featured some sort of judgement about how small my life is.

It's really upset me and my urge is to cut them off and really scale back contact with them. But they are my family and I love them. But I cannot imagine ever being able to relax around them again and just chat, without feeling judged.

How do I handle this?

Cutting off contact is such a massive overreaction

Yeah, I think that too so when I talk about it being my urge it's a bad urge, if you see what I mean? The hurt makes me feel like doing that, but I know that's not proportionate.

But I also am struggling to see how I can ever really chat about myself, rather than superficial things, again without worrying if this is feeding into their viewpoint that my life is small and I am not doing anything worthwhile with it.

Which is why I thought people here might be able to help me unpick it all.

You shouldn't have your mum living with you, but your dad is allowed his mum? Just checking I have that bit right

Yes. I think they'd see that as fine because they are older.

Plus, he and my step-mum are real social butterflies, always off doing something, several holidays a year, that kind of thing. So my life must seem very dull to them and they feel sorry for me, because to them all that stuff is so important.

Maybe it's because they can't put themselves in your shoes as they know they aren't as nice as you?

Did you tell them how much they have hurt you?

I would have been very hurt by that too, so I can understand the instinct to protect yourself from further hurt by withdrawing from them. In the long run that would probably cause more pain though.

Did you tell them how much they have hurt you?

I think I am going to have to. I hate talking about my feelings and when I tell them that, I don't like either option of how they might react. If they understand and are sad that they hurt me then I will feel like I made them sad. If they don't understand I feel like it just adds to the judgement.

I feel like I have tried to explain to each of them (during their past attempts to make me see sense) that I have made my own choices, am OK with the choices I have made. I have also pointed out, gently, that I am the only person among them all that has not had to seek help and medication for mental health struggles. A large part of that is luck, I know and have acknowledged. Many mental health struggles are illnesses and you get lucky or you don't. But I also pointed out that it seems like unwarranted concern that I don't know what kind of life makes me happy.

But maybe at heart I am just scared and need to pull my big girl pants on and tell them how hurtful it is to constantly have those conversations and now to find out they continue to talk about my life behind my back like this.

Thanks.

I don't know whether I see them as not nice. They wouldn't have made the choice I made and would have prioritised their needs over offering a place to a family member like that (my Grandma lives with them but also came with £ that allowed them to buy a bigger house than they might have otherwise been able to do so it's a bit different and certainly they wouldn't have offered to live with her if they were younger).

But that doesn't make them bad peple, I don't think. I don't judge them for not feeling like they could have offered that. For lots of people it would have had a negative impact on their own welfare to the point where it is not feasible.

But I also don't want to be judged because I did offer it. For me, there is no version of the world in which I make my mother homeless or ask her to live somewhere so less comfortable than the home I can offer her, just so I can enjoy living alone again. But that is my choice and I wouldn't judge anyone for not making the same one.

It does seem that your family’s concern has crossed a line into prescribing what they’d like or not like for your life. Currently they’re making huge assumptions and you’ll need to have a chat with them about how it’s ‘different strokes for different folks’. Remind them that if they’re truly concerned for your happiness and well-being then they’ll accept that you’re most happy living a simpler life with your relatives.

@HurtByThem we are all different, what some one enjoys another dislikes.

Its like some people will never be content no matter how much money they have yet others can be content with much less.

You sound like you have a lovely life that suits you. Yes you would like to have some more alone time at home but you are kind to your Mum and Step Dad.

Push back saying why don’t you want to accept I am happy with my life?

Thanks @Delandra and @Princessglittery - there is some nice wording in your posts that I think I am going to steal when I talk to them.

Sod's law there are 2 family weddings this year.

My brother is getting married and so is my cousin.

That's 2/3 of the children from my generation of the family, me being the 3rd. So it's possible that that is triggering a comparison in which my life looks stagnant in some way.

It also means at least two events where we'll all have to be together so this will need tackling before then and in a way that doesn't leave any residual bad feeling or awkwardness for the first wedding.