Anyone else decided they definitely want to divorce now Xmas is over?

[Doneanddusted222]

Just that really. Discovered DH had several affairs during our 8 year marriage at the beginning of this year. Found out all in one go. I think I’ve been in shock for most of 2022, but we decided to give it a go. He cut off all contact with the recent OW and swore he wanted to make a go of it. We have young DC, just didn’t have the strength to leave and really hoped we could work through it. Was probably delusional with shock and I just couldn’t face the rejection and starting again.

But Xmas has just highlighted to me that this will never work. Without the distractions of work and school and routine, DH and I just have nothing to say to each other. I still feel so much resentment. He is miserable. We never have sex. Suspected often he has been pining after recent (last) OW as has buried himself in work, seems to think the fact he stayed and is ‘working at it’ is enough. We’ve been away over Christmas and it’s just been miserable. I think maybe we’d connect a bit more but it’s been the opposite.

anyone else found that this period just confirms that things are done? Is it that expectations are higher over Xmas and you’re bound to feel disappointed? I wasn’t expecting the holidays to magically fix anything but I also wasn’t expecting it to just feel so forced and empty. I think we’ve been hanging on for DC but right now I just can’t see any prospect of this working, but need to stay strong once the ‘back to school’ routine starts and not get carried along with things. Part of me is still terrified.

That’s so sad and sounds so hard.

It does feel terrifying when you are on the cusp of leaving a long term relationship, when you have children, but the situation you are in sounds awful and being single will be better than this. You will feel a lot of related. If things remain civil your child will cope much better than you expect - this was the case for me - even though things were NOT amicable for the first 18 months I did manage to protect my child from most of it, and two years down the line things have really settled.

@Rockingchai thank you - it’s good to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel! I’m glad things have settled for you. It sounds like you made the right choice.

I think finally making the decision is hard but part of me also just feels relieved. In all honesty I suspect DH will be too. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling he was only staying out of obligation and his heart lies elsewhere. I can’t carry on with it.

It’s definitely a time of year that highlights things you try to ignore when busy with kids/ work/ life.
I'm having the talk with DP later this week. That’s feeling harder than actually deciding to tell him I want to separate.
I’m assuming that you’re way more conflicted given you’d agreed to give it another shot. Do it. I wish I’d had the balls to do it years ago.
Waste no more time. Ducks in a row etc.

@FFSgetagripoldlady oh gosh good luck. Haven’t even had the talk yet. We’re still on holiday. Would rather wait until we’re home.

I just need to know it’s set in my mind so he doesn’t try to change my mind, although I suspect he won’t. And even that in itself is hard so trying to come to terms with that beforehand.

stay strong xx

Put yourself and your children first.

I've been back on OLD and the amount of married men on there is alarming, they don't even try to hide it. They're selfish, arrogant and show little respect for their partners let alone their marriages. I'm not sure if your husband was on the apps, but regardless you need to protect yourself from further embarrassment and degradation.

I know this is the year I need to leave but the logistics of it all terrify me. I know dh won't want to separate but he doesn't make me happy anymore, he will refuse to leave and generally make my life hell which is why I have stayed as long as I have

@MermaidSwimming that sounds terrible. I’m simultaneously trying to plan but also not overthink as I don’t want to talk myself out of it.

I would say if you have any relief or positive feeling associated with leaving to try and hold on to it. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’ve also spent most of the year trying not to think about him with OW as that was the only way I could stay. But now it feels like i can’t help it and it’s intolerable.

Thanks @Doneanddusted222 ! Kids away to granny’s on Fri so am hoping to have a sit down talk after that. I’ve started writing notes.

good luck and you stay strong too!

@MermaidSwimming it’s not an easy thing to decide to even consider never mind do. If you’re living a nightmare then you need to get your head in the zone and do it. So hard. Good luck!